Trying to detach with love

[uni]

As part of looking after my mental health recently, I've had to back off in talking to a certain family member. It was becoming crazymaking. I have concerns for that individual's mental health but there's little I can do.

I've tried to be a compassionate listener, but they need more ears than just mine. I understand how difficult some of us -- well, me at least -- with mental/emotional issues can become at times. So I try not to lay all my "stuff" on the same individual repeatedly. Well, that was happening, only I was on the receiving end, and it got too heavy.

This is a loss in a way, and I feel sad about it. I care about this person; they are family. Although things between us haven't always been easy, and we don't have a lot in common, we did have some pretty good times.

For quite a while I felt really angry, almost ready to boot the person out of my life, but I still want some sort of relationship. They've already alienated two others in the family with their words and behaviour, which seems to be getting more extreme with time. There's no point in suggesting professional help; they think counseling and medicine are more harmful than helpful,

So I've resolved to reduce my exposure to them, meaning fewer phone calls, if any, and fewer one-on-one visits, if any, for the foreseeable future. Visiting in a group may be okay, but that has been problematic in the past too, So, I'm basically trying to detach with love, before I really get resentful and say a bunch of stuff I can't take back. Wish me luck!

[AJ]

I have a relative that can be energy draining sometimes. It's particularly difficult when it's family. I like 'detach with love'. My first instinct is to want to swoop in and save the day, so to speak. I am learning that this is neither a realistic expectation, nor is it necessarily a healthy choice.

I have a lot on my plate right now and am extremely tired in every sense of the word. I have no desire to find myself out of gas, stranded on the highway on a cold winter night. I am being stingy with who and where I spend my time and energy. Ask me after I have my hip surgery, you'll find me dancing down the street with my new parts!

[uni]

Thanks for the reply AJ. I can well understand conserving your energy when you're so tired. I wish you all the best with your hip surgery. I know several people who have had it; the difference it can make is amazing!

[bucky310]

I've had to do this sort of thing several times in my life. Though thankfully not with family members but just friends.

I decided in university at one point to stop hanging out with a group of friends that I had. I noticed that I was the one putting in the effort. I had to text someone to get the details of what everyone was doing rather than be texted. I also had a girlfriend that was in that group that we had broken up. It seemed like the group chose to hang out with her more often than me. Despite it being a large group. Okay no problem, I can move on and I did.

Then another time I had a friend who wanted to meet up while I was studying at university. I informed them that I could not because of my big list of things to do (I think it was close to final exam time). Then I got a big rant in return asking why I never wanted to hang out. This person also listed several instances in the past from years back which included examples of me helping my family do things like maintenance on my parents deck. You know, the type of thing you cannot just say "I'll get to it later" for. So for this person I examined my situation and it felt to me like I was being complained to as if I owed the person something. The actual feeling was as if they were my girlfriend (this person was male). I took that as a final straw as this person had disappointed me on more than one occasion previously (by betraying my trust in sensitive topics). So I decided to cut them out of my life.

It's a potentially difficult thing to do. But we must do what we must to take care of ourselves. I'm all for chances for people to redeem themselves, but if they continually disappoint, then time to reduce the disappointment. That can be by reducing their time with you as you've done or by eliminating contact altogether. I think what you've done uni sounds quite healthy

Anyway, that's my story. Hope you're all having a good day.

[AJ]

Hi bucky310. It's nice to hear from you. I remember the lists of things to do in university. My classmates always got after me to 'get out more'. I rarely did, except an occasional sport event. Sometimes people don't like it when our priorities are not in line with theirs.

[uni]

It's great to hear from Bucky310; thanks so much for the response, and thank you AJ for your input. I've read everything and take comfort in what both of you have shared. It's always nice to know that others have had to deal with similar situations.

I especially like "I'm all for chances for people to redeem themselves, but if they continually disappoint,then time to reduce the disappointment" which is a helpful way of looking at it. Kind of puts things in perspective. And "Sometimes people don't like it when our priorities are not in line with theirs" - absolutely true, and something for me to remember.

My memory has been jogged here and I recall a saying I heard once and had completely forgotten about: "Don't go looking for oranges under an apple tree." Hmm.

[uni]

An update.

I've had two "exposures" to my difficult relative in the last month. Both times involved a medium length walk and a short car ride (my car). I had a decent window of tolerance before going into the activity, which was helpful, even necessary. Also the walks were my own idea, to test the waters.

The reason I tried was because I've seen a few deeply held grudges in my family. I mean bad, and long lasting. The longer it goes on with no contact, the deeper it can get. I'd rather have a "light" connection than none at all at this point. Hopefully that's possible. If not, well, I'll have to re-think it.

The testing told me this person is capable of avoiding hot button topics and over-the-top personal interactions if she wants to, at least some of the time. It also told me it's very easy for her to stray off into those areas almost as a habit. Which I'm grateful only happened once, because that a test of my own behaviour. I chose not to respond, just continued walking along with her. She caught on pretty quickly and changed the subject. I wouldn't like to be doing that all the time, but it worked that time.

I was only minorly irritated for a few seconds, but the fact that I felt irritated almost immediately at a particular topic tells me I'm still pretty reactive to that particular thing with that particular person. That could subside with time, or not, but for now it's good to know.

I'm actually proud of myself for doing the the two walks. It was a bit of a risk and it turned out okay.

There's a family event coming up in a couple of weeks and this person will be there. I count no chickens. But I'm glad I "broke the ice" before the upcoming event, as I'm not as concerned about it now. We'll see what happens. Having less to do with her has definitely meant less stress for me, I know that much

P.S. -- Although I've gone into quite a bit of detail in this post, it's because I haven't been thinking much about the situation lately. This post has allowed me to take a look at things again, which is helpful. But I'm not rolling them over and over in my head the way I was there for a while. So that's a relief

[sandy11]

Thanks for sharing uni! I really admire you for that. It takes a lot to extend out to someone, especially difficult relatives.

I'm glad to hear that the walks helped break the ice between you both and I'm sure for whatever comes your way during the family event, you'll be well prepared

[uni]

Thank you sandy11