Experiencing a depressive episode

[uni]

I've tried all the mental health strategies I can muster, but it's become clear that I'm in the middle of an episode of depression right now. I hate it so much.

I'm taking things a day at a time, a step at a time.

I recently had a second appointment with my new psychiatrist, who I really seem to click with (I'd waited about 9 months to get one after my previous one closed up shop). He gave me some new information and things to try without any medication change, which I'm totally fine with. However, he informed me he's moving on to another job so I'm back on the waiting list again, with my general practitioner overseeing my med prescriptions once more.

I like my GP but he's upfront about not knowing psychiatry, and has even suggested I may want to travel out of town to find someone. Which I don't want to do, especially given our winters.

I know I'm not alone in this type of situation. All the same, I feel discouraged at the moment. I'm used to having episodes of depression interrupt my life, and can handle them fairly well if they only last a few days, or even a couple of weeks, but this one has been dragging on for a month or more, and I keep thinking my low mood will lift soon. I still hope it will. But so far it's hanging on, and it's not easy to be optimistic..

I tell myself I've come through this stuff before, which of course is true, and come out the other side and lived to help somebody else, also true, but right now I'm just tired and want to cry.

I have an appointment with a mental health counselor later this week. This will be our second time meeting. The first time was sort of getting to know each other.

I hate this merry-go-round

Let me say I'm not suicidal in any way, What I am is depressed, frustrated, emotional and very tired. Thanks so much for reading this

P.S. - I'm supposed to attend a friend's wedding this coming weekend. It would be nice to feel joy for her. As it is, I'll do my best to attend, and stay as long as I can manage. I realize while I'm talking of the wedding I feel angry at being robbed of joy, yet again, by this disorder. Dammit.

[Mocha231]

Hi uni,

I am sorry to hear that your doctor is moving on. This unfortunately is very common. Instead of travelling out of the city to see a new doctor I was wondering if a remote option would potentially work for you? I was also wondering if you have spoken to your doctor about your most recent depressive episode. If your gp is suggesting that you find another therapist, they want you to speak with someone who has more experience treating others with various mental health challenges. Which would ideally be a great course of action for you. I was also wondering if you have tried CBT in the past and if you found this helpful.

Mocha231

[uni]

Thanks for replying, Mocha231, I appreciate your take on things.

I do indeed know about CBT and use it every day. It's one of my go-to mental health tools, but challenging my negative thoughts repeatedly is wearing me down.

I shared my current situation with the psychiatrist and he gave me some cognitive/behavioural tips/reminders, plus some scientific information as to how the brain works regarding depression, so that was good.

He believes I've been pushing myself too hard for too long, and I think he might be right, so I've backed off (or the depression has backed me off). In any case, I'm allowing myself to rest more, and pick and chose what I do and who I see and what commitments I take on.

The idea of a remote option has not been suggested to me by any psychiatrist, counselor, or GP since the pandemic. It may be something that I'll have to do. Unfortunately the small city where I live is running very short on all mental health professionals. There just aren't enough to go around, virtual or otherwise. Hence the waiting lists for pretty much everything.

One good thing, however, is that we have a local mental health walk-in clinic if you need someone to talk to right away. I took advantage of it once last month. The counselor was helpful, but of course is not a psychiatrist, and I was unable to see her again as she is walk-in clinic staff, not regular counseling staff.

And so it goes.

Thanks again for your reply.

[Hazelcat]

Hey Uni.

Just wanted to offer support. I struggle with mood swings a lot, and mine can vary week to week depending on how I'm sleeping and what my stress level is. Fatigue is a huge contributor. Meditation (even for 1 minute, what my counsellor called a "mindful minute") helps. There are good guided meditations on many topics on Youtube.

Hope the appointment with the new counsellor goes well. I usually find therapy lifts my spirits a bit. I also try reading/watching comedy every day, like watching a comedy TV series at night. Even a temporary boost in mood can be a real relief.

Give yourself credit for good minutes/hours - it means you are doing something right. Also, there's nothing wrong with a "neutral" mood - in the Western World we have this weird idea that we should be happy and positive all the time - and Summer is often a particular time when we feel pressure to be in a good mood and frolicking in the great outdoors. I personally hate stuff like suntanning (redhead here), picnics (I prefer to eat without bugs trying to share my food), camping and hiking. If I go to the beach, it's to sit in the shade and read a book. I do like walks under the stars on warm summer nights though. I guess what I'm saying is do what YOU like, not what you think you should be doing. Also I'm sure you're familiar with the CBT concept of "depression checking," where you constantly measure your level of depression. That in itself can be depressing.

[uni]

Thanks very much for your kind words Hazelcat. Much of what you say is not unlike my own story, and helps me feel less alone in this stuff.

Regarding fatigue and meditation, sometimes meditating puts me to sleep, so I take that to mean I need the rest . Other times, meditation is very grounding and calming, refreshing even. I like when that happens.

I too find that therapy will lift my mood a bit, I think because it helps me gain a bit of hope and perspective. As for comedy, I'm all for it. I like the quirky TV shows like Corner Gas and Schitt's Creek. Other things too, like the old Beverly Hillbillies. Seinfeld. Even Family Guy. All sorts, really. Do you have any favorite comedies? Maybe I could check them out.

I'm with you on not being into the "rah-rah it's summer so we must do all these summer things". I used to be okay with hot weather and sun, but I think my body's temperature regulator broke somewhere along the way, and now heat really gets to me, mood wise and also physically, so like you I seek shade. And air conditioning.

Thanks for the reminder to do what I find best for me, rather than what society/peers think is best for me. Not easy I find, but worth it overall.

[Hazelcat]

I enjoyed Corner Gas and Schitt's creek too. Other comedies I've enjoyed are Modern Family, Big Bang Theory, Young Sheldon, Ghosts (American version) and the Good Place. For books, I've enjoyed the work of classics like James Herriott and Stephen Leacock, and modern authors like David Sedaris and Jenny Lawson.

[Hazelcat]

I also enjoyed some British comedies like Fleabag and After Life. Also enjoy certain drama-comedies like Ginny & Georgia, The Rookie and Dead to Me.
Most of these are modern because I do tend to like modern shows, at least not more than 10 years old. Although I did enjoy some classic shows like Seinfeld, the Simpsons, Monk and Scrubs.

Oh and another good Canadian show is Kim's Convenience.

[uni]

I know some of those shows but not others, Thanks for giving me a few new ones to check out!

[uni]

An update. I'm having more "better" days and times, but still some pretty bad ones. It's quite unpredictable.

Summers are never my best time, due to heat not agreeing with my mind or body. I get very sluggish, and irritable, with my nerves on edge, when I'm somewhere too hot. This happens even in the winter if I'm inside a place that's very warm. This happens even when I'm not in a depressive slump. I mean very sluggish. And very irritable. And nerves way too on edge.

This time of year, my extended family want to do stuff in the hot sun. I'm sure they're tired of my lack of enthusiasm, but I'm done trying to explain depression and my reaction to heat, and just limit my involvement rather than suffer like I used to. Not to mention my large family often brings large stress. I continue to try and find a way to participate and also stay sane.

I don't blame anyone for any of this, I just have to accept that summer has a lot of negatives for me. I can get a bout of depression at any time of year. The difference is that summer lacks some supports I'd otherwise call on.

In the summer, routine sort of goes out the window, Community groups I'm involved with aren't meeting again until fall, so I miss that. Friends are traveling, entertaining family, going to their lake cabins, etc. I just don't have it in me to go on a big trip again (the one I took in June was plenty) and I don't own a cabin. I try to do day trips when I can. Unfortunately my car has had a couple of issues lately that have me sticking close to home. That's another story I won't tackle here.

There are longer wait times to get appointments of any kind (even for my car) because of staff holidays. It all adds up to being rather limiting. Thank heaven for a the few people and activities that remain consistent year round -- they are a godsend. And for the internet. Which includes this forum, and anyone who happens to come on. I'm attending a few mental health related zoom meetings now, which I appreciate. They originate elsewhere in Canada but I can still take them in.

I sometimes think I'd be better off in a big city, because there would be more air conditioned places to spend time at. However, I don't have much desire or reason to move. I mainly wish I could just enjoy hot weather more, and heat is everywhere. I don't think moving to a big city is quite the answer somehow

I had more typed out but somehow I lost it. This will do for now. Thanks for reading.

[Mocha231]

Hi Uni & Hazelcat,

Sorry about the late reply. I am so glad that you have access to a counsellor that you can speak with as the need arises. Unfortunately with many organizations their is not enough mental health professionals to support the large amount of clients, which usually leads to clients be placed upon a waitlist for service.

Hazelcat your show suggestions are wonderful, thank you so much for sharing them. Uni I can understand how you are unable to engage in a lot of summer activities especially in the heat. Those day trips that you take sound like a wonderful idea.

The most important thing to remember is that getting up and out of bed in the morning is the first step to starting your day and your definitely taking this step when you are able. The city can be fun and exciting and very fast paced, but I prefer a slow and calming place.

Have a lovely night everyone,

Mocha231

[Mocha231]

Hi Uni,

I wanted to share a link with you about program called bounce back. I know that you have tried CBT in the past but you may find this program beneficial to you.

BounceBack®: A Free Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) Program For Mental Health (cmha.ca)

Mocha231

[uni]

Thanks for the feedback Mocha231, I appreciate it.

I checked out the BounceBack link. It might be something I'd try, but not right now. I've done lots of virtual support stuff and it all involves looking at more screens, which I need a break from for a while. I've bookmarked it for future reference though, so thanks!

[Mocha231]

Hi uni,

That is completely understandable. I think that too much screen time in the summer is definitely not the best idea, especially when we can take part in some amazing outdoor activities like exploring a trail or going hiking. Perhaps you can find some In person groups in your area. You did mention previously that there is a lack of resources in your area so this may not be possible. You can also think about joining groups that focus on some of your interests, like book groups, writing groups etc, which are also very helpful.

Have a lovely day,

mocha231

[uni]

I belong to photography and writing groups, and also do volunteer work but unfortunately they all break for the summer months. There's a new small walking group that does a total of 3 walks this summer, but there's been too much heat and smoke on the 2 days scheduled so far. With luck the third one might work.