Depressive episode recovery

[Jenks]

I experienced an acute depressive episode in late May and was admitted to a mental health centre where I stayed for 2 months. I was discharged about 2.5 weeks ago and have been at home recovering before I have to go back to work. I'm waiting to see a therapist for further treatment, but in the meantime I've been trying to manage on my own and it's beginning to go very poorly. I'm feeling weak and incredibly guilty for not feeling better and for not having the energy to do a lot of fun things with my kids. I think they understand when I say "I'm not feeling well" but I don't think anyone understands that even when I'm up and doing things, I'm really not actually feeling well. It's a constant battle that I'm so so tired of fighting.

When I was discharged, I knew it would be tough but in the back of my mind I've kept telling myself that I should feel normal and if I don't feel normal then it's all my fault because I'm not actually sick, just weak and stupid. I want to trust the professionals' opinions but at the same time, I keep thinking they're wrong and I've wasted everyone's time. And now I'm home and making things awful for my family.

I hate this.

[Mocha231]

Hi Jenks,

I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through. I was just wondering if you are ready to return back to work? I was wondering if short term or long term disability may be an option for you, until you are able to return back to work. I was also wondering what you have been doing with regard to working on your mental health, for example have you been taking medications or undergoing counselling like CBT? Try to take things one day at a time, getting out of bed is the first positive step that you can make each day. Many of these symptoms that you have been experiencing are quite common when it comes to depression, unfortunately. Sometimes people also fail to realize what it’s like for someone living with depression.

mocha231

[Jenks]

Hi Mocha,

I have a plan in place for return to work and am currently on short term disability.

I've been taking my meds (as prescribed by the psychiatrist at the hospital I was in) but I've had no other therapy since I was discharged. I do start therapy on Thursday though, so hopefully I can get some relief from that soon. I am just struggling so much with the guilt of feeling so "lazy" and with trying to remember and believe that I am actually sick. It's such a strange feeling being tricked by your own brain. Is this normal?? Am I actually sick? I keep telling myself the doctors are wrong and that I'm just a terrible person.

Sorry for the rambling. I just need to get it out.

[Mocha231]

Hi Jenks,

I am so happy to hear that you will be starting therapy soon. I’m hoping you find it beneficial. You’re definitely not a lazy person. Lack of motivation is associated with depression. You’re also not a terrible person, you are doing everything you can to improve upon your mental health. These are amazing and positive steps that you are taking. Keep up the great work.

mocha231

[Mocha231]

Hi Jenks,

Joining support groups may also help. You may also want to try doing some calming stress free activities, like taking a walk for example or meditating.

mocha231

[Hazelcat]

I experienced an acute depressive episode in late May and was admitted to a mental health centre where I stayed for 2 months. I was discharged about 2.5 weeks ago and have been at home recovering before I have to go back to work. I'm waiting to see a therapist for further treatment, but in the meantime I've been trying to manage on my own and it's beginning to go very poorly. I'm feeling weak and incredibly guilty for not feeling better and for not having the energy to do a lot of fun things with my kids. I think they understand when I say "I'm not feeling well" but I don't think anyone understands that even when I'm up and doing things, I'm really not actually feeling well. It's a constant battle that I'm so so tired of fighting.

When I was discharged, I knew it would be tough but in the back of my mind I've kept telling myself that I should feel normal and if I don't feel normal then it's all my fault because I'm not actually sick, just weak and stupid. I want to trust the professionals' opinions but at the same time, I keep thinking they're wrong and I've wasted everyone's time. And now I'm home and making things awful for my family.

I hate this.

My psychiatrist told me that it's really common with depression for people to perceive that they are "faking it" and just a bad or lazy person. That's the illness talking. I have an extremely strong inner "critic" (more like self-hate) from growing up with an abusive parent. Sometimes I find it helpful to visualize this inner enemy as an actual character (like from a book). I know that part of that character's motivation is to finally whip/kick/beat me into shape so that I am a perfect lovable person. Unfortunately this is impossible as we are all just fallible human beings. So I visualize sending this inner enemy away on a sunny vacation so they leave me alone. Sounds silly but it helps me.

If what I've said isn't helpful, there are many books and articles about dealing with that inner voice that says you are a terrible person. It's worth remembering that actual bad people aren't likely to worry about being bad people.

[Mocha231]

Hi Hazelcat,

This is such an amazing suggestion. Thank you so much for sharing this.

Sometimes it’s hard for people to view themselves as good people if they have been subjected to lots of negative messages about themselves over the years, this is known as internalized oppression. Which just makes it harder for people to truly love themselves.

mocha231

[uni]

Hello Jenks, welcome to the forum, and thanks so much for posting some of your story.

I can relate big time, because when I was still in the work force (retired now) I went through very similar stuff. When you say "I hate this", I totally know what you mean.

Depression is a sneaky underhanded illness, it tries to get you believing the problem is all your fault, and does a pretty good job of it sometimes. And it does tire you out and wear you down. It's not your fault! You have depression. And you deserve a lot of credit for making it through the last few months and coming out the other side

If you can take each day at a time to get a little more healed, and maybe pace yourself and have support, things will get better. I firmly believe this. Meanwhile though, the illness will try your patience, because we never seem to recover as quickly as we'd like to.

I'm currently trying to get past a dragged-out period of depression that has not wanted to let go. I'm still not done with it, but things are better than 2 weeks ago or a month ago. So that's progress. Halting, but progress.

It's good to know I'm not the only one. We can do this, a day at a time.

[uni]

Just wondering how things have been going Jenks

[Gentle D]

I experienced an acute depressive episode in late May and was admitted to a mental health centre where I stayed for 2 months. I was discharged about 2.5 weeks ago and have been at home recovering before I have to go back to work. I'm waiting to see a therapist for further treatment, but in the meantime I've been trying to manage on my own and it's beginning to go very poorly. I'm feeling weak and incredibly guilty for not feeling better and for not having the energy to do a lot of fun things with my kids. I think they understand when I say "I'm not feeling well" but I don't think anyone understands that even when I'm up and doing things, I'm really not actually feeling well. It's a constant battle that I'm so so tired of fighting.

When I was discharged, I knew it would be tough but in the back of my mind I've kept telling myself that I should feel normal and if I don't feel normal then it's all my fault because I'm not actually sick, just weak and stupid. I want to trust the professionals' opinions but at the same time, I keep thinking they're wrong and I've wasted everyone's time. And now I'm home and making things awful for my family.

I hate this.

Hi Jenks,
How are you doing today? I am checking up on you to know how you are doing.

[Dancer247368]

Hey Jenks! I am sorry to hear about how tough things have been for you with your recent depressive episode. I definitely relate to the negative self-talk that we may tell ourselves about our mental health conditions/states - that you feel "weak," and that you feel you are wasting your loved ones' time.

Something that sometimes helps me reframe my self-blaming behaviours and thoughts is to compare my depressive episodes (or really, any mood episode, outburst, etc. that I have) to a more "physical" ailment. For example, I like to remind myself that with my chronic migraine condition, similar to my bipolar 1, it has caused me to cancel plans last minute with loved ones, call out of work, and do other things that may put my life on pause to try and feel better. When I have a migraine, I am also just simply not myself because of the pain I am enduring; I am less emotive, more tired, and completely out of it.

Nobody who cares about me and loves me would EVER blame me for having an unpredictable migraine attack and doing what I can to help myself feel better, nor acting differently than I normally do when migraine-free. And to add, my people would do whatever they can to accommodate me and my condition, because they care and love me. This is the same thing for your depression. Mental health conditions and problems are just as real as the more "physical" ailments, so you could deduce that 1) you not feeling well is 100% valid and real - it is not you just being "weak" or a burden in any sense, and 2) your people who love and care about you see this, too.

I hope this change in perspective can help you out, and I hope that you are taking care of yourself in any way you can!