Anticipatory Anxiety

[Jafar the wizard]

What am I feeling now ? I feel frustrated , worried , uncertain , angry , sad , and crippled .. things are out of my control ..
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That's how I feel right now while writing this .. and how I felt several times in my life .. usually these feelings are triggered by anxiety when I need to wait for somebody else's approval .. someone taking his or her time to check my papers before approving them .. it happened to me several years ago when I was waiting for my application for Canadian citizenship to be approved .. it took them two long years and I really hate remembering it .. it happened also when I waited for my ODSP approval .. and in several other occasions in the past ..
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That's a part of my personality .. That's why I hate asking for help even when I really need it .. because I'm very sensitive to rejection and I hate feeling under somebody else's control .. things get worse when you ask for help and then you need to wait too long for an answer ..
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That's why I can't work full-time anymore and I have a problem with bosses and authority .. things are not really under my control .. I Hate bureaucracy and hate the double standards and hypocrisy surrounding it .. the fact that we are surrounded by powerful individuals who are very good in applying pressure on us to finish tasks as fast as we can .. while they take their time to avoid being under pressure .. it doesn't happen only with bosses .. it can actually happen when I deal with selfish people who are only capable of one single thing : making their job as easy as possible and make themselves as relaxed as possible , while leaving the hard work for me and for other unlucky individuals ..
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I think that's why being an uber driver was a suitable job for me .. i started doing this as I got approved for ODSP back in December 2017 and received a few thousands of dollars as a payment from ODSP for the unpaid previous months ..I used the money to buy a second hand car and applied for Lyft and Uber and I was approved ..
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I can be my own boss and only work when I feel ready to work .. I like having more control on my daily life and it worked .. the past seven years were much better than 2014 - 2017 .. I can deal with my bipolar symptoms and try to use my awareness to control my personal social environment and my professional life ..
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However , the start of 2025 is a totally different story ..
To be continued in the comment bellow .. I'm sorry but I need to share more details and I don't want the post to be very long and boring ..

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[Jafar the wizard]

The last two weeks of 2024 and the first week of 2025 was a totally different story .. for the first time since January 2018 I'm experiencing this kind of anxiety while anticipating an unknown future .. I'm worried , scared , and uncertain .. my Uber account has been inactive for 3 weeks now .. just because of submitting some new updated documents .. all went OK except one of them : criminal background check .. should I worry about the results ? .. absolutely not .. I already received my papers from the police and submitted them to Uber but it's taking forever to be approved .. why ? .. misunderstanding .. Uber prefers background check to be performed by a third party ( Triton ) while the one I have was issued directly by local Police Service .. and uber can't accept scanned copies ( uploaded through uber app )
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At the beginning i managed to deal with my anticipatory anxiety in a very positive way.. i just considered this a break during the holiday season and tried my best to enjoy gatherings with friends .. but as soon as 2025 started i realized that things are more frustrating than what I initially thought ..
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In brief .. what do i have to do now ? .. I think I have three options :
First option : drive to the nearest uber office and submit the original copy to be approved by an agent there ..( I'm not pretty sure it can really work this way ) ..
Second option : restart the check process through a third party and pay another $70 and wait for another week or two ..
Third option : i quit from uber and go look for a part time job .. go back to life before 2018 .. which is exactly why I'm anxious ..
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I needed to share this hoping that it can help me feel better .. Ancipitory anxiety is not a joke .. it's a nightmare for me .. sometimes I feel that enjoying a holiday is like a guilty pleasure that i dont deserve .. a sin that demands punishment .. I feel punished

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Feel free to comment

[uni]

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this stuff Jafar. I agree that anticipatory anxiety is no joke. I experience it sometimes too, and it can really interfere with participating in life, let alone enjoying it.

I hope that posting and putting things into words has helped you gain some perspective. It seems like you've thought things through, having come up with the options you listed. I hope one of them works for you.

I understand how it could feel like you're being punished, because you took some time off, but really you aren't being punished, and you did nothing to deserve any negative consequences. Sometimes they just happen, but being sensitive to rejection makes one more vulnerable to self blame I think. I sometimes have to talk kindly to myself by thinkiing "What would I say to someone I care about if they were in my situation?'" Sometimes we are very hard on ourselves, where we wouldn't be on others.

Anyway, you know yourself better than anyone does, so I hope that by following what works for you, the Uber situation will be resolved. I wish you some peace of mind at least some of the time while things are uncertain. For all I know this may be water under the bridge by now, as I haven't checked the forum much lately and just saw your post.

I wish you all the best.

[Jafar the wizard]

Thanks , Uni for commenting .. just reading it means a lot for a person like me ..

[uni]

You are most welcome Jafar