I really dislike saying this, but I'm dealing with yet another round of depression, having finally come through an extended one earlier this year.
Part of the problem has been inconsistency in the availability of treatment, due to staffing and operating changes in the health system where I live, since the psychiatrist, the psychologist, and the mental health support group I had for many years are no longer available. My psychiatrist passed away, psychologist went into expensive private practice, and support group was blown out of the water during the pandemic and has not yet been reinstated due to staffing issues.
So I've been trying my best since the fall of 2019 to negotiate this changing landscape of wait lists and health professionals retiring, quitting, and moving on, replaced with younger ones who keep moving on as well, to the greener pastures of private practice or larger cities. Plus all the stuff that the pandemic changed, and a change in structure of our health system province wide here in Saskatchewan several years ago, the domino effects of which are still happening and will be for a while yet. I sometimes feel I hardly know how to go about seeking help any more. Google it? Well, yeah, as far as that goes I guess, which believe me I have done. A few things have been helpful, but a good solid relationship with a helpful doctor or counselor or group is a heck of a lot better.
I do have a few positives going for me. Knock on wood and hope I don't jinx things, my general practitioner ie. family doctor is still in business and accepts me as a patient. This has been helpful in at least getting referrals to new psychiatrists, plus of course any physical stuff and medication refills. And my former psychologist, a real gem who now does only zoom appointments, is still available. I can get part of her eye-popping fees covered through my retiree insurance from my former job, but even then it's darn expensive, especially for more than a couple of sessions.
After the death of the long-term psychiatrist, I eventually got to see a new one, mostly by telephone through the pandemic, who then closed up shop over a year ago. So back onto the waiting list, got another psychiatrist last spring for 2 appointments until he left to do research work. Had one appointment with the latest one back in early fall of 2024, with a second appointment lined up for December, then a dear member of my extended family passed away and the funeral was the same time as my appointment, so I cancelled it and that shunted me back on the the waiting list again. I'm currently waiting to be phoned and given an appointment time.
If you've followed this convoluted post this far, I thank you! There is more....
I was able to get a few counseling appointments here and there over the last few years at our local mental health clinic thanks in part to their "walk-in" hours during weekdays. The deal is, they try and get you to see a counselor of some sort that same day, or at least line you up with someone within a short time. I was able to request more appointments with a counselor I clicked with, had a total of three, and was okay with that. Next time I needed to see someone though, she had quit. So i got another one for two appointments and she also quit. Mind you, to be honest I didn't find her too helpful anyway, which I guess just happens sometimes.
I've managed to muddle through as best I can, and this is despite changes in medications along the way, which can be a crap shoot quite frankly, but I'm going along little by little until more stability in mental health care is available, which I'm hoping is not an "if" but a "when".
I'm not new to depression. I have many tools in my helping-myself-stay-as-healthy-as-possible toolbox. But sometimes they simply aren't enough, or I'm too ill to be able to use them. I know one thing: if everything I've learned and all the support I've had isn't enough to get depressive illness to go away and stay away, then I just have to accept it's something I have to live with. The question some days, even after all these years, is how? With what quality of life?
So it comes down to doing the best I can today with what I have, and hoping for a better tomorrow. Repeat as needed.
I'm not suicidal or anything near it, I should make that clear. And for that I am super grateful. But the reality of what this disorder is capable of doing to a person is not nice. Period.
I'm worn down and tired and frustrated at trying to not let depression get the best of me. But I have a lot of hope and faith that this too shall pass and I'll feel good again, maybe even for quite a long time. And I fervently hope that should things get bleak, I'll have a more stable setup with getting the help I need. I'm sort of stubborn, you see, when it comes to wanting not only to function in life, but to enjoy it again. God willing, that will happen.
Thank you so much for reading this. I know that writing it all out has given me a better perspective on things. Hugs to you and me
Part of the problem has been inconsistency in the availability of treatment, due to staffing and operating changes in the health system where I live, since the psychiatrist, the psychologist, and the mental health support group I had for many years are no longer available. My psychiatrist passed away, psychologist went into expensive private practice, and support group was blown out of the water during the pandemic and has not yet been reinstated due to staffing issues.
So I've been trying my best since the fall of 2019 to negotiate this changing landscape of wait lists and health professionals retiring, quitting, and moving on, replaced with younger ones who keep moving on as well, to the greener pastures of private practice or larger cities. Plus all the stuff that the pandemic changed, and a change in structure of our health system province wide here in Saskatchewan several years ago, the domino effects of which are still happening and will be for a while yet. I sometimes feel I hardly know how to go about seeking help any more. Google it? Well, yeah, as far as that goes I guess, which believe me I have done. A few things have been helpful, but a good solid relationship with a helpful doctor or counselor or group is a heck of a lot better.
I do have a few positives going for me. Knock on wood and hope I don't jinx things, my general practitioner ie. family doctor is still in business and accepts me as a patient. This has been helpful in at least getting referrals to new psychiatrists, plus of course any physical stuff and medication refills. And my former psychologist, a real gem who now does only zoom appointments, is still available. I can get part of her eye-popping fees covered through my retiree insurance from my former job, but even then it's darn expensive, especially for more than a couple of sessions.
After the death of the long-term psychiatrist, I eventually got to see a new one, mostly by telephone through the pandemic, who then closed up shop over a year ago. So back onto the waiting list, got another psychiatrist last spring for 2 appointments until he left to do research work. Had one appointment with the latest one back in early fall of 2024, with a second appointment lined up for December, then a dear member of my extended family passed away and the funeral was the same time as my appointment, so I cancelled it and that shunted me back on the the waiting list again. I'm currently waiting to be phoned and given an appointment time.
If you've followed this convoluted post this far, I thank you! There is more....
I was able to get a few counseling appointments here and there over the last few years at our local mental health clinic thanks in part to their "walk-in" hours during weekdays. The deal is, they try and get you to see a counselor of some sort that same day, or at least line you up with someone within a short time. I was able to request more appointments with a counselor I clicked with, had a total of three, and was okay with that. Next time I needed to see someone though, she had quit. So i got another one for two appointments and she also quit. Mind you, to be honest I didn't find her too helpful anyway, which I guess just happens sometimes.
I've managed to muddle through as best I can, and this is despite changes in medications along the way, which can be a crap shoot quite frankly, but I'm going along little by little until more stability in mental health care is available, which I'm hoping is not an "if" but a "when".
I'm not new to depression. I have many tools in my helping-myself-stay-as-healthy-as-possible toolbox. But sometimes they simply aren't enough, or I'm too ill to be able to use them. I know one thing: if everything I've learned and all the support I've had isn't enough to get depressive illness to go away and stay away, then I just have to accept it's something I have to live with. The question some days, even after all these years, is how? With what quality of life?
So it comes down to doing the best I can today with what I have, and hoping for a better tomorrow. Repeat as needed.
I'm not suicidal or anything near it, I should make that clear. And for that I am super grateful. But the reality of what this disorder is capable of doing to a person is not nice. Period.
I'm worn down and tired and frustrated at trying to not let depression get the best of me. But I have a lot of hope and faith that this too shall pass and I'll feel good again, maybe even for quite a long time. And I fervently hope that should things get bleak, I'll have a more stable setup with getting the help I need. I'm sort of stubborn, you see, when it comes to wanting not only to function in life, but to enjoy it again. God willing, that will happen.
Thank you so much for reading this. I know that writing it all out has given me a better perspective on things. Hugs to you and me
I just hope this keeps up.
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