Depression makes me hate myself

[Jafar the wizard]

Depression is non productive .. during my depressive episodes I struggle to get out of bed and take a shower .. When I'm depressed I start doubting about myself , I start hating myself .. because I feel guilty for being so lazy and non productive .. I need to work to pay my bills and my credit cards .. my financial problems cannot just disappear by ignoring them and sitting at home doing nothing .. I need to drive Uber to make money .. but I just can't ..
..
This morning I forced myself to wake up early , took a shower and went out to work .. drive uber ..
During the first ride the passenger asked me : " are you all right ? "
That was a shock .. is it really that obvious ? ..
I took two more ride requests and then decided to go back home because I discovered that I forgot to bring my wallet .. and my driving license is in my wallet .. and when i arrived home I noticed that I left my prescription sunglasses at home .. and these sunglasses are essential for me when I start my day just before sunrise ..
..
Being depressed is much more complicated than ( just being lazy ) .. it's even too hard for me to pretend that everything's fine .. and it hurts me a lot to remember times in the past when I was shamed for being so lazy .. but the truth is I'm not really that lazy .. it's just a depressive episode .. and people around me are used to see me full of energy and motivated .. and they can't accept the other ( lazy ) side of me during my strange mood swings ..

[RunningKnitter]

Hi Jafar,

Thank you for sharing. I am sure many others can relate to your experiences. The negative self-talk in our heads is an ongoing thing we have to manage.

Do you have tools that you use when you are in that state? Do you have supports (professional or personal) that you can talk to?

[Jafar the wizard]

Thank you for commenting , Running Knitter ..
..
I'm afraid the only person i can talk to is my psychiatrist .. and he has no time for talking .. his job is to see me alive once every few months , then sign and approve a refill for my prescription ..
I wish I can talk to someone but the city i live in has so many severe cases of mental illness .. and I'm usually considered a mild case ..
..
Maybe it's my mistake .. I'm not good in asking for help even when I need it .. and I'm very sensitive to rejection .. if I get rejected once or twice I give up .. might take me a year or two to try again ..

[RunningKnitter]

Hi Jafar,

In Canada there are organizations such as CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association) that offer many services and support groups for free. Is there anything like that in your area?

[Jafar the wizard]

Yes there is .. but everything changed after Covid 19 .. two places I used to visit are closed now .. and some of them only provide help through phone calls ..
..
However , I have to start looking for new places to visit .. I have to admit that I'm too frustrated to act and try .. I just quit looking for help or asking for help ..

[RunningKnitter]

Hi Jafar,

Is there one small step you can take to find a new place for supports? I know for myself, sometimes I have had to break it down to just looking up information one day, with no pressure to call. And then I would call the next day. Just a suggestion.

[Jafar the wizard]

Thank you for your comments , Running Knitter ..
Yes .. your suggestion works for me .. as soon as I go home I'll try contacting CMHA office by phone or email .. they still have useful connections .. even if they're not open for walk-in visits ..

[RunningKnitter]

Hi Jafar,

Great! Let us know how it goes!

[uni]

Hello Jafar. I'm very sorry you're going through a depressive episode. You describe it all so well, and I can relate completely. Why is depression so hard to budge sometimes?

Although I don't drive for Uber, I know all about giving oneself "lazy" messages when they are undeserved. It's hard not to.

For what it's worth, I seem to be getting past the worst of my own depression bout, so maybe that's of some small hope to you, as you were supportive recently to me.

All we have to do, really, is get through this one day at a time. I do hope you're able to find some in-person support. Even one or two understanding humans can make the world of difference. If that's hard to come by, how do you feel about zoom meetings?

Meanwhile, I'm glad you are coming onto the forum to post. That's a good thing.

I'm wishing you all the best.

[Jafar the wizard]

Hello Uni .. it's always nice to read your comments ..
It all started on Monday morning ( February 24th ) .. the first 4 days were tough .. but after that I started feeling better and I was back on the road .. still not in my best but at least I can work .. even if I work for only 4 hours a day it's better than nothing .. I'm very careful and I learned from my previous experiences that my behavior during depressive episodes can be much more complicated than just being ( sad ) or ( lazy ) .. depression makes me very easily irritated and can lead to RAGE .. and I have always struggled with RAGE .. and during the past few years I read a lot about ( how people with bipolar disorder experience RAGE and MELTDOWNS ) ..

[Jafar the wizard]

Update :
I contacted CMHA last Thursday and they asked me to visit them personally .. and I did .. same afternoon ..
I applied for several programs ..
Today Monday , March 11th is my first visit to the ( Mental Health Rights Coalition ) .. this place was reopen in a different location and with different staff .. it's a good start ..

[uni]

Hello Jafar. I'm glad to hear that you've been able to work, that is good news. I also think it's great that you've managed to connect with the CMHA and Mental Health Rights Coalition (with whom I'm not familiar). All steps in the right direction for sure Congratulations on accomplishing all of these things despite being depressed, I know it's not easy!

Regarding rage/anger... during my most recent go around with depression I noticed my anger could be triggered by the smallest thing. Also my tears could start for the tiniest reason. It's like the emotions are sort of over-reacting to everything. I really had to avoid certain situations and people. It's calming down now but I don't totally trust my emotional reactions even now. I don't know if that's anything like what you describe, but in any case I agree sometimes our outbursts just make a bad situation worse. Good for you realizing that.

[RunningKnitter]

Hi Jafar,

That is SO great to hear! You should be very proud of yourself for taking those steps! Keep us updated with how things go!

[Jafar the wizard]

Uni and Running Knitter .. thank you for following my updates ..