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    sister relationship

    Hello,
    This is my 2nd step to seeking help for myself in coping with my relationship with my sister who has been diagnosed with BPD, the first was getting some literature. It`s been a really long ride but in short I have had custody of her son for 5 months now and our relationship has been really going downhill since I started the process almost a year ago. It was me or adoption. Of course she wanted her son back but that was not the way it was going to happen as such, she does see her son on a regular basis but these days I`m not spending time with them because I cannot STAND her. Quite frankly it doesn`t seem like anyone can.
    My latest issue I guess is that whenever I make a plan with her it never ever goes according to how we discussed. I understand things go awry sometimes but for every single plan it gets frustrating. Today I was too meet her on the bus, I told her son this is what was to happen. She wasn`t on the bus and I went to the wrong location. She did find me but it wouldn`t have happened if she was on the bus in the first place. i had called just before I left to confirm what was happening.
    Anyway, let`s just say I got mad and I am trying to be aware of these feelings and not burst out but it is so difficult. I can`t talk to her about these issues, she never sees my side, everything is about her but I`m the one looking like I have BPD sometimes and not her. There are so many issues. She told me today to have some faith in her but how can I have faith when things like this keep happening. Today was really minor or seems so minor but one on top of a million....I can`t take much more.
    I`m pretty sure friends are tired of hearing me vent and I`m tired or ruining time with friends by venting.
    Thank you for letting me rant. I do hope soon to meet up with her, hopefully she`s willing and start over. She needs to know why I get so upset and how we can work on things...and start off our meeting on a positive note...that`s really important.
    Beth
    "An expression held that 'you love with your heart, not words from your mouth.' Even characters in an opera wouldn't say to each other, 'I love you.' Instead they showed their sentiment through their actions." - Egg on Mao, Denise Chong

    #2
    Welcome to the forum Beth. You have a lot on your plate. It must be very complicated have custody of your sister's son. You are very selfless to take on that responsibility. Good for you for getting some literature and getting educated. Is your sister seeing a psychiatrist (P.doc)? Would she consider the two of you going to an appointment together? Have you ever considered seeing someone (counselor/therapist) to support you in all this? Vent here anytime!
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      welcome to the fourm Beth...
      Anne.

      Comment


        #4
        Welcome Beth,

        AJ makes some good points about both you and your sister seeking some professional assistance in sorting out these difficult and frustrating situations.

        I respect you for trying to keep your relationship with your sister and for taking care of her son.

        Sometimes people just need some time to themselves to work things out. I don't know how much of your sister's behaviour has to do with her disorder or her personality but either way, it doesn't mean that you always have to meet on her terms. If you need to take a breather from your sister while you settle in with your new family member--maybe that is something you could talk to her about. Don't be afraid to do what is best for you and what is best for your nephew because he is now your responsibility. And if you are uncertain as to what is 'best' for you and your nephew, that is where it can be useful to use the help of a councillor or a social worker to talk about the situation and possible ways of navigating solutions to the various challenges you face. (Plus, councillors can be great people to vent to sometimes).

        I wish you the best of luck. You sound like a really caring person who wants what is best for your family.

        astronaut

        Comment


          #5
          Hello Beth and welcome. Helping someone with a mental illness, printed by the Mood Disorders of Ontario, has a lot of good good advice. http://www.mooddisorders.ca/guide/gu...-mood-disorder

          The following may sound as if I am berating you, I'm not. I think that you are very wise to seek solutions to a very difficult and no doubt exasperating situation. That is why I printed the link to the guide as it's information will be much more helpful than anything that I can say. Rather I am trying to portray how your sister may feel and sometimes it helps.

          No matter how great your frustrations, I can pretty much guarentee that your sister is suffering as much as you are. Nobody choses to be ill. Yes, those of us that are ill can make some pretty horrific life decisions, but that is the nature of the illness and not necessarily the nature of the person. If we thought clearly and rationally it would not be called a mental illness.

          The pain and agony of a mental illness goes on 24/7. It just never ends unless treated properly. There is no guarentee that even with the best of doctors that getting better will not be a 10-15 yr ordeal that makes a trip through Hell seem like a Disnesy World Ride.

          The stigmatization of those of us with the illness by family and former friends is exceedingly difficult to deal with. Very few humans willingly chose to be friendless or to have bad friends, but the behaviour caused by our mental illness often causes us to drive away those people that we need most for support. It's certainly not the logical thing to do, but we do it because we are ill, not because we are logical.

          I am not making excuses for your sister, but I 've been in her shoes. I'm much better now. I still have difficulties with my illness, but I am also to the point where I can now do a lot of good in society again. But there are a lot of folks who will go to their grave thinking that I am the worst piece of human garbage around due to my past behaviours. 15 years later I still have regular nightmares about my past. It was a nightmare for myself and for those around me. By all means learn about the illness and protect yourself and your nephew, but don't give up on your sister. It is possible to get better and change one's behaviour, but it doesn't happen easily nor quickly. Take Care. paul m
          "Alone we can do so little;
          Together we can do so much"
          Helen Keller

          Comment


            #6
            Hello Beth, and welcome. Thank you for sharing some of your story. I can only imagine how frustrated and exasperated you must be. Being mentally ill can be a relationship killer. I've had it happen more than once.

            Even if my family can't understand the illness, or some of my behaviours or ways of thinking, they have learned that I am not a mean or stupid person, I just get very sick sometimes. At that point, they give me what they can, and take a step back if need be, in order not to get drawn in and sick themselves. I am so glad they are able to do this, it relieves some of the guilt I feel for being so hard to love.

            To hate the illness, yet love the person, is MUCH easier said than done. I have a couple of dear friends with mood/personality disorders, whose behaviours can make me want to slam the phone on down on them, or shake them until they see sense, or find a way fix them - ASAP. Sometimes I want to scream - and have done (didn't help). In the end, I have come to lower my expectations that they will ever be totally well forever, which is a very hard pill to swallow, and which I cry over sometimes.

            However, with time and MUCH patience, I can now see that they can't help certain things. Other things, though, they do have control over - allowing someone to help being the biggest one, and usually the toughest.

            As for my own illness, I know that my loved ones MUST look after themselves if they are going to deal with my depressions. And I know I can't depend on only one or two people for support, because it is too much for them. And that's ok. I now try not to overload any one person, and find that counselling, doctors, and peer support groups (where I have gained friends and confidantes) have given my relationships a fighting chance - maybe even made them stronger.

            Unfortunately this takes a lot of time. And a ton of patience. Which not everyone has, being human. It sounds like you are doing whatever you know how to, in order not to make a tough situation tougher. Taking on responsiblily for your nephew is no small thing - I really admire you for that. I think he is lucky to have such a caring aunt.

            Please feel free to do all the venting you want here. I'm very glad you have found this forum. I wish you, an your sister, and your nephew all the best.
            uni

            ~ it's always worth it ~

            Comment


              #7
              Good post Uni, you said things much better than I did. Beth if you are still reading, we do admire your courage, strength and determination to see that your nephew is well raised. I hope that you will continue to feel free to vent and learn here. Take Care. paul m
              "Alone we can do so little;
              Together we can do so much"
              Helen Keller

              Comment


                #8
                Thank you Paul. I do understand much of what you said and when I am frustrated I act out almost the same way she does. You`ve probably heard it before where the support person wonders if they are the one with the disorder. I know it is just my frustration and everytime I look back on the tough moments I try to think how it should have been dealt with differently.
                With the last incident I just had with my sister I am thinking about how much of communication isn`t even done verbally. You can`t just assume and I think this is where I find difficulty. Everything literally has to be spelled out, spoken out and that is tiring in itself to repeat what one thinks should be common sense...a term I`ve learned that is really a ridicuous thing to say.
                At the moment I can`t really spend more than even 15 minutes with my sister or hold a long conversation. I feel she is a little consumed by gossip. Also and this may sound wrong but again you`ve probably heard it before ...giving advice that she can`t even take or see a reason why she should take her own advice or think about how her decisions are affecting me and her son and what she expects of my friends even.
                Anyway I rant now but I will be sure to look at your link.
                Beth
                "An expression held that 'you love with your heart, not words from your mouth.' Even characters in an opera wouldn't say to each other, 'I love you.' Instead they showed their sentiment through their actions." - Egg on Mao, Denise Chong

                Comment


                  #9
                  Thank you Uni. I just posted a whole blurb about a bunch of things but I guess it got lost I`ll have to try again another time as it`s getting late but I want to at least let you know I read your msg and I hear you!
                  "An expression held that 'you love with your heart, not words from your mouth.' Even characters in an opera wouldn't say to each other, 'I love you.' Instead they showed their sentiment through their actions." - Egg on Mao, Denise Chong

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Thanks Beth for the update. Go ahead and rant however much you like; it usually helps.

                    Doesn't it suck when you lose the "blurb" you went to all that trouble to write? I'm glad to hear from you anyway, and I hope you are able to post again soon.
                    uni

                    ~ it's always worth it ~

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Hmmm, it`s been a while! You could say things are slightly looking up. I had a great meeting with my sister tonight about what`s to come for the fall and also over challenges she`s had with her son lately on their visits. It was very much a challenge for me at first with all the transitioning for the little guy but we`ve made our way and set the ground rules now pretty much and now it`s time for his mom to face many of the same things I did. It could be a lot more challenging for her but I told her I was pretty impressed with how she got through one rough morning and that it was no different from what I went through. I told her how we need to be there for each other at these moments. God knows Ì called her a few times ready to who knows what when things blew up....The importance of taking your own time outs are invaluable!
                      I have backed off with a lot of the things that bother me about certain things she does and try not to get caught in some of her drama and well not sure how it will go. I feel like she needs a bit of attention right now but I`m so glad our meeting was so focused and not on all her drama....it may have been she was just in a better mood. Who knows! Some things to work on for the fall but so far so good!
                      How`s everyone?
                      Beth
                      "An expression held that 'you love with your heart, not words from your mouth.' Even characters in an opera wouldn't say to each other, 'I love you.' Instead they showed their sentiment through their actions." - Egg on Mao, Denise Chong

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Hello Beth. It's great to hear that you and your sister's meetings are working out a bit better.

                        You asked how everybody is, well I cannot speak for everybody, but I'm doing ok. How have you been? Take Care. paul m
                        "Alone we can do so little;
                        Together we can do so much"
                        Helen Keller

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thanks for the update, Beth. I hope that your sister's moods continue to get better so that your relationship continues to become less tense. It sounds like there is some progress already.

                          be well,
                          astronaut

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hi Beth, I am Jenn. I just read this post from beginning to end. There is one key difference between you and your sister, and that is insight. When I was actively ill, I had no insight into my illness or how my actions affected to others. It seemed to those on the outside that I was insensitive and selfish. Also, my concentration is the pits. I still frequently miss appointments and forget important dates. Once a person is diagnosed, there are things that they have choices in, control over. Medication compliance-regularly taking your prescibed medication. Doing things that improve their overall health, like getting appropriate sleep. The medication isn't a cure.
                            If you are interested in reading material, this is a great website. www.bphope.com. It has recommended reading and other links. I subscribe to the magazine. Knowledge is power. I agree with the others who mentioned couselling. Is your nephew getting therapy? If not, please think about looking into it. My son was 7 when I was diagnosed and the counselling was a life saver for him. She told me that children are terrific observers, but lousy interpreters. So, they often take what they see, and come up with their own conclusions. Because they don't have much life experience, their conclusions are often devastating. My son observed my behaviour and assumed I was dying, and he was afraid. Keep up the good work. Your sister desparetly needs someone who won't give up on her. Take as many breaks as you need. Preserve yourself, and never forget how important you are.

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