Hello:
I am new to this forum and am hoping that someone can help me. My partner is undiagnosed but there is no doubt that he has Bipolar Disorder. It has taken me some investigation to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, but when I started reading articles and letters written by Bipolar sufferers and family members it was a revelation! I believe he has rapid-cycling Bipolar Disorder with emotional disconnect.
A bit of back ground- my partner (M) and I are a mixed race and mixed religion couple: he is Muslim, from South East Asia and I am French/Irish Canadian. He has been in Canada for 15 years and is very Western. We are both professionals in our early forties: I am in Healthcare and he is in local government. We met three years ago and have been best friend and partners for just over two and a half of those years. He is a wonderful man most of the time: he is intelligent, complex, diverse, curious, generous, affectionate, funny and adventurous. However, when he is maniac or derailed he can be paranoid, unrealistic, indecisive, demanding, immature, extremely controlling and unkind. I would describe myself as kind, empathetic, (very) patient, loyal, intelligent, and intuitive. I have problems with self esteem, and have trouble with self-doubt. I am almost always even tempered, but after 2 1/2 years of M's fluctuating moods I have struggled with bouts of depression, mainly due to not knowing what is happening to him when he suddenly disconnects from me. During these time he can be very, very controlling and cruel. It was apparent from the early stages of our relationship that something was off. Initially, I thought that it was cultural or religious difference but as I got to know M better I ruled that out. He is very Western, grew up in a British boarding school and is not very adherent to his religion.
M and I do everything together: hiking, bike riding, camping, canoeing, grocery shopping, cooking (he is a wonderful cook, I am not). We go to restaurants, music festivals, concerts, opera (which he hates but attends for me), gardens, lectures. We also travel together. He is my very best friend. We do not live together (neither of us are interested in sharing space and you will see why, below) but we live in the same condo complex and have suites two doors apart which is a very good arrangement. We sleep over on weekends and occasional week days. We have a fabulous *** life, too. He is the love of my life and I cannot imagine how lonely and bleak my life would be without him. Most of the time.
Here it comes... BUT... he will be amazing, loving and affectionate for weeks and then suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, he will shut me out completely. I can't reach him - he won't respond to texts, email, he won't answer his phone or come to the door. It is like I don't exist anymore. I am totally blind-sided. I am left reeling, I literally NEVER, NEVER know what is wrong. I started keeping a detailed journal to see if I could identify changes in his personality prior to these events, or obvious triggers in our relationship or the local environment. I have not been able to determine anything. I never know how long the silences will last, or if they will end. When he is coming back out, he can be very insensitive and cruel.
The first few times it happened were the worst. I blamed myself and thought that I had inadvertently said something offensive to his religion or to himself. I spent nights crying and hating myself for being somehow insensitive, wondering if he would ever speak to me again. I would send texts apologizing for everything I could think of that may have somehow offended him. And he would not respond. Eventually, after a week or so he would send a text or two, and I would be hugely relieved. Things would very slowly return to normal, and he would be great for weeks. Because I did not know what had caused these "rifts" as I called them, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, always careful of what I said and did when I was near him.
As we spent more time together, I found he was very hard to get to know. He would not let me in to his apartment for 13 months, yet he frequently stayed over night at my place. When he finally let me in it was a perfectly nice, slightly messy suite. The way he reacted I was expecting something heinous! He was extremely uncomfortable if I asked him questions, personal or otherwise. Even after dating for a year and a half I felt like he was a casual acquaintance. He would on very rare occasions, say something that added a piece to the puzzle. Once he told me that he was a monster inside, and once he told me he doesn't belong. When I asked him what he meant, he said : "to the human race".
I am new to this forum and am hoping that someone can help me. My partner is undiagnosed but there is no doubt that he has Bipolar Disorder. It has taken me some investigation to pinpoint exactly what is wrong, but when I started reading articles and letters written by Bipolar sufferers and family members it was a revelation! I believe he has rapid-cycling Bipolar Disorder with emotional disconnect.
A bit of back ground- my partner (M) and I are a mixed race and mixed religion couple: he is Muslim, from South East Asia and I am French/Irish Canadian. He has been in Canada for 15 years and is very Western. We are both professionals in our early forties: I am in Healthcare and he is in local government. We met three years ago and have been best friend and partners for just over two and a half of those years. He is a wonderful man most of the time: he is intelligent, complex, diverse, curious, generous, affectionate, funny and adventurous. However, when he is maniac or derailed he can be paranoid, unrealistic, indecisive, demanding, immature, extremely controlling and unkind. I would describe myself as kind, empathetic, (very) patient, loyal, intelligent, and intuitive. I have problems with self esteem, and have trouble with self-doubt. I am almost always even tempered, but after 2 1/2 years of M's fluctuating moods I have struggled with bouts of depression, mainly due to not knowing what is happening to him when he suddenly disconnects from me. During these time he can be very, very controlling and cruel. It was apparent from the early stages of our relationship that something was off. Initially, I thought that it was cultural or religious difference but as I got to know M better I ruled that out. He is very Western, grew up in a British boarding school and is not very adherent to his religion.
M and I do everything together: hiking, bike riding, camping, canoeing, grocery shopping, cooking (he is a wonderful cook, I am not). We go to restaurants, music festivals, concerts, opera (which he hates but attends for me), gardens, lectures. We also travel together. He is my very best friend. We do not live together (neither of us are interested in sharing space and you will see why, below) but we live in the same condo complex and have suites two doors apart which is a very good arrangement. We sleep over on weekends and occasional week days. We have a fabulous *** life, too. He is the love of my life and I cannot imagine how lonely and bleak my life would be without him. Most of the time.
Here it comes... BUT... he will be amazing, loving and affectionate for weeks and then suddenly, without any warning whatsoever, he will shut me out completely. I can't reach him - he won't respond to texts, email, he won't answer his phone or come to the door. It is like I don't exist anymore. I am totally blind-sided. I am left reeling, I literally NEVER, NEVER know what is wrong. I started keeping a detailed journal to see if I could identify changes in his personality prior to these events, or obvious triggers in our relationship or the local environment. I have not been able to determine anything. I never know how long the silences will last, or if they will end. When he is coming back out, he can be very insensitive and cruel.
The first few times it happened were the worst. I blamed myself and thought that I had inadvertently said something offensive to his religion or to himself. I spent nights crying and hating myself for being somehow insensitive, wondering if he would ever speak to me again. I would send texts apologizing for everything I could think of that may have somehow offended him. And he would not respond. Eventually, after a week or so he would send a text or two, and I would be hugely relieved. Things would very slowly return to normal, and he would be great for weeks. Because I did not know what had caused these "rifts" as I called them, I often felt like I was walking on eggshells, always careful of what I said and did when I was near him.
As we spent more time together, I found he was very hard to get to know. He would not let me in to his apartment for 13 months, yet he frequently stayed over night at my place. When he finally let me in it was a perfectly nice, slightly messy suite. The way he reacted I was expecting something heinous! He was extremely uncomfortable if I asked him questions, personal or otherwise. Even after dating for a year and a half I felt like he was a casual acquaintance. He would on very rare occasions, say something that added a piece to the puzzle. Once he told me that he was a monster inside, and once he told me he doesn't belong. When I asked him what he meant, he said : "to the human race".
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