I wrote this poem...

[jennisk]

I wrote this poem at a very low ebb. Some part of myself, a part that I was not fully aware of, knew that the rest of me needed help. Badly. And soon. I was terrified to reveal the depth of my darkness. The ongoing cockroach thought was, "they will lock you up." I am a wife, and a mother, and a daughter, and a sister, and a friend. I am also a psychiatric nurse. I am aware of the irony and that fact is proof that illness has no respect for who you are and what you do. I confess, I am reluctant to share this piece of myself. My mother, who is my biggest fan, and strongest advocate, encouraged me to share it. Her dream is that someday, it will be published. My reluctance is rooted in the thought, "who will care?" Maybe nobody. Maybe somebody. My feeling is that I am honouring my mom, who believes in me. So, read on...

Untitled
All around me I see laughing, working, playing, crying.
These are free to move
unimpeded.
I feel the pull of gravity on my limbs, dragging me down.
I struggle on the edge of the black hole that was first a supernova.
A blinding explosion that ripped away the armor of perceptions that protected me. Soul laid bare I labor
on the brink.
Able to see but not seen. Able to hear but not heard.
Willing my feet to move forward.
Looking back at the maw of blackness that would accept me.
When the unencumbered breeze by,
the wake that laps over me stings
of pity.
The waves of disbelief and misunderstanding knock me off balance.
The enlightened travel past much closer.
Their air clears my cobwebs. Refreshes with
hope.
Closer still come rescuers.
With love tied tight they freely give strength. Shouldering my weight, I can finally cross the barrier
Always behind me the breach beckons singing its siren song of
despair.


By Jennifer (a.k.a. Jennisk) May 9, 2008

[A.E.V.]

for you jennisk!
thank you for posting that part of yourself!

[uni]

Wow! Thanks for sharing such a powerful poem; I'm glad you decided to post it. And btw - I will care

[jennisk]

Thanks guys.

[Stormy Weather]

Closer still come rescuers.
With love tied tight they freely give strength. Shouldering my weight, I can finally cross the barrier

I love this part, but what I am most touched by is your relationship with your mom - You are very blessed to have that, which I sense that you already know. I too have a mother who is my biggest fan and believes in me. It's priceless, and has helped me overcome so much.

It's a beautiful poem. Thanks for trusting us enough to post it. It's a very personal piece, our lowest points are our most vulnerable and raw.

[AJ]

Thank you Jennisk for sharing this poem with us. You have found words to speak of that which often is unspoken.

[astronaut]

Jennisk,

You mentioned your poetry writing on a post a while ago. I am glad you finally decided to share! I enjoy reading other people's work. You are courageous for sharing that personal poem. Something which I would find hard to do.
My favourite bit is that you have despair lurking even when you find hope. That seems very real to me. That is what depression is like to me. --Or am I interpreting this wrong??

astronaut

[jennisk]

Astronaut, you have it on the nose. Lurking, waiting. Almost like a thing that is alive.
To the rest of you, thanks for reading. I feel validated.
Stormy, I am glad someone else has a mom who is so "in their corner". Sometimes I feel guilty for having that when so many other people don't.

[Re-O]

hi Jennisk,

What a very powerful and honest poem. I felt each line personally. Thank you

[jennisk]

I glad you could read it.

[Aurora]

Hi Jennifer-Just ready your poem & it is Wonderful -I really enjoyed reading it. Just wanted to let you know. Crystal

[Kaight]

So glad to hear you have the support of your mother.
I think it is quite likely that love is the only force up for a battle against the pulls of a black hole.

[jennisk]

Yep. That is exactly right.

[astronaut]

I hate to sound like such a downer/ungrateful to those who love me but I'm not sure if love ever played a factor in me getting better. My depression tends to take that particular emotion away from me and I think I may become rather resistant to feeling love from others too. I tend to think that what helped me begin to rise out of the "black hole" was the fact that some people remembered me. If I had of been forgotten completely, I think I would have done the deed.
Maybe I'm wrong about the love thing though. Maybe I'm in denial about being capable of feeling love. Sounds like a good topic for my next psychotherapist visit: am I capable of feeling love and is that a factor in me getting better?

anyways, food for thought I guess.
astronaut

[jennisk]

I think that people who care about you are those who remember you, who see you. I remember my mom crying with me after I read her this poem, and her saying, "I see you." She was shocked that I didn't know that. But I really didn't at the time. I didn't believe that I was loved. I was blessed with my little miracle though. I loved my son. But from anyone else, to anyone else, no. I had to put it out there, and ask though. I took a risk and it paid off. Knowing with certainty that I was loved allowed me to love in return. Selfish? Insecure? Not sure.