Love. Or any other emotion for that matter. Now there’s a big juicy topic! Your statement “am I capable of feeling love and is that a factor in me getting better?” got me thinking of what role emotion plays in my day to day. I know I’m not good at identifying specific emotions in myself or in others. Maybe I just don’t have the vocabulary. This makes it very hard to react effectively to how I’m feeling at any given moment. I usually feel one of two ways: good or not good.
I’m sure that others see me as apathetic… but I just don’t know how to react to emotion. Thankfully since I discovered this trait in myself I’ve spent a lot of time observing others, trying to understand how to be supportive. This has given me some “go-to” phrases at least… but me using these sentiments always leaves me feeling like a bit of a fraud.
I wonder how I got this way… so detached from my emotional self. Here is a theory: at some point in my life, likely long ago, I started noticing things about myself that I didn’t like and that I knew others wouldn’t like as well. Instead of working on these issues, my perfectionistic self hid them away. I was always a shy person, unlikely to spill my heart out to anyone, so instead I hid away those things I didn’t like. I couldn’t fix them. I didn’t know how and I certainly wasn’t going to ask for help. They got buried deep, and then so many other things were dumped on top… its all buried so deep now I don’t even know were to start digging.
Anyway, all that hiding has left me alone, unable to understand how to make or maintain a friendship. Quite frankly, most of the time I’m petrified of friendships. I have too many secrets. Furthermore, friendships are so confusing… and I can’t imagine any additional turmoil in my life. I create enough for myself.
In spite of this, I think there are people who do love me. I can’t pretend to understand why. I don’t think love always has a why… its not the least bit logical. I think that I must also feel some distortion of love towards certain people. Why else would I feel such incredible guilt for the pain that I cause the ones around me?
I thank this “love” for bringing me back from the precipice so many times. At some point I am always thankful for a second chance.
I’m sure that others see me as apathetic… but I just don’t know how to react to emotion. Thankfully since I discovered this trait in myself I’ve spent a lot of time observing others, trying to understand how to be supportive. This has given me some “go-to” phrases at least… but me using these sentiments always leaves me feeling like a bit of a fraud.
I wonder how I got this way… so detached from my emotional self. Here is a theory: at some point in my life, likely long ago, I started noticing things about myself that I didn’t like and that I knew others wouldn’t like as well. Instead of working on these issues, my perfectionistic self hid them away. I was always a shy person, unlikely to spill my heart out to anyone, so instead I hid away those things I didn’t like. I couldn’t fix them. I didn’t know how and I certainly wasn’t going to ask for help. They got buried deep, and then so many other things were dumped on top… its all buried so deep now I don’t even know were to start digging.
Anyway, all that hiding has left me alone, unable to understand how to make or maintain a friendship. Quite frankly, most of the time I’m petrified of friendships. I have too many secrets. Furthermore, friendships are so confusing… and I can’t imagine any additional turmoil in my life. I create enough for myself.
In spite of this, I think there are people who do love me. I can’t pretend to understand why. I don’t think love always has a why… its not the least bit logical. I think that I must also feel some distortion of love towards certain people. Why else would I feel such incredible guilt for the pain that I cause the ones around me?
I thank this “love” for bringing me back from the precipice so many times. At some point I am always thankful for a second chance.
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