Finally!!!

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum MoMoe. I don't have anything to add to what others have said. I just wanted to say as well, that you are not alone in your struggles. You are stronger than you may think, and you will get through this.

I too have grieved the loss of pets. It's devastating and there are no rules about how much, in what way, and for how long we can grieve.

[MoMoe]

Hi Determined

Thank you for your kind words. I realize no one has the answers to my own problems but empathetic listening and validation from people who understand goes a long way. I think I have difficulty accepting at times that I may be pushing myself beyond my capabilities. I think I struggle with it not because I feel that I have to accomplish everything and do it better than anyone else, but rather that I just want to get through it. Period. Like normal people seem to be able to do. I get really tired of feeling like I need special privileges (such as the detailed letters provided by my psychiatrist for late assignments at school) just to get by. I can’t bare the thought of being pitied. My semester finishes on Friday and tomorrow I will have to ask for another extension – I will spend my holiday break writing papers if they will let me in order to continue with the program in January. I need to find the strength to defend my right to be there because I am very slow but I also have the top marks in the school. Still, I am very fearful of what their decision will be. This program is something I started 20 years ago but didn't finish. It has been a goal ever since so there will be no quitting on my part.
I am sorry you are not feeling great as well. I hope today was better for you. I am happy to listen to what is troubling you as well.

[MoMoe]

Hi paul m

Thank you for your response. As I mentioned to Determined, I am still struggling, but feeling a little better today. It is interesting what you say about illnesses changing as it is something that recently occurred to me as well. I have noticed a change or more like an evolution of my illness. I have come to realize that they are sneaky buggers that are deceptive. Whether it be laying dormant from medication or exposure to triggers that set off symptoms I may have not experienced before. My panic attacks have changed and increased dramatically over the last 10 years. However, even though combating the issues can be like nailing Jello to a wall, I have also become much better at recognizing symptoms earlier.
As for your 4 Christmas dinners – there is no need to diminish the anxiety over that. I completely understand how difficult and draining that can be. (Even if you like the people! LOL). So much activity & expectations, at this time of year is just plain exhausting. It is a horrible thing to feel lonely this time of year especially, but feeling too overwhelmed can be paralyzing and debilitating. I wish you peace and happiness throughout all of your turkey dinners.

[MoMoe]

Hi bella22

Thank you for your kind support. I am glad that this group has been beneficial to you so far. I have wondered about online support groups for a while now but never had the nerve to investigate before now I suppose. I am really trying to concentrate on taking it one day at a time but anxious thoughts are always hovering so it can be a continuous battle keeping them at bay. I think my biggest fear is if I let myself take what time I feel I need, I will suffer consequences from it. (for example being asked to leave school because I am too slow).
I am sorry you are not feeling great. Getting up in the mornings can certainly be a challenge when you are ill. Do you sleep very well during the night? Sometimes there is just never enough sleep to be had. I hope you are feeling better.

[MoMoe]

Hi AJ

Thank you for responding. Reading everyone’s comments last night gave me a lot of comfort before I tried to get some sleep last night. I did slept better than I have in a while. I used to feel strong when I was younger and I so wish I could feel confident about that again. Logically I know I have overcome some significant struggles, which I am proud of in some ways but in other ways it makes me feel like I am worn out from having to constantly try. Sometimes I feel that as I age, my mind, like my body is slowly wearing down and not so strong anymore.
I am sorry to hear that you RA is hindering you from your therapeutic walks with your dog. I know how much joy it can bring being out in nature with your dog. I hope it subsides enough to let you enjoy it more very soon.

[bella22]

Hi MoMoe,

I also came across this forum when I was looking online at what kind of resources were available to me in regards to depression. I actually haven't taken any initiative to seek help in the past. The reason being, I've tried to open up to my family about my struggle with depression, but they were not the least bit understanding or supportive and that held me back. Infact, I'm at a point in my life where I feel alienated by them and that's been tough on me. So it helps to be able to write and hear responses from others who understand. I don't get the best sleep at night, but I know its because I've got too much going on in my head. I couldn't agree more, there is never enough sleep to be had.

I definitely understand your fears when it comes to school. University doesn't always allow you to do things at a pace that feels right to you. It could be very stressful at times. To have gotten as far as you have with your education all while coping with a mood disorder is an accomplishment within itself. I completed close to three years of my degree before I dropped out. A big part of it was those anxious thoughts you mentioned, I let those thoughts defeat me. I had no strength. But you have come so far and you sound passionate about your studies and I hope you don't let those thoughts or this illness defeat you. You do have the strength within you to keep fighting through this. If at all possible, please don't worry too much. You're going to be okay. I hope everything works out for you.

Bella

[AJ]

I can understand the feeling of worn out from trying MoMoe. I think our bodies do get worn out and so do our minds. I think we need to rest our minds as much as we need to rest our bodies. I know how intense University can be, and resting is often something students chuckle at, but it is an essential part of our well being.

I don't have the energy I did when I was 20. I think that's a natural part of aging. At the same time I think our illness(s) whether physical or mental, take something away from us. It can be energy draining to keep afloat in every aspect of our lives, never mind have a good quality of life. Having said that, I still know that life can be good, even with the hardships.

[MoMoe]

I think you hit the nail on the head with not having a good quality of life. I feel like I am expending all my energy just to scrape by. The more I fall behind in my papers, the lower my self esteem slides, convincing myself that I am "less than" everyone else. I was never a good student even though I managed to get through a BA, but this graduate program is so important to me. I have not been in university for almost 20 years so on top of my ADHD impeding my ability to get through hundreds of pages of reading each week, I also have zero clue how to do the work at a graduate level (i.e.: how to reference things, research, APA style formatting... uggh) - I am so paranoid about completely failing that I second guess everything I write, yet I have never gotten less than an A in anything so far. Still, I can't seem to accept that I am good enough because I can't get it done fast enough. I will hear back from the school today to find out if I will be asked to leave the program. If that happens I don't know what I will do. I fear for my mental state if I can't continue with the program. I am sorry if I am venting too much, but today this is a huge worry for me and I am trying to keep my panic attacks under control. I decided to write here again today because writing to an anonymous group gives me the opportunity to get my feelings out but unlike writing in my journal, there are other human beings who might be listening. Even without having any answers, I am grateful to just be heard. Sending you and everyone here well wishes and blessings today.

[MoMoe]

Hi Bella

I do understand your struggle with family not understanding. My mother and 2 sisters all live together and I would describe the relationship as dysfunctional. I need to keep a healthy distance for them for my own health. I have tried to talk to them in the past about my illness but they really don't understand nor do they know the extent of it. In true dysfunctional form, my admission to them of having mental illness has created their platform for labelling me as "the sick one". Meanwhile they can barely function (no education, can't keep a job, bankruptcy, never had any romantic relationships etc). They use my mental illness as a way to normalize their lives I believe. I love them all dearly but for my own sake I keep the at arms length which sadly only deepens the wedge and keeps me alienated. I don't know if this is in any way similar to you family dynamic but I do understand how tough and lonely that can be. I really appreciate your encouragement with my school work. At this point I have so many people who care about me that believe I can do it so I need to keep telling that to myself. Blessings.

[bella22]

Hi MoMoe,

I can definitely understand where you're coming from. I hate that mental illness can put such a barrier between ourselves and the people we love. My family and I are in two different places mentally. They've been able to let go and move forward with their lives successfully. I still get haunted by my past and I've been failing at my attempts for the future. I keep falling deeper into depression. Since they aren't able to empathize with my mental illness, communication between them and I is very strained. I can relate in that I sense my family feels superior in relation to all my struggles. I only wish they wouldn't see me as a miserable, troubled person. When family is all you got, not being able to feel their love is a very lonely kind of pain. On a different note, I'm glad you're staying strong with everything you're going through with school. Be sure to keep us posted. No matter what happens, you will get through it.

Bella

[paul m]

Hello Momoe. The saying "like trying to nail Jello to a wall" is one that I haven't heard for a while, but is a good description of many things. The following is not a request for information.

You had said that you were waiting to hear whether or not you would be allowed to continue your studies. I hope that everything went ok . I can understand your disappointment if it didn't.

However whether you were allowed or not, doesn't make you a success or failure. You are a success for just having tried in spite of having disabilities. Many people never experience failure (or success) because they never try.

In regard to your saying that you are "venting too much" there is no such thing. Please feel free to vent all that you like. Take Care. paul m

Hello Bella22. I can understand your feelings about your family. It is terrible when they just refuse to understand and view us as a failure. Strained relations are the last thing that we need, but that is often what we get, unfortunately. Take Care. paul m

[bella22]

Hi paul m,

Thank you. Its true, strained relations are often what we get. Its sad, but I'm trying to cope with it. Take care.

Bella

[uni]

I want to say thank you for all that has been shared here. Whatever your problems, someone here has had them too. It does my heart good to be back among those to whom I can truly relate. Especially this time of year!

[MoMoe]

Hi everyone. I hope you all made it through the holiday unscathed and found somethings to get enjoyment from. I kind of shut down after my last post. For those who may be wondering, I was granted the holiday break to finish my papers. I was so happy but soon after realized that Christmas is a time when I can barely function anyway. The last thing I could handle was spending the break doing exactly what I was desperate to step back from. I made the assumption that because I hibernate away from everyone, the time alone would let me get my work done. The opposite happened. The more I tried, the more difficult it got which sent my anxiety in to full swing wth daily panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. As each day went by with nothing accomplished, the more shame I felt and withdrew even more. Once I knew for sure that it was impossible to get it all done, I gave up completely and my self loathing led me to drink alone for about 3 days straight. Now I have to face the school once again today to tell them I wasn't good enough. I can't sleep, I don't eat and I have cut myself off from everyone around me. I don't think I have the strength to ask the school once again to give me more time. I am really torn between the school's support only going so far for someone with an illness, vs my rights as a person who is paying a huge amount of money out of my own pocket to get this education. My pdoc insists that her supporting letters should be more than enough for a private school (which is a mental health therapy program) to accommodate my need to have time needed to get through the material. They know I have ADHD, GAD and BiPoar. Yet I still have the highest marks in the school. I can't make myself fall asleep before 3-4 am. I try every day to get up by 8 but some days (like today) my alarm was still going off from 8 am when I finally woke up at noon. Had no idea it was going off all that time. Everything my doctor gives me for sleep doesn't put me to sleep, it just keeps me in a drug induced sleep for way too many hours. Last night I tried 2mg Ativan at 8pm thinking I would go to bed around 9:30-10 after doing some school work. Next thing I know it is 11:30 and I still haven't even blinked an eye. I went to bed and was wide awake until 1:30. I couldn't stand it anymore so I took a 1mg of Ativan which helped me fall asleep fairly quick. Problem is what I mentioned earlier. If I take them too late they seem to affect me for about 12 hours groggy, physically lethargic etc. Does anyone else have this type of sleeping problem? I have tried so much in the past but nothing seems to work to just knock me out at the time I want to go to bed. I rarely have trouble falling back asleep if I wake up throughout the night. All the meds I have taken so far seem to be treating that instead. thank you all for listening.

[paul m]

Hello MoMoe. Sorry to hear that you had so many problems over the holiday break. I know that guilty feeling where we just beat ourselves up. On another thread to a different person I said that we should always remember something similar to this:

" We have to remember that we are good people with bad illnesses and not bad people with good excuses"

There is quite a difference. It took me a long time to learn that and I can still feel guilty at times over the failures that are the fault of my illness rather than my fault.

In regards to sleeping. I can be still up 7am and feel fresh or I can go to at 3am and then sleep through the alarm some days. Sleep problems have been a big part of my life and I've never found a perfect solution. I have found it slightly easier to go with the flow rather than fight it at times. That is, I will go 3-5 days with little sleep and then catch up by sleeping a lot or I sleep in shifts as my body feels tired. (3am-7am, and 5pm-8pm for example).

I find lorazepam a lousy med to put me to sleep if I am already worked up or anxious about something unless I take a large dose (3mg) all at once. Each person has their own tolerance level on Lorazepam, so 3mg may be a small dose for some and a huge dose for others.

I have heard that the quick dissolve lorazepam works much quicker and better for sleep problems, but so far I haven't tried it. You put it under your tongue and it goes dissolves quickly and goes right into your blood stream.

Over the years I've also tried very low doses of seroquel, 25mg or less with some success. But I hate how I feel when I first wake up. But it does work for me.

What I am currently experimenting with right now(under a doctors supervision) is a low dose of an old antidepressant, amitriptyline. Taking 10 mg of that puts me to sleep, but it tends to leave me groggy in the morning and so I only take it when I'm catching up on my sleep and want to sleep soundly for 10-12 hrs. Good Luck with everything and Take Care. paul m