Introduction: Looking for a pause button...

[AnonGuy2020]

I'm new, and I'm not sure exactly where I fit in here.

There have been times in the past when I thought about hurting myself.
I got help.
I got 'better'.

There have been times when I felt like I couldn't stand the weight of the world, and needed to run away from everything.
I got help.
I got 'better'.

Now, the desire for self-harm is gone. The compulsion to run away is substantially reduced. The feeling of being crushed is just a dull weight. To paraphrase Roger Waters, I have become uncomfortably numb. The stress level just kind of sits there, uncomfortable, but manageable.

Unless something happens. Financial stress, relationship stress, noise, crowds. That kicks the stress up to the point where I give out a silent scream in the confines of my head. If I can remove myself from the situation, it subsides. That's usually easy for crowds and noise. Not so much for finances and relationship issues. Luckily, I have a very understanding spouse who I can talk to about almost anything. When it comes to money, I lay out plans, and do my best to follow through until it's only a minor crisis.

To summarize, I'm coping. I've been dealing with this for long enough, if I weren't coping, I wouldn't be here.

But I constantly long for a pause button.

To pause life.

To pause bills. To pause relationships.

To keep everyone else on the planet at a distance.

To escape from noise.

To just stop existing for a week or two while my batteries recharge.


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[AJ]

Welcome to the forums AnonGuy2020. I totally get the need to recharge your batteries. I manage to fit in walks and hikes, but sometime a 2 week escape to the wilderness would be great.

[Kaight]

Yep AnonGuy2020, I get what you're talking about. My batteries must be old, 'cause they drain really quick and it takes a really long time to charge them. A pause would be nice. Sounds like you need a vacation... like AJ said - a couple of weeks in the wilderness.

Take care,
Kaight

[AnonGuy2020]

A vacation would definitely be great. I just need to scrape together a budget, because right now the vacation i can afford would be sitting around my noisy house. I've been spending more time outside playing Pokemon, and that's helping, but my wife often asks me to come home and fix something in the house, so I don't always get the wind-down I need.

This weekend is supposed to be nice out. Hopefully I can spend some time outside by myself.

[uni]

Welcome to the forum AnonGuy.

Thanks for the description of how things feel to you. I can relate to a lot of it. If I don't hit the pause button from time to time, I'm in danger of screaming, crying, running away, or any number of unhappy things, or even dangerous ones.

I try to remember what has brought me some breathing space and calm in the past, which gives me ideas for the present. Because I can go around in circles after a while and not think straight, and forget what works. Everybody's different I guess.

Some things that help me are taking a scenic drive, or walking where there's any kind of greenery or water or even snow and rain. When all else fails, I can meditate. It doesn't exactly solve the problem but it allows my mind to get some clarity. I don't know if any of this helps you, but anyway since you mentioned not knowing where you fit in, it sounds like you fit in here perfectly