It's been a while since I've been on here. Not sure if it's because I've been ok or just busy.
Life is busy as usual. I have acquired a new program, even though the one I've been dealing with is crazy enough.
I went back on my medication 3 days ago. And I know I should stay on it all the time but I find no matter what they give me after 2 weeks I am worse than I was before and I can't think clearly. So I go off them and I seem fine for a couple months. I know I need to give them more time but with the work I do. I need to be able to think clearly all of the time because u never know what is going to occur.
I don't even know what's really the problem. At this point in my life everything is good. I am 3 months away from the bankruptcy on my credit report to disappear. I am moving at the end of the month into a house that I am working on purchasing (my uncle is helping me so it's pretty much a done deal)
I choose to move because as much as I enjoy living with my roommate. The weed smoking is no longer something I want to take part in and living with him I can't say no. I find that things r clearer when I'm not smoking. And I've learned this over the last six months as I have been traveling a lot and not doing it for weeks at a time.
But I'm up and down again. Manic isn't as bad as the depression. It's eating me up inside. Nothing makes me happy right now. I want to sleep all day. And it's hard to go to work and actually do anything.
Everyone says it's just the stress and yes there has been some stress.
I had one of my longest employees give me 10 days notice before she quit on me. And an employee that was unhappy about the way the system is. Walked out on me a day before my other employees last day. So I am currently down 3 staff with 3 programs to run.
I met a man a year ago and in the last little but I have realized that I have wasted a year on someone who has a problem with the distance (live 4 hrs away) and refuses to consider moving. I make a large amount of money working where I am because of how long I have been here and my position. And I've looked into it, I would lose at least 30000 a year by moving. So now I need to find a way to end things and really don't want to. But if I'm wasting my time here I may as well focus my attention else where.
Which is why I am now buying a house. I was given the opportunity for some help and decided I may as well own then rent.
For me this is all a bit to much for me. Which could be why the depression is back. I don't know. I like to figure out why when there might not even be a way. The suicidal thought are back. I think about it all the time. I have seen my councilor and will go back again if I feel worse. I just don't understand why and I'm so frustrated that it makes me want to stay in bed even more.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I'm just in bed thinking about how I hate my life and I'm not happy and I don't know why. Thinking about life being so hard right now and I just need a break. And it never happens. Feeling like it's to much and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore. And sad. And I'm not dealing with sad very well right now.
Don't know how I'm going to spend 22 hrs at work tomorrow when I don't want to leave my bed.
Life is busy as usual. I have acquired a new program, even though the one I've been dealing with is crazy enough.
I went back on my medication 3 days ago. And I know I should stay on it all the time but I find no matter what they give me after 2 weeks I am worse than I was before and I can't think clearly. So I go off them and I seem fine for a couple months. I know I need to give them more time but with the work I do. I need to be able to think clearly all of the time because u never know what is going to occur.
I don't even know what's really the problem. At this point in my life everything is good. I am 3 months away from the bankruptcy on my credit report to disappear. I am moving at the end of the month into a house that I am working on purchasing (my uncle is helping me so it's pretty much a done deal)
I choose to move because as much as I enjoy living with my roommate. The weed smoking is no longer something I want to take part in and living with him I can't say no. I find that things r clearer when I'm not smoking. And I've learned this over the last six months as I have been traveling a lot and not doing it for weeks at a time.
But I'm up and down again. Manic isn't as bad as the depression. It's eating me up inside. Nothing makes me happy right now. I want to sleep all day. And it's hard to go to work and actually do anything.
Everyone says it's just the stress and yes there has been some stress.
I had one of my longest employees give me 10 days notice before she quit on me. And an employee that was unhappy about the way the system is. Walked out on me a day before my other employees last day. So I am currently down 3 staff with 3 programs to run.
I met a man a year ago and in the last little but I have realized that I have wasted a year on someone who has a problem with the distance (live 4 hrs away) and refuses to consider moving. I make a large amount of money working where I am because of how long I have been here and my position. And I've looked into it, I would lose at least 30000 a year by moving. So now I need to find a way to end things and really don't want to. But if I'm wasting my time here I may as well focus my attention else where.
Which is why I am now buying a house. I was given the opportunity for some help and decided I may as well own then rent.
For me this is all a bit to much for me. Which could be why the depression is back. I don't know. I like to figure out why when there might not even be a way. The suicidal thought are back. I think about it all the time. I have seen my councilor and will go back again if I feel worse. I just don't understand why and I'm so frustrated that it makes me want to stay in bed even more.
I don't even know if any of this makes sense. I'm just in bed thinking about how I hate my life and I'm not happy and I don't know why. Thinking about life being so hard right now and I just need a break. And it never happens. Feeling like it's to much and I just don't wanna deal with it anymore. And sad. And I'm not dealing with sad very well right now.
Don't know how I'm going to spend 22 hrs at work tomorrow when I don't want to leave my bed.
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