The face of this marble statue, timeless in its careful crafting, is cracking under time and pressure.
Micro cracks with can only be found under the most careful of scrutiny may as well feel like fissures to me.
I'm falling apart. My soul is weak. Everytime the perpetual clock resets I feel like I loose an hour and it's 5 minutes to midnight.
I scream out my frustration and anger of having my life stolen from me in cryptic writings I post. Available for hundreds to decrypt but they would rather associate with this crumbling mask I wore so well.
No one wants to accept or deal with it.
I don't blame them. I wore the lie well. No one deserves to carry this weight upon their shoulders.
I want to throw it away but I can't live with who I am, who this demon turned me in to. My back is against the wall and the only reprieve I find is in my dreams. It scares me because I find any excuse to slip away in to my head. The years of cycling meds and dealing with the duality has me frail. The mask knows how to talk to people. Years of people watching taught me how to socialize. I can smile. I'm smart and funny and for you, I can be anything that you need me to be but inside, my head is screaming at me. The mask is breaking. I can't be in large groups anymore, use public transit. The voice of paranoid anxiety scream so loud in my head I'm left in a foggy state, disconnected from reality but still cognitive enough to navigate my surroundings. You all are too loud in my head. It makes me physically Ill and drains my energy completely.
Because of the long Type 2 cycles I have never been able to commit to long term goals. It took me 5 tries to get my high school at the age of 25. I don't have a license because it's impossible for me to hold down a job long enough to buy a car. I'll never own a house or afford a vacation. It hit me the hardest being the oldest of 5 and watching each sibling grow up, reach their goals and grow distant from me due to the hopeless and helpless feelings I inspire inside them. There answer is to work through it. They can't comprehend. I love them all and hold no animosity towards them.
What do you do when the past 20 years of fighting it leaves you empty? When they cannot find your combination of meds and conventional therapy is a joke next to the demon. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Is the only sane choice to let go and give up?
I can't do this anymore.
Micro cracks with can only be found under the most careful of scrutiny may as well feel like fissures to me.
I'm falling apart. My soul is weak. Everytime the perpetual clock resets I feel like I loose an hour and it's 5 minutes to midnight.
I scream out my frustration and anger of having my life stolen from me in cryptic writings I post. Available for hundreds to decrypt but they would rather associate with this crumbling mask I wore so well.
No one wants to accept or deal with it.
I don't blame them. I wore the lie well. No one deserves to carry this weight upon their shoulders.
I want to throw it away but I can't live with who I am, who this demon turned me in to. My back is against the wall and the only reprieve I find is in my dreams. It scares me because I find any excuse to slip away in to my head. The years of cycling meds and dealing with the duality has me frail. The mask knows how to talk to people. Years of people watching taught me how to socialize. I can smile. I'm smart and funny and for you, I can be anything that you need me to be but inside, my head is screaming at me. The mask is breaking. I can't be in large groups anymore, use public transit. The voice of paranoid anxiety scream so loud in my head I'm left in a foggy state, disconnected from reality but still cognitive enough to navigate my surroundings. You all are too loud in my head. It makes me physically Ill and drains my energy completely.
Because of the long Type 2 cycles I have never been able to commit to long term goals. It took me 5 tries to get my high school at the age of 25. I don't have a license because it's impossible for me to hold down a job long enough to buy a car. I'll never own a house or afford a vacation. It hit me the hardest being the oldest of 5 and watching each sibling grow up, reach their goals and grow distant from me due to the hopeless and helpless feelings I inspire inside them. There answer is to work through it. They can't comprehend. I love them all and hold no animosity towards them.
What do you do when the past 20 years of fighting it leaves you empty? When they cannot find your combination of meds and conventional therapy is a joke next to the demon. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Is the only sane choice to let go and give up?
I can't do this anymore.
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