Fading Away from myself.

[Ineverknewmyself]

The face of this marble statue, timeless in its careful crafting, is cracking under time and pressure.
Micro cracks with can only be found under the most careful of scrutiny may as well feel like fissures to me.
I'm falling apart. My soul is weak. Everytime the perpetual clock resets I feel like I loose an hour and it's 5 minutes to midnight.
I scream out my frustration and anger of having my life stolen from me in cryptic writings I post. Available for hundreds to decrypt but they would rather associate with this crumbling mask I wore so well.
No one wants to accept or deal with it.
I don't blame them. I wore the lie well. No one deserves to carry this weight upon their shoulders.

I want to throw it away but I can't live with who I am, who this demon turned me in to. My back is against the wall and the only reprieve I find is in my dreams. It scares me because I find any excuse to slip away in to my head. The years of cycling meds and dealing with the duality has me frail. The mask knows how to talk to people. Years of people watching taught me how to socialize. I can smile. I'm smart and funny and for you, I can be anything that you need me to be but inside, my head is screaming at me. The mask is breaking. I can't be in large groups anymore, use public transit. The voice of paranoid anxiety scream so loud in my head I'm left in a foggy state, disconnected from reality but still cognitive enough to navigate my surroundings. You all are too loud in my head. It makes me physically Ill and drains my energy completely.

Because of the long Type 2 cycles I have never been able to commit to long term goals. It took me 5 tries to get my high school at the age of 25. I don't have a license because it's impossible for me to hold down a job long enough to buy a car. I'll never own a house or afford a vacation. It hit me the hardest being the oldest of 5 and watching each sibling grow up, reach their goals and grow distant from me due to the hopeless and helpless feelings I inspire inside them. There answer is to work through it. They can't comprehend. I love them all and hold no animosity towards them.

What do you do when the past 20 years of fighting it leaves you empty? When they cannot find your combination of meds and conventional therapy is a joke next to the demon. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.

Is the only sane choice to let go and give up?

I can't do this anymore.

[Fighting back]

I'm sending you a PM.

I may see what you see and it's a dicey subject. Please hang in there!

[paul m]

Hello Inevernewmyself. You said "What do you do when the past 20 years of fighting it leaves you empty? " and "Is the only sane choice to let go and give up?"

I can certainly understand you saying that and how you may feel like giving up. My battle lasted much longer than 20 years(I'm not bragging, I'm merely older), but only about 10 yrs of that was a living nightmare and that seemed like forever.

I'm the oldest of six siblings and like you they all of out distanced me in a lot of ways( certainly financially and vacation wise). I'll never own a house either. I do own a vehicle, but my idea of a new car is something with less than 250,000 km on it and less than 15 yrs old. Socially, they were miles ahead of me for many yrs and perhaps they are still, I don't know, I only hear from one on a semi regular basis. Most of them also feel that I should have just worked through my problems.

I can't tell you how to get better or when it may happen, I can tell you that it may be possible. I enjoy my life these days, in fact very much so. Not every day, but most days.

I'm certainly no better or smarter than the next person and my greatest fear is that my moods will return me to hell sometime in the future. I don't think that will happen, but it is always a fear.

How did I get better? Good question, part of it was good luck I suppose. I finally found what worked for me, after literally 100's of failed efforts. I can tell you that finding a place that was supportive and that allowed me to vent out my frustrations with out judgement was a big part of my recovery. Finding the right medications, learning about CBT , personal recovery methods, diet, exercise, and personal habits were all part of the mix. However peer support was probably the biggest component that allowed my recovery to happen. It didn't make it happen, but it helped to ease the pain, allow insight and hope.

Venting out your feeling is also important, please feel free to do that here. Take Care. paul m

[uni]

Hello Ineverknewmyself. I'm glad you found the forum.

I hope you don't mind a virtual hug My heart goes out to you. I wore my own mask for many years, and it's a very lonely place to be.

I commend you on having the persistence and courage necessary to finish high school despite your illness. That is no small feat!

From the sounds of it your siblings don't have your illness, so it's not a level playing field. Because things are extra hard for you maybe the greater, if less visible, accomplishments are actually yours.

[MoMoe]

hello Inevernewmyself

Your post was from before the holiday so I am hoping you got through it ok. Spending years trying to keep on a mask for others is absolutely exhausting. I understand your pain. I don't really know what the answer is to make it go away as we all have our own journey. Felling empty and depleted from years of trying to stay strong does catch up with you. We only have so much fuel in the tank. You mentioned that you have been taking some meds, but does that mean you have a professional to talk to about these things? (psychiatrist/social worker etc). I see my Pdoc for med maintenance but honestly she is not good to talk to about certain things. Feel I have exhausted my close friends from my emotional outbursts so I found this site. I hope to be able to make more use of the support here as time goes on. I am sending you good wishes and hope your mask can crumble away to reveal your true self that is the vulnerable, authentic, self loving, joy seeking person we are truly meant to be. Blessings.