New here.. Lost, with a terrible doctor

[ignite.throw.run]

Hello everyone, I am new to these boards and am feeling quite overwhelmed with my recent diagnosis of Bipoloar disorder.. I'm at a complete loss here and have no idea where to go or who to turn to..

Long story short, I am a 31 year old male, diagnose this past summer (July 2017)d with bipolar disorder... Manic swings like crazy, however I have been in a super depressive low for going on2 months straight now.. I was prescribed Resperidone to help with maintaining level moods, which honestly worked great for about 3 weeks.. Then, it was a downward spiral.. Super aggressive behaviour, bad moods, not wanting anything to do with anyone or anything.. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.. I don't even know what "me" is supposed to feel like anymore.

I've been on several different medications including Zoloft, Seroquil, Trazadone, Hydroxyzine (sp?), etc, etc etc I could go on, but can't even remember half the meds I've taken.... I am currently taking Abilify as an alternative to the Respiridone, which is only providing me with the same, yet worse side effects than the Respiridone did.. I'm angry all the time for no reason.. My anxiety is through the bloody roof. Benzodiazapines were the only drugs that actually helped with anything, but my doctor refuses to give me any (which I have since sourced elsewhere on my own).

A brief history.. I had been abusing opiods for the good part of 15 years (you really do not want to know the amount I was taking daily, as it'd probably make your stomach turn). I have since been clean for well over a year and a half.. Conquered that addiction by myself. No help from any one, but doing research, what to expect, supplies I needed (food, water, gravol, immodium, etc, etc). Nonetheless, I haven't touch an opioid since May of 2016 (save for a few times i was in the hospital, I had an abscess removed and was given a few percocet, and my gallbladder removed where I was given Tramadol)

I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do. My doctor refuses to get past the fact I am an addict, and the given nature of benzos being addictive/habit forming, subsequently denying me a benzo to help with this increasingly aggressive anxiety.. I've taken so many SSRI's, anti-psychs, etc, that my brain feels like a bowl of scrambled eggs

I can't eat or keep anything down.. I can't sleep, yet cannot get out of bed.. My body is in a perpetual state of chronic aches and pains, and yet my doctor condescends me and refuses the one thing that I know helps with the symptoms I am facing..

Call this a rant, or what have you, but I need help.. I'm on waiting lists for a proper psychiatrist, I've been to the ER several times only to be refered to a local, what I call, "kids help phone for adults," but they're nothing more than a councellor designed to listen to speak and give light advice. They cannot provide the help I need.

I have many of my own outlets I use to try and cope.. Been playing bass/guitar for over 20 years, I meditate, use breathing techniques, use audio (ASMR) to try and relax, but everything is losing it's effect and doesn't help as good as it used to.

I hate my doctor, flat out. I was in his office one time, in tears, begging for him to help me, only to have him sit back with his arms crossed, and have the moxie to give me a life story about this, that, and the other thing. I had even offered to sign a waiver releasing him from any liability in the event I became addicted to Klonipin. I've conquered addiction before, and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I am willing to do it again.

I have a 4 year old son I need to think about, but I can't even perform normally and be there for him (also going through a seperation with my ex-wife, which doesn't make things any easier).

I've been trying to find a new doctor, but it's seemingly difficult, as every one are "currently not accepting new patients."

I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I have an idea of what I want to try medication-wise, but won't be able to bring this idea up to him till next week when I have my next appointment. I want to try an SSRI like Fluoxotine mixed with a benzodiazepine like Klonipin. Not even at a high dose. 0.5-1mg two-to-three times a day, as needed. Which given all my research and personal experience with benzos, is WELL MORE than reasonable..

I need out of this low, and nothing is helping... I feel like I could go on, and on, but I'm just so lost.. I'm in pain, but feel nothing, if that makes sense..

I need help..

PS. there's a lot more to this story, but I'm just trying to get the basics out, so feel free to PM for any more details.

[paul m]

Hello Ignite.throw.run and welcome to the forums. First congrats on beating an addiction. That must have been tough. You are not ranting, you are frustrated, and there is a big difference. Even if you were ranting, and I do that sometimes, that's part of what the forum is for. You've asked a lot of questions, which is good, because that is how we learn. I have no medical training and I'm not a mental health professional in any way, but do have a lot of experience. It would not be right if I gave you direct advice, but I can tell what I've done that has helped or people that I know have done. Nor is anything I say a criticism of your past or your wish to take Klonpin and an SSRI together. Both my son and I have the same type of bipolar , yet he gets by on a benzodiazipine and wellbutrin, while that combo was poison for me.

Like you, I've been turned down for benzodiazpines for no good reason other than the fact that I have bipolar and currently I'm fighting with a doctor or a narcotic pain prescription and the only reason I can see why they are turning me down is because I have bipolar.I no history of substance abuse and I'm 63 so there is no reason to deny it, so I understand your frustrations.

I have bipolar type one rapid cycling. When I was having trouble finding good doctor and the right meds I often found myself in rages. I later found out that the rages were caused by a condition called "mixed states". There is nothing fancy about mixed states, they are when a person has both manic and depressive symptoms at the same time(Like your example of can't sleep , but can't get out of bed). This would result in my mind not knowing whether to be up or down , be confused as all heck and left me irritable and prone to sudden rages. Well mixed states may sound simple, most docs that I've been too are more than a little fuzzy about them and all too often don't prescribe the right stuff. The right meds are difficult to figure out and I had to do a lot of research on my own to become stable again.

Antidepressants(A/D's) are pure poison for me and I will be manic, in a mixed state or rapid cycling within 60 days of starting an A/D no matter what kind or class. About 30% of people with bipolar have the same problems with A/D's. I truly hate taking anti psychotic medication, but that plus some mood stabilizers were what eventually got me stable enough to get better. Like you , rispiridone had little effect on me. The first time I tried seroquel it had little effect on me , other than to leave me in mixed states, as doctor was also prescribing an A/D and that was like trying to put out a fire by pouring gas on it.

Eventually, yrs down the road, Seroquel, along with other meds, is what worked to stabilize me. I was prescribed very large doses and I didn't have any life for about 6mths, which was Hell, but not as bad as the Hell I had living for yrs. At the end of 6mths I was able to slowly wean off of seroquel to the point where I no longer take it anymore. Even then it took a long time to get better.

I know that so far my advice has been no better or even worse than your local crisis/distress line, but I do understand your frustration. A couple of things, you might try to get a new shrink. I know they all say that they have waiting lists, but the only way to actually verify that is to call the shrink's secretary and ask him/her the following. 1) do you know when the doc might be taking new patients, 2) if your current GP gives you a referral will the doc take you on short notice if he/she has a cancellation. You can even ask your GP's secretary if they know of anyone taking referrals. My GP put me off with the your on waiting lists too, but I just happened to ask his secretary and she knew of a new shrink in the area that my GP hadn't heard of. (I didn't have a shrink at the time,)

While I haven't given you good answers perhaps I've given you some hope. I was you 20 yrs ago and I could not see a way out. I too had small children, a little older, but still young and I put them through heck but we've been able to resolve things, kids are pretty resilient if are honest with them and it sure was tough for me to be honest with them.

Continue to ask questions here, there are no dumb questions or use the forum to vent.. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[Fighting back]

Hi.

I am so sorry, but I have a little experience with a similar scenario. Not so much in my own diagnosis, but with my son. Many of the medications you mention are familiar as well as the experience of self medication.

Please, don't do it!

For the sake of your loved ones and the ones who love you, do what it takes to stay the course. There are good doctors and there are bad, but please don't make that judgement on whether they do as you wish. Addictions take a terrible price and I have seen first hand how the addict will be completely blind to the mayhem such behaviour brings.

None of this makes you a bad person. I applaud that you can come here and state your case and I wish I could offer a sympathetic ear, but I cannot. Please understand! My advice is not likely something you wanted or expected to hear. My experience has ended as well as I could expect, but I lived in fear of the consequences for a few years. One individual within our family was suffering, but the effect on all of us was direct and debilitating.

And I wish you well. Thanks for listening.

[Jafar the wizard]

Wow .. only reading your story is a hard experience for me .. I'm sorry you had to go through all of this ... and I can't really give you advice .. you don't need advices .. you just need HELP .. there's a big difference between the two ..

..

however .. I think finding a good psychiatrist is not impossible .. but this is something you can't do yourself .. you're already having a problem with finding the right prescription .. and .. your psychiatrist is refusing to try another one .. and as you said : you feel trapped & don't know what to do .. " ..

..

You need someone who can help you with this .. if you don't have a friend or a family member who can help you .. then you need someone like a social worker .. who can help you find a doctor ..

..

unfortunately I don't know which part of Ontario you reside in .. the places I know who can offer help might not be within your area ..

..

Be specific when you ask for help .. tell them I don't need advice .. I need a PSYCHIATRIST .. you know what you need but can't find it ..

..

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums ignite.throw.run. Thank you for sharing some of your story with us.

As I read your post it struck me that you are a very resilient person. I understand your frustration in trying to get the help you need and want. ( I’ll spare you my health care rant).

It took many years, of many ‘helpers,’ many different drug combinations, and self awareness to be well again. I still have mood swings but they are not as high or as low or as often

Like Paul, antidepressants are like poison for me. Mania is pretty much a guarantee. I also don’t do well with benzodiazepines. Nomatter which one or how low the dose is, I become a complete zombie, totally stoned.

I did eventually get a psychiatrist that I could collaborate with. I strongly believe we need to be involved in decisions made about treatment.

I also learnt to recognize my triggers and the non drug things in combination with meds that helped to keep me stable.

I hate hospitals and especially ER but I have had to go there a few times in the early years. One good thing that did come out of it was getting hooked up with a new psychiatrist.

As hard as it is, especially when you’’r’re not feeling well, don’’t give up on advocating for yourself.

[Chiquita]

Hey I am so sorry that you are struggling at the moment. I too am 31 and was diagnosed with a mood disorder nos. I was prescribed abilify and thankfully don’t suffer from any side affects. I agree with you that benzos seem to be the only thing that work or atleast feel like they are working. With abilify I don’t feel the calmness that I feel when taking clonazepam. I am currently taking the lowest dose of Clonazepam and my doctor wants to ween me off of them which sort of makes me a little panicky. I don’t know what to say but I do know that if you are unhappy with your doctor or psychiatrist to definitely try to find a new one. I can’t stress that enough. Life is hard sometimes and it’s even harder when we suffer from a mental illness. My mania has gotten me into situations that if I wasn’t stressed out and on medication and had support as they all go hand in hand I probably wouldn’t of made those mistakes. All I can say is that life gets better I know it doesn’t feel like it right now but it does gradually. I use to feel like if my friends and family didn’t like me when I was manic that they just weren’t accepting me. Anyway this is my first post on here and I am so happy and thankful we have this kind of support out here. I wish you all the best!

[paul m]

Hello Chiquita and welcome. Thx for taking part and thx for sharing.. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions, post articles to and/or use the forums to vent out frustrations(and/or to share as well). Take Care. paul m

P.S. It highly ticks me off too when a doc gets bent out of shape about a benzo without any real reason.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forum Chiquita.

[Claireredfil]

Oh my! Tell me about it! One of the main reasons I decided to study and become a dental assistant was my terrible experience at a dental office as a kid. I remember having to pull a tooth out and falling into the hands of a very inconsiderate doctor who thought it was a good idea to go ahead and pull it without anesthesia. It really shocked me as a kid. It was a very painful and big tooth from the back. Since then, I decided to read more about becoming a great doctor on exploremedicalcareers.com and the great advice they offer for a career in the field.

[Complex-PTSD_Girl]

Hello everyone, I am new to these boards and am feeling quite overwhelmed with my recent diagnosis of Bipoloar disorder.. I'm at a complete loss here and have no idea where to go or who to turn to..

Long story short, I am a 31 year old male, diagnose this past summer (July 2017)d with bipolar disorder... Manic swings like crazy, however I have been in a super depressive low for going on2 months straight now.. I was prescribed Resperidone to help with maintaining level moods, which honestly worked great for about 3 weeks.. Then, it was a downward spiral.. Super aggressive behaviour, bad moods, not wanting anything to do with anyone or anything.. I feel like an empty shell of a person I used to be.. I don't even know what "me" is supposed to feel like anymore.

I've been on several different medications including Zoloft, Seroquil, Trazadone, Hydroxyzine (sp?), etc, etc etc I could go on, but can't even remember half the meds I've taken.... I am currently taking Abilify as an alternative to the Respiridone, which is only providing me with the same, yet worse side effects than the Respiridone did.. I'm angry all the time for no reason.. My anxiety is through the bloody roof. Benzodiazapines were the only drugs that actually helped with anything, but my doctor refuses to give me any (which I have since sourced elsewhere on my own).

A brief history.. I had been abusing opiods for the good part of 15 years (you really do not want to know the amount I was taking daily, as it'd probably make your stomach turn). I have since been clean for well over a year and a half.. Conquered that addiction by myself. No help from any one, but doing research, what to expect, supplies I needed (food, water, gravol, immodium, etc, etc). Nonetheless, I haven't touch an opioid since May of 2016 (save for a few times i was in the hospital, I had an abscess removed and was given a few percocet, and my gallbladder removed where I was given Tramadol)

I'm at a point now where I don't know what to do. My doctor refuses to get past the fact I am an addict, and the given nature of benzos being addictive/habit forming, subsequently denying me a benzo to help with this increasingly aggressive anxiety.. I've taken so many SSRI's, anti-psychs, etc, that my brain feels like a bowl of scrambled eggs

I can't eat or keep anything down.. I can't sleep, yet cannot get out of bed.. My body is in a perpetual state of chronic aches and pains, and yet my doctor condescends me and refuses the one thing that I know helps with the symptoms I am facing..

Call this a rant, or what have you, but I need help.. I'm on waiting lists for a proper psychiatrist, I've been to the ER several times only to be refered to a local, what I call, "kids help phone for adults," but they're nothing more than a councellor designed to listen to speak and give light advice. They cannot provide the help I need.

I have many of my own outlets I use to try and cope.. Been playing bass/guitar for over 20 years, I meditate, use breathing techniques, use audio (ASMR) to try and relax, but everything is losing it's effect and doesn't help as good as it used to.

I hate my doctor, flat out. I was in his office one time, in tears, begging for him to help me, only to have him sit back with his arms crossed, and have the moxie to give me a life story about this, that, and the other thing. I had even offered to sign a waiver releasing him from any liability in the event I became addicted to Klonipin. I've conquered addiction before, and for the sake of what's left of my sanity, I am willing to do it again.

I have a 4 year old son I need to think about, but I can't even perform normally and be there for him (also going through a seperation with my ex-wife, which doesn't make things any easier).

I've been trying to find a new doctor, but it's seemingly difficult, as every one are "currently not accepting new patients."

I feel trapped and don't know what to do. I have an idea of what I want to try medication-wise, but won't be able to bring this idea up to him till next week when I have my next appointment. I want to try an SSRI like Fluoxotine mixed with a benzodiazepine like Klonipin. Not even at a high dose. 0.5-1mg two-to-three times a day, as needed. Which given all my research and personal experience with benzos, is WELL MORE than reasonable..

I need out of this low, and nothing is helping... I feel like I could go on, and on, but I'm just so lost.. I'm in pain, but feel nothing, if that makes sense..

I need help..

PS. there's a lot more to this story, but I'm just trying to get the basics out, so feel free to PM for any more details.

You might need to see a doctor in addictions who can communicate with your psychiatrist. I was addicted to Halcion. You're right, psychiatrists don't often understand addictions.