Hello Group. This is my first ever post in a discussion forum. And please accept my apology for the long rambling post, before you get to it.
A little about Me. I'm 55 and have been suffering from bi polar disorder all of my life. However the depression side of the disorder is the most prevalent. That is not to say the mania never manifests because it does and when it does it ends up costing me way to much.
In just the last three months I have gone from 'kill me now depression' to 'break my bank manic' and back again. I truly feel like I'm going totally mad. I'm not aware of any ancestors that suffered from anything like this. But then again I was never told much about anything either. Perhaps I come from a long line of yo yo's.
I don't have any access to mental health professionals in the small town I live in. And have just been dismissed from my Doctor's practice. I said one bad word and He kicked me out. He knew I was suffering but that didn't seem to matter. In the last 8 or 9 months I tried to access my local Mental Health Unit, on two separate occasions, to no avail. Both times they took me in and did a preliminary interview. Spent an hour answering a plethora of questions and watching my interviewer take notes. Once she was done she told me that I had to make an appointment for 3 weeks from that day to see a mental health social worker. So I did that. 3 weeks later I went in for the appointment only to be placed back in the same room I had been taken to before and then a different person came in a started the exact same preliminary interview that I had already done. When I told the woman that I had already done this and that I was there to see a social worker, Her response was, "Well I don't have any record of that. And you have to do it again." So I did. And once again when she was finished She told me that there was nothing they could do for me. When I mentioned that I had deep seeded anger issues She said they don't deal with that there that I had to go to some other ministry office (that also does not deal with it, btw). I'm pretty sure that this particular mental health unit deals with drug addicts only, which I am not one.
3 months ago I asked my doc for a referral to a psychiatrist (have to go to a neighbouring city to do that), which He did do. However 2 weeks after He sent the referral, I got a call from the local mental health unit, only to be told that the Doctor I had been referred to does not see patients that are not currently clients of a mental health unit. Can any one see my dilemma here?
So now I have to figure out my own cure. 30 years ago while I was hospitalized for depression we did a lot of CBT and that worked quite well actually, but it didn't last. Since I have no family and only a few of people that I call friends but see rarely as I tend to recluse and I know that they don't want to hear about my problems. A couple of them are in the "Well if you would just quit feeling sorry for yourself." camp. So basically I have no one to talk to in person. I thought writing a blog would be a good way to vent. You know write out the issues and then click send. It's kinda like the letters we had to write and then burn as to help us to let things go (which I am totally unable to do). I will elaborate on that later.
What I am hoping to accomplish here is to get all the s**t out. But a lifetime without love has made me a not so nice person (both to myself and others), with a boat load of issues. And I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I'm sure there were times when I was happy but it never lasted long. I just want to tell my story, all of it. Even if no one reads it. That will take literally hundreds of posts to accomplish. Because I don't want to overwhelm folks the way I am doing right now.
I want to thank you for allowing me to join your group and I hope I don't drive you all away, the way I do with most other people.
A little about Me. I'm 55 and have been suffering from bi polar disorder all of my life. However the depression side of the disorder is the most prevalent. That is not to say the mania never manifests because it does and when it does it ends up costing me way to much.
In just the last three months I have gone from 'kill me now depression' to 'break my bank manic' and back again. I truly feel like I'm going totally mad. I'm not aware of any ancestors that suffered from anything like this. But then again I was never told much about anything either. Perhaps I come from a long line of yo yo's.
I don't have any access to mental health professionals in the small town I live in. And have just been dismissed from my Doctor's practice. I said one bad word and He kicked me out. He knew I was suffering but that didn't seem to matter. In the last 8 or 9 months I tried to access my local Mental Health Unit, on two separate occasions, to no avail. Both times they took me in and did a preliminary interview. Spent an hour answering a plethora of questions and watching my interviewer take notes. Once she was done she told me that I had to make an appointment for 3 weeks from that day to see a mental health social worker. So I did that. 3 weeks later I went in for the appointment only to be placed back in the same room I had been taken to before and then a different person came in a started the exact same preliminary interview that I had already done. When I told the woman that I had already done this and that I was there to see a social worker, Her response was, "Well I don't have any record of that. And you have to do it again." So I did. And once again when she was finished She told me that there was nothing they could do for me. When I mentioned that I had deep seeded anger issues She said they don't deal with that there that I had to go to some other ministry office (that also does not deal with it, btw). I'm pretty sure that this particular mental health unit deals with drug addicts only, which I am not one.
3 months ago I asked my doc for a referral to a psychiatrist (have to go to a neighbouring city to do that), which He did do. However 2 weeks after He sent the referral, I got a call from the local mental health unit, only to be told that the Doctor I had been referred to does not see patients that are not currently clients of a mental health unit. Can any one see my dilemma here?
So now I have to figure out my own cure. 30 years ago while I was hospitalized for depression we did a lot of CBT and that worked quite well actually, but it didn't last. Since I have no family and only a few of people that I call friends but see rarely as I tend to recluse and I know that they don't want to hear about my problems. A couple of them are in the "Well if you would just quit feeling sorry for yourself." camp. So basically I have no one to talk to in person. I thought writing a blog would be a good way to vent. You know write out the issues and then click send. It's kinda like the letters we had to write and then burn as to help us to let things go (which I am totally unable to do). I will elaborate on that later.
What I am hoping to accomplish here is to get all the s**t out. But a lifetime without love has made me a not so nice person (both to myself and others), with a boat load of issues. And I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I'm sure there were times when I was happy but it never lasted long. I just want to tell my story, all of it. Even if no one reads it. That will take literally hundreds of posts to accomplish. Because I don't want to overwhelm folks the way I am doing right now.
I want to thank you for allowing me to join your group and I hope I don't drive you all away, the way I do with most other people.
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