I need a place to purge.

[Raving Ranter]

Hello Group. This is my first ever post in a discussion forum. And please accept my apology for the long rambling post, before you get to it.

A little about Me. I'm 55 and have been suffering from bi polar disorder all of my life. However the depression side of the disorder is the most prevalent. That is not to say the mania never manifests because it does and when it does it ends up costing me way to much.

In just the last three months I have gone from 'kill me now depression' to 'break my bank manic' and back again. I truly feel like I'm going totally mad. I'm not aware of any ancestors that suffered from anything like this. But then again I was never told much about anything either. Perhaps I come from a long line of yo yo's.

I don't have any access to mental health professionals in the small town I live in. And have just been dismissed from my Doctor's practice. I said one bad word and He kicked me out. He knew I was suffering but that didn't seem to matter. In the last 8 or 9 months I tried to access my local Mental Health Unit, on two separate occasions, to no avail. Both times they took me in and did a preliminary interview. Spent an hour answering a plethora of questions and watching my interviewer take notes. Once she was done she told me that I had to make an appointment for 3 weeks from that day to see a mental health social worker. So I did that. 3 weeks later I went in for the appointment only to be placed back in the same room I had been taken to before and then a different person came in a started the exact same preliminary interview that I had already done. When I told the woman that I had already done this and that I was there to see a social worker, Her response was, "Well I don't have any record of that. And you have to do it again." So I did. And once again when she was finished She told me that there was nothing they could do for me. When I mentioned that I had deep seeded anger issues She said they don't deal with that there that I had to go to some other ministry office (that also does not deal with it, btw). I'm pretty sure that this particular mental health unit deals with drug addicts only, which I am not one.

3 months ago I asked my doc for a referral to a psychiatrist (have to go to a neighbouring city to do that), which He did do. However 2 weeks after He sent the referral, I got a call from the local mental health unit, only to be told that the Doctor I had been referred to does not see patients that are not currently clients of a mental health unit. Can any one see my dilemma here?

So now I have to figure out my own cure. 30 years ago while I was hospitalized for depression we did a lot of CBT and that worked quite well actually, but it didn't last. Since I have no family and only a few of people that I call friends but see rarely as I tend to recluse and I know that they don't want to hear about my problems. A couple of them are in the "Well if you would just quit feeling sorry for yourself." camp. So basically I have no one to talk to in person. I thought writing a blog would be a good way to vent. You know write out the issues and then click send. It's kinda like the letters we had to write and then burn as to help us to let things go (which I am totally unable to do). I will elaborate on that later.

What I am hoping to accomplish here is to get all the s**t out. But a lifetime without love has made me a not so nice person (both to myself and others), with a boat load of issues. And I can't even remember the last time I was truly happy. I'm sure there were times when I was happy but it never lasted long. I just want to tell my story, all of it. Even if no one reads it. That will take literally hundreds of posts to accomplish. Because I don't want to overwhelm folks the way I am doing right now.

I want to thank you for allowing me to join your group and I hope I don't drive you all away, the way I do with most other people.

[AJ]

Hi Raving Ranter and welcome to the forum. It sounds like you have been truly failed by the health care system. Is there any way you can see a different family doctor (maybe in a neighbouring town), and start this process again? I know you've put a great deal of effort into getting help already, but it would be worth it if you got the help you need. It's terrible that we have to fight so hard, especially when we feel like crap already. I so understand how frustrating it can be.

[Raving Ranter]

I have been trying to get in to see a psychiatrist. I wanted to find out the root cause of my issues. Not just mask the symptoms. I have been searching and searching, Google loves me. However on Sunday (3 days ago), I FOUND it !!! Finally I FOUND it. It is a profound lack of Oxytocin in your bloodstream. Oxytocin is a hormone that the body produces whenever it's in direct contact with another human body. It's also known as the love hormone. For it's this hormone that give you the euphoric feeling of being loved. Without it you shrivel up and start to exhibit the following symptoms;

Are you living alone and lonely? Do you feel ill? Do you suffer from insomnia, anxiety or depression? Do you isolate yourself and push other people away? Do you ever act uncontrollably irrational? Do you ever self-mutilate? Do you ever get aggressive or angry at the world? Do you feel unloved? Do you feel like you’re going mad? Did you grow up in a home where there was very little to no physical contact with your parents, siblings or other caregivers? When was the last time you had non-***ual physical contact with another human being (for example a big long hug or cuddling on a couch or spooning on a bed)?


The following is an excerpt from one of the articles I have found;

Touch, or the lack of it, affects us all. Healthy touch slows our heart rates and reduces anxiety. It makes us feel safe and nurtured. A lack of touch, though, can make us feel very lonely, depressed, ill and even aggressive and angry at the world.

'Skin hunger'

There is a wonderfully descriptive term for touch deprivation, called “skin hunger” - your skin literally hungers for the touch of another human being, to feel connected, accepted and whole. Yes, there is such a thing as inappropriate touching and we should protect ourselves and our children from that, but when last have you given your friend, parent or child a good, generous hug? When last have you touched someone, who is in pain, to show your compassion and care?

* Please note; you do not have to be naked for this to work. A big cuddle with clothes on works just as well.

I am confident that it may not relieve all of my depression problems, but I'll bet dollars to donuts, it will make a huge difference in how I am able to manage it in the future. Now I have a new search to complete. Finding respectful platonic cuddle buddies to meet up with a couple of times a week. As it has been documented that the body starts to stress in very negative ways in less than 7 day without any contact. Imagine how I am feeling right now after 7 YEARS without feeling the touch of another. I am the most negative miserable b**chy thing that ever walked the face of the planet. At least now I know why. Chemical drugs not required, just another human being.

This may be inappropriate for here but I just thought that other suffering from isolation might be able to find some relief from it.

[Kaight]

Welcome Raving Ranter,

Very interesting topic. I certainly agree that touch is important. Knowing that someone cares enough about me that they are will to hug me is very comforting.

Hugs/ touch is a topic I often consider. I have personal space issues... and really go out of my way not to touch people. It is not that I don't want a hug, it is just that I need no know that the other person really is comforted, or at least comfortable with my touch before I hug them.(And I am too shy to ask... so no hugging is happening!!) This mindset has left me often craving hugs, but with no way of getting one. Maybe it is more of a self confidence thing in my case.

Seven years without touch is a very long time. I hope that you will find a way to increase touch in your life.

Referring back to your first post, I am very sorry to hear that you are being given the run around. It always boggles my mind how the health care system can fail so many people in clear need of help. I hope that you find the strength to try again with a new doctor and that you find the help that you need.

I look forward to hearing more about you,
Take care,
Kaight

[Raving Ranter]

Once I was old enough to walk I was then left alone. The only touching after that was when I became ***ually active at age 18. Then I was hell bent on making up for lost time. I was one of those people that truly believed that *** was love. Because the Oxytocin released into my blood stream made me feel euphoric. Not the ***ual release. So I then became rather sleasy. It got to the point I would sleep with almost anyone just to feel loved. Or what I thought was love. It was not.

My depression episodes reduced in numbers during the years between age 18 and 47. But during that time if I ever went more than a month without seeking out a partner I would become suicidally depressed. When people asked me why I was so depressed of course I couldn't tell them. I didn't know. But I know now.

The last 7 years have been like a death sentence that never ends. I have also had other outside stressors during these years that have compounded the problem. The last three months have brought me to the edge. Thank goodness I spent a full week searching for anything that would fit. When I found this it was "WOW, the fractured pieces of my life finally all fell into place." It is truly a revelation.

I know there are Professional Cuddlers out there but as I am on a fixed low income that goes to my landlord and utility companies. I cannot afford to access these Pros. I am going to start a local Facebook group for people like me and maybe between us we will be able to sooth each other somewhat. If I can find anyone else willing to try it, that is.

Kaight, I am the same way about hugging people. I never liked it when someone attempted to hug me. And I never ever attempted to hug any one else either. That was a learned response from my family. We did not touch each other ever, none of us, 2 parents, 2 siblings and me. This also includes all extended family as well. It was and still is a personal space issue for me. But I now have to decide what is more important, maintaining my personal space and continue to suffer or let others in and get happy. Or at least less sad. All I can say to you is go for it, reach out and hug someone. Feel the fear and do it anyway.

[Raving Ranter]

Well I've been sitting here for hours, my mind is racing and it won't stop. I can see a very sleepless night ahead. Not that that is anything new, as it is not.

What is new is this wonderful Oxytocin revelation of mine. I know for certain that this cuddle therapy would work wonders for me. It won't cure me but it would allow me to be a civilized human being again. It might even allow me to have some joy in my life again. I am so so tired of being perpetually miserable, angry and raging 24/7. And so is everyone that ever comes into contact with me. That is why I have isolated myself. I see the, "oh crap here she comes", look in peoples eyes when they see me coming. They seriously do this, it's not my imagination. This is not living, this is pure hell.

After these hours of thinking I have come to the realization that it's never going to happen. I just plain can't afford to pay around $175 to travel 3.5 hrs one way for a one hour cuddle session. I would have to do that at least once a week for it to be effective. All day today I have been trying to find out how to find someone local to cuddle with. Ya that's not going to happen. At least not in the town I live in. I don't dare put an ad on the local FB buy & sell. There are already to many folks in town that think I'm a demented lunatic as it is. If I put an ad in I'll get nothing but trolls. And I'm not about to approach a stranger on the street and ask him or her to go cuddle with me for an hour. That would be ludicrous. Certifiable even.

I can't stand the feel of my skin, from the inside. I just want to peel it off, get it away from me. I can't stop crying. I can't stand having food in my mouth. (that one is okay I could use to lose about 100 lbs anyway). I wish they would legalize euthanasia, a humane way to treat an already dead human. Ya that's right I am already dead, my heart just hasn't got the memo to stop yet. It will soon though. I have to strengthen my willpower I've heard some folks are able to will themselves to death.

Sorry for being such a Debbie Downer but this is my horror. And I was certain I would recover this time. Not so certain anymore.