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Textbook Bi Polar Episode Experienced Here

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    Textbook Bi Polar Episode Experienced Here

    Hi everyone I am new and this is my first share. I get comfort reading what you guys go through.
    Here's an episode I had about a week ago that lasted 3 days.

    I quit smoking October 31/18 to save money and bought a vape to further wean me off. It also seemed to be a much cheaper alternative (I had decided this even though I had no experience with vaping and had no idea what it would cost me monthly...but I make these stupid judgements all the time.
    Forward to the end of January. I get my ODSP cheque at the end of the month which is when I buy my vape juices and replacement cotton coils.
    Now, I think I vape too much because I was always running out of juice like 4-5 days before my cheque. So this month, I decided to buy MORE than I think I need so that I didn't have that panic at the end of the month.
    I got manic and bought about $240 worth of vaping supplies. Then when it all came crashing down and I had a 3-day panic attack/depression because I had waaay overspent and now how was I going to make it through to the end of the month for food and such. (I also have a dependent child that is on my cheque) So I also felt like a horrible person for basically going on a vape shopping spree when my son relies on my cheque also.
    I had three days of obsessing on what a stupid, horrible person I am, and why do I keep wasting money with these manic episodes, and I am letting my son down and being selfish. (And BTW, you can't return vaping liquids or cotton coils for safety reasons).
    So my mania quickly turned into a depression where I beat myself up and I can't even sleep because I keep thinking about what I did and how stupid and greedy I am and why can I not stop myself when making a manic purchase. And I take 400mg of Seroquel/quetiapine before bed, which usually knocks me out for the night, but I was SO upset about this whole episode, and obsessing SO hard on it, not even the Seroquel put me down.
    And BTW, I have about 11/2 months worth of vape juice where I hate 3/4 of the flavours also. But THAT IS MY PUNISHMENT!

    I realize that this is a textbook Bi-Polar episode, but it still has real life, harsh consequences. And most of us don't have a guardian angel in our lives to help us out when we do some stupid Bi-Polar stuff.

    Anyway, I have finally come to peace with what I did after about a week and have tried to forgive myself. So I slowly came to be able to sleep again.

    Just wanted to share the Bi-Polar mess that I got myself into, and hopefully, you guys can relate.
    Last edited by Freakout Fabienne; February 7th, 2019, 11:45 AM.

    #2
    I hope people can see this because I don't seem to be in the Bi-Polar feed.

    Comment


      #3
      Welcome to the forum Freakout Fabienne. You are indeed posting in the Bipolar section of the forum.

      When I had manic episodes I used to give my money away. Fortunately I didn't give more than my bank account could handle. It was however beyond my normal generosity.
      AJ

      Humans punish themselves endlessly
      for not being what they believe they should be.
      -Don Miguel Ruiz-

      Comment


        #4
        Thanks so much for welcoming me AJ! I would have gotten back to you sooner but it took me time to figure out how to respond DUH!
        That's horrible that people would take your money like that. Or were they donations to organizations?
        If it was people, they should know better, but an alarming amount of people don't have a conscience when it comes to money.
        If I ever see you doing that on here, now I know to stop you!

        Comment


          #5
          They were people I knew from work and friends outside of work.

          Yes please do stop me!

          If you have any questions about using the site let me know. Sometimes it just takes a bit of time poking around on the website.
          AJ

          Humans punish themselves endlessly
          for not being what they believe they should be.
          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

          Comment


            #6
            Hello and welcome Freakout Fabienne. I've blown huge amounts of money when I have been manic. Sometimes I ran up huge overdrafts too. Things got so bad that I had to take my name off of my wife's and I's bank account. I also had to give her my charge cards to hold. I usually felt terrible about all of the financial problems that I caused. Of course it really wasn't my fault it was the fault of the illness that I had (bipolar).

            Actually I'm quite good with money when I'm not manic, but that was little consolation whenever I blew the bank acct on something stupid or something that just wasn't needed or out of my price range. Fortunately I haven't been that manic in a while. Take Care. paul m
            "Alone we can do so little;
            Together we can do so much"
            Helen Keller

            Comment


              #7
              Thanks so much for welcoming me paul m !
              I can totally relate to your over purchasing issue as you can see I'm glad your wife was able to take over the finances. I imagine that is a huge help, even though you may resent it when you want to make a manic purchase and you just KNOW that you guys won't miss that $1,200 LOL!
              I don't understand why my math goes out the window when I'm manic, and also suddenly I AM POSITIVE that 2 people can eat for a month off of $200 pfft!
              If I was only putting myself in a position where I have to eat tuna casserole and drink tap water for a month, I don't think my crashes would be so harsh. But when I realize I have done this to my child also...that's what makes the anxiety and self-hatred so bad.

              Thanks for sharing with me paul. It is comforting knowing that I am not the only one who's Bi-Polar expresses itself financially



              Comment


                #8
                Hi AJ! I hope you get notified that I am messaging you here. If you aren't, please let me know how to message properly and directly. I'm guessing this is a 'message board format' and I'm not used to this format. If I don't hear from you I will assume that I am doing it all wrong as my favourite thing to do is tell myself I'm an idiot lol.
                I also wanted to tell you that your quote resonates with me.

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hello Freakout Fabienne. My wife taking over the bank accts etc was a major decision which didn't sit well with me for a while. I was sure I could handle everything better the next time (of course I couldn't) . Their were some large arguments , but it was one of the terms my wife gave me for her staying with me. She was tired of not knowing if she could afford to pay the rent or to feed our two kids. I bear no anger at her know, but at the time!!!! Take Care. paul m
                  "Alone we can do so little;
                  Together we can do so much"
                  Helen Keller

                  Comment


                    #10
                    Hi Freakout Fabienne. Yes I am reading your replies on the forum. (Just for your information, there is also a way to private message forum users if you both have that feature turned on in your settings.)

                    Don't be shy about asking for help with the forum if you need it, but it looks like you're figuring it out OK.
                    AJ

                    Humans punish themselves endlessly
                    for not being what they believe they should be.
                    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                    Comment


                      #11
                      I can COMPLETELY understand how you felt when your wife took over the finances...that would be infuriating, especially in a manic episode, plus, your a man so it adds the whole dimension of your wife taking agency over your proper husband role of being the head of the household.
                      And please know that I am not saying that in some demeaning feminist way. I believe that men and women have traditionally defined family roles. Roles that go back for thousands of years. And just because some women have decided not to co-operate with human instinct since the '60s, doesn't mean that all goes away. So I feel for you having your wife take over that role. Harsh. And I can imagine the arguments.
                      I am a single mom because I was raised by a single mom (one of those feminist ball breakers I described above, from the '60s). I had my son at 16 and didn't understand the whole concept of finding a good man first because doing it alone is really, really tough. But I can thank my mom for indoctrinating me by buying me t-shirts when I was 8 that said: "anything boys can do, girls can do better".
                      Anyway' I just wanted you to know where I am coming from when I am reading your trials and tribulations that you have gone through with your wife regarding money. To me, I see that it wasn't JUST about the money. It was about husband/wife roles also which makes it worse. And I feel for you as a man.
                      As for me, I would love to have someone in my life that could take control of the finances, and save me from myself. I wish disability offered a service like that! I know they offer it in Toronto for people on General Welfare. But disability is provincial and welfare is municipal. 2 different animals right?

                      Do you take any meds for your Bi-polar? If I am over-reaching just ignore that question. Along with being bi-polar, I have boundary issues and have no sense of when I am being inappropriate.

                      I have been on methadone for 16 years. In the early 2000's I found myself a boyfriend that was a heroin addict. But he was a functioning addict, so I had no idea about the heroin until he was holding it in front of me asking if I wanted to try it....and having no boundaries, of course, I did. And FYI, heroin is the perfect drug for anyone with anxiety, depression, or basically ANY hard-to-deal-with feelings because it numbs you emotionally and nothing matters anymore. It's a great escape from icky emotions. So I quickly got addicted.
                      Now I have been on methadone forever because it is also morphine. Even though you don't get a high enough dose to get high, you are still physically addicted. But it turns down the volume on your emotions just a bit, which is better than nothing.
                      I am also on Klonopin/clonazepam which is a benzo. Again, it further turns down the volume on emotions. I have been on this for 12 years.
                      Lastly, I am on an antipsychotic, Seroquel. Seroquel is great for sleeping (unless you are going through a SERIOUS anxiety bout). As you probably know, we bipolars have very noisy thoughts and feelings that refuse to shut down when you want to go to sleep. If the noise volume is at it's usual, Seroquel will shut that up and knock you out. It reminds me of whatever drug that is they inject people with, in movies, in a psych setting when the person is freaking out.
                      So I guess you can say that I am pretty medicated. I can imagine that if I wasn't, I would be having minor episodes on an almost daily basis, but this way, only the major bi-polar episodes breakthrough because I have made myself about 75% numb.

                      I just wanted to share with you because you were kind enough to reach out to me and show me some friendship. I appreciate that more than you know because I don't have people in my life that I can talk to about this stuff. My mom believes in basically 'walking it off' type thing. She likes to think she is some kind of emotionally tough character. I can't go to her with anything. My son is a young man, and although he has had experience dealing with me hysterically crying because I bought myself something stupid, or got triggered somehow...he's too young to know how to be there for another person. And I am not capable of fostering friendships, I just don't have those skills. So, again, thank you for reaching out! I promise that I won't send you MEGA messages like this all the time, I just wanted to introduce myself better. I hope I didn't scare you away with my babble LOL!

                      How old are your kids? Are they aware of your bipolar? Do you feel like it has affected them? How long do your manic episodes usually last? Are you a fast cycler or a slow one? Is your wife adept at dealing with this stuff or does she get scared or turn off and just not deal with it?

                      I hope you don't find me too intrusive and we can be friends If not, I completely understand that I am reaching out to someone as fragile as myself and that I may be asking for too much. If so, I completely understand.

                      I hope all is well with you Paul (sorry I didn't write your name as you do, as I imagine the fact that you use no capitals may be significant to what you are wanting to convey). I hope that things have been smooth for you.

                      Sorry for the novel LOL!

                      Comment


                        #12
                        Ok! Good! You are getting notified of my messages to you.
                        So, I've got that down, now I will checkout settings and see what they are set at.
                        I don't use private message too often as I am hoping that my communication with someone helps someone else. As you can see with my message to paul m. I am a long-winded treasure trove of information and moments of fallible humanness tee hee.
                        I would harass you and overshare to you, trying to make friends with you, but you are an Admin and I'm sure you are quite busy! So thanks again for taking your time out to give me guidance on using this format.
                        Have a good day and keep your money in your wallet today mister!

                        Comment


                          #13
                          LOL. I do take care of forum 'housekeeping', but am quite happy to participate in forum discussions too. I appreciate the friendship and support I've received over the years on this forum.

                          Yes I will keep my money in my wallet.
                          AJ

                          Humans punish themselves endlessly
                          for not being what they believe they should be.
                          -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                          Comment


                            #14
                            @AJ 'thanks for being open-minded to being a friend to an unstable person!
                            I feel so bad every time I think of you just GIVING money to (most probably) undeserving people. That hurts my heart to know that people can be so callous.
                            If someone opened their wallet and started handing me cash 'just because', I would take it and give it back to them when they came down a bit because it's hard to say no or lecture someone on a manic episode. I would try to get the most money that I could (less $ for others).
                            But, then again, because I am bi-polar, I would know how devastated one would be when they came down.

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Hey paul m (I think you should capitalize, as you ARE an important person and no capitals says something about how you feel about yourself). Unless it's some kind of inside joke.
                              I am going to capitalize your name from now on, dammit..... Paul M.! .

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