I was first diagnosed with depression at 16 and again at 22. At 31 I was put on medication for depression. A few years passed, then hello perimenapause and hello first nervous breakdown. Recovered in a few weeks, but continued thearapy for two years. After that my mood swings got worse and I was never sure who I would be. I blamed hormones.
About a year ago, the depression was getting really bad so my doctor upped my depression medication; and started my year from hell.
I got manic, noticeably manic, went back to doctor. They changed me to Paxel to see if that worked better. Things got little crazy, I got a little crazy. At this point I still was diaganost as having depression. After about 6 weeks on Paxel I was straight up crazy, although I didn't realize this until the episode ended. I'd walk for between 3 to 5 hours a day. I couldn't sleep, regularly going 2/3 days without sleep. I realized I'm a genius and could solve all the world's problems from my computer. I was off work for this entire time.
Luckily I worked for NSHA and they have a long term disability program. They got me into a psychiatrist for an assessment; only an assessment that would determine if I could work. One three hour visit that would not be repeated. This was in December, 9 months from when I started my downward spiral. This is were I find out at 49 years of age that I have Bipolar 1, with mixed episodes and rapid cycling. It was the Paxel that had carried me to my full blown mania.
I went off Paxel, started wellbutrin and Seraquil. This took about 3 months to get to the starting dose the psychiatrist recommended. This is sort of where I am now.
I live in NS. It is about 1 1/2 years wait to see a psychiatrist, if your able to pay for private. It is between 2 and 3 years to see a psychiatrist through our health care. My doctor didn't seem to get it (he didn't even read the report sent by the psychiatrist, it was 12 pages and he didn't have the time). He was kind enough to give me a copy so at least I now know what is wrong. After reading the report and realizing I was not being treated the way it was recommended, I switch doctor's. Except this is Nova Scotia so I switched to a nurse practitioner. She's great, but doesn't have the training to cope with me. It is almost June and I am still home, scared to go out in fear of what I might say or do. I did see a therapist for the first 6 months through EAP but that ran out. After a 9 month wait I finally got to see someone through mental health, he retired 6 weeks later. I go to see another therapist starting this week(it's been about 2 months with nothing).
I have friends and family who want to help but they don't how. Everyone keeps saying the meds will kick in soon and everything will go back to normal. For now everyone just tries to avoid me until everything returns to normal.
I no longer know what normal is. It's been over a year of depression and mania. I wanted to die everyday through out January and February, when I was switching meds. The only reason I made it through is my youngest daughter graduates high school this year and I would not put her through that during an already stressfull time. Summer of 2020 looks like my earliest escape time if I don't want to completely screw up my children.
Sorry for the rant but I've had no one to talk to about this for months. I'm struggling. Although I'm not battling suicide everyday anymore, I still think how it might be nice if I had a heart attack in my sleep. I try to hide how I'm feeling from my family, I never see my friends anymore, but they know things aren't good
My husband keeps asking why are you upset, why are you so tired, what did I do to upset you. I can't answer these questions, I wish I could. I try telling myself this will pass but I'm have a hard time believing it.
I need help.
About a year ago, the depression was getting really bad so my doctor upped my depression medication; and started my year from hell.
I got manic, noticeably manic, went back to doctor. They changed me to Paxel to see if that worked better. Things got little crazy, I got a little crazy. At this point I still was diaganost as having depression. After about 6 weeks on Paxel I was straight up crazy, although I didn't realize this until the episode ended. I'd walk for between 3 to 5 hours a day. I couldn't sleep, regularly going 2/3 days without sleep. I realized I'm a genius and could solve all the world's problems from my computer. I was off work for this entire time.
Luckily I worked for NSHA and they have a long term disability program. They got me into a psychiatrist for an assessment; only an assessment that would determine if I could work. One three hour visit that would not be repeated. This was in December, 9 months from when I started my downward spiral. This is were I find out at 49 years of age that I have Bipolar 1, with mixed episodes and rapid cycling. It was the Paxel that had carried me to my full blown mania.
I went off Paxel, started wellbutrin and Seraquil. This took about 3 months to get to the starting dose the psychiatrist recommended. This is sort of where I am now.
I live in NS. It is about 1 1/2 years wait to see a psychiatrist, if your able to pay for private. It is between 2 and 3 years to see a psychiatrist through our health care. My doctor didn't seem to get it (he didn't even read the report sent by the psychiatrist, it was 12 pages and he didn't have the time). He was kind enough to give me a copy so at least I now know what is wrong. After reading the report and realizing I was not being treated the way it was recommended, I switch doctor's. Except this is Nova Scotia so I switched to a nurse practitioner. She's great, but doesn't have the training to cope with me. It is almost June and I am still home, scared to go out in fear of what I might say or do. I did see a therapist for the first 6 months through EAP but that ran out. After a 9 month wait I finally got to see someone through mental health, he retired 6 weeks later. I go to see another therapist starting this week(it's been about 2 months with nothing).
I have friends and family who want to help but they don't how. Everyone keeps saying the meds will kick in soon and everything will go back to normal. For now everyone just tries to avoid me until everything returns to normal.
I no longer know what normal is. It's been over a year of depression and mania. I wanted to die everyday through out January and February, when I was switching meds. The only reason I made it through is my youngest daughter graduates high school this year and I would not put her through that during an already stressfull time. Summer of 2020 looks like my earliest escape time if I don't want to completely screw up my children.
Sorry for the rant but I've had no one to talk to about this for months. I'm struggling. Although I'm not battling suicide everyday anymore, I still think how it might be nice if I had a heart attack in my sleep. I try to hide how I'm feeling from my family, I never see my friends anymore, but they know things aren't good
My husband keeps asking why are you upset, why are you so tired, what did I do to upset you. I can't answer these questions, I wish I could. I try telling myself this will pass but I'm have a hard time believing it.
I need help.
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