Being a burden

[LoneLexa]

I recently read an article that attempted to empower readers to refuse to be seen as burdens when they are suffering and need to reach out for support. During the times when I went to therapy, this discussion surfaced numerous times and I eventually came to believe it to be true: when I am suffering, and turn to my friends or loved ones for words of support, a hug, a shared walk, or simply a hug, I am not a burden. I am sharing my vulnerability and humanity. But I can't quiet the voice that questions the validity of that idea. How can I not be a burden if I am demanding the emotional energy of people around me?
Recently, I have made efforts to be open with my partner (of almost 2 years) about my lows and moods, but he seems to have no energy or time for me. In fact, 3 weeks after my initial sharing that I needed him to be more present with me, he confronted me to say that he only wants to be committed to himself. I feel betrayed, and so lonely, because of various promises we made to each other about being supportive that are now broken. I feel like a burden to him, and that I have to suppress my suffering so he doesn't abandon me, and I so desperately do not want to be alone right now.

on a side note, this site doesn't seem to get a lot of traffic; are there others where the online community is more present? Thanks!

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums LoneLexa. I remember a therapist of mine saying that I was just as important as everyone else. She said it often knowing that I was very good at being supportive of others, but always felt like a burden when I needed it.

Honestly, If your partner only wants to be committed to himself, I'm not sure where that leaves you and your relationship with him. Have you ever considered couples counselling? Would he be willing to go I wonder. If not, perhaps it might be helpful for you to go alone? You're dealing with some difficult issues, and relationships are complicated, never mind what we carry all on our own.

As for this site, the traffic comes and goes. We have busy periods and then stretches where it's quiet on the forums. I personally don't know of more active sites.

[Kaight]

Hi LoneLexa,

I understand the burden worry. I I find it very hard to ask for support. I have been lucky with my partner, he is very patient and supportive. When I first opened up to him about how I was struggling he did everything he could... though in doing so, wore himself out. He tried to fix me... only to find that this is me, I am not really fixable... I just need support. Now, he will still help, but I have to make a specific request. It is better for our relationship this way.

Over the years I have also expanded my support group... posting here has unburdened me of a lot of guilt and suffering. I also try to stay engaged in the community; though I do not open up about my deepest suffering with most people, having more day-to-day experiences with people helps me feel more 'normal'. Example, walking with a friend from work.... we might only talk about the weather, local gossip, TV, ... but it still leaves me feeling more connected (less alone).

It does strike me as problematic that your partner wants to only be committed to himself. That would not work for me. You worry that you are a burden to him... however, I find myself wondering that if he is not available to support you that he is in fact a burden to you... I am thinking of people whom I am close to that I do not feel I should confide in... they are actually stressors, as I have to pretend to be someone I am not while I am around them... I end up focusing solely on their problems, as mine are not aloud to be voiced. It is a one-sided relationship. Energy draining.

I hope that you can find someone else to confide in. Ideally multiple people... sort of like dividing a heavy load so it can be carried.

Take care,
Kaight

[LoneLexa]

Thank you both (AJ and Kaight) for your responses. AJ I also tend to be readily supportive of others (sometimes I wonder if I'm so willing to do this because it provides distraction from doing my own work/self-care while still allowing me to feel useful/needed/emotionally stimulated) and need to be reminded that when I'm the one who needs support, it's okay too. Both you and Kaight bring up a valid observation that my partner's unwillingness to support me or be committed to me is problematic... or perhaps even toxic/a contributing factor to feeling stuck in this low headspace. I never considered that him being unavailable to support me in turn makes him a burden for me, but that feels pretty accurate. I have to be careful with what I do or don't say/how I act/what I do around him to try to not 'spread my darkness' to him...

[notnow]

I feel like this is just something the mental health community spews to take some pressure off the depressed. Of course we can be a burden...it's not really debatable. We may not be to blame for it, but it's still a reality.

[uni]

Hello LoneLexa. Welcome to the forum. I agree it's often fairly quiet, especially compared to some, but as AJ said it ebbs and flows. I lurked on several forums before deciding to join this one (a first for me). I forget which ones they were because it's a long time ago now. I recommend googling "mental health forums". It's also ok to be part of more than one; I used to be but when the format etc. changed on the other one they lost me due to my technological inabilities I like the fact that this one is Canadian. Anyway it would be great to have you stick around but I understand the need for more interaction.

As for your comments about being a burden, here's my two cents: I think it's a subjective thing. If I start to feel guilty about having depression (yes my brain will think that) and I believe I'm a burden to someone, I can ask (or they can offer) to tell me whether they feel I am. And go from there.

I believe in leaning on one another as needed. I have a friend who, when I start apologizing for laying too much on them, says "a burden shared is a burden halved', which is what I think too. I also have people in my life who steer clear of my "dark side" and that's ok with me;. We just think differently, so I vent/share/mope/despair with someone whose views are closer to my own and is more capable of dealing with my moods. And has empathy.
As I say, my two cents.

I hope you're able to sort things out with your partner. Relationships can really throw us off balance. I feel for you, and wish you well.