I have been working at the same organization for 10 years. In those ten years I have been on and off work several times. I like my job when it is stable meaning I go in do my thing and leave. Problem is I get moved around once in a while and that sends me into a deep depression to the point where I just can't face work. I know I need to stay at this job for it has a great pension. However, I don't know if I can face another 15 years of it. I'm 50 years old. I'm currently looking into another position at another organization but this organization pays less and has no pension. I sometimes struggle to make ends meet now. Also if I go into this other position will it make me happier. I'm truly frightened of failure.
I have been fighting depression all my life. It's like I'm cruising along being OK and then suddenly the bottom falls out so to speak. I end up in bed or isolating myself to the basement and just want to be left alone. I have a stable marriage and a loving wife (I think). I have two kids in their teens who are pretty good. Although I do worry about my son. He is also on meds but self medicates as well. I worry about him constantly. I feel I am incapable of love. My wife seems like a friend to me even though we are very close. I don't really know what the feeling of love is. I care for my family and don't want anything to happen to them but I don't know about love.
I had a psychiatrist whom I had a great relationship with and he help me a lot. Unfortunately he lost his license to practice and I haven't bee able to find a new one. I've tried but they are not taking on any new patients. My family doctor is great and she helps but is not a psychiatrist.
I sit here and type this while depressed. This is the 5th day in a row I have taken off work. Don't know if I should go back or take some time off. It comes down to a money issue as well as the family thinking oh he's off work again. I care a lot of what other people think of me. Sometimes I wonder if they really think I have depression or I just do not want to work. They just do not understand how I feel and it is very frustrating. Sometimes I think my doctor has the same feelings (Oh it's him again. He doesn't want to work again) All of this is just so overwhelming. I have depression and I hate it. I'm not lazy I have an illness.
Okay I've rambled enough for my first post.
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
I have been fighting depression all my life. It's like I'm cruising along being OK and then suddenly the bottom falls out so to speak. I end up in bed or isolating myself to the basement and just want to be left alone. I have a stable marriage and a loving wife (I think). I have two kids in their teens who are pretty good. Although I do worry about my son. He is also on meds but self medicates as well. I worry about him constantly. I feel I am incapable of love. My wife seems like a friend to me even though we are very close. I don't really know what the feeling of love is. I care for my family and don't want anything to happen to them but I don't know about love.
I had a psychiatrist whom I had a great relationship with and he help me a lot. Unfortunately he lost his license to practice and I haven't bee able to find a new one. I've tried but they are not taking on any new patients. My family doctor is great and she helps but is not a psychiatrist.
I sit here and type this while depressed. This is the 5th day in a row I have taken off work. Don't know if I should go back or take some time off. It comes down to a money issue as well as the family thinking oh he's off work again. I care a lot of what other people think of me. Sometimes I wonder if they really think I have depression or I just do not want to work. They just do not understand how I feel and it is very frustrating. Sometimes I think my doctor has the same feelings (Oh it's him again. He doesn't want to work again) All of this is just so overwhelming. I have depression and I hate it. I'm not lazy I have an illness.
Okay I've rambled enough for my first post.
Any insights would be greatly appreciated.
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