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Many times I've tried to post again but felt so ashamed

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  • purgatory
    started a topic Many times I've tried to post again but felt so ashamed

    Many times I've tried to post again but felt so ashamed

    Hi everyone,

    I'm back and so is the 'black dog'. Well that hasn't left.

    I'm 50 yrs old and have always been a black and white thinker. I need clear cut rules and roles to be detailed. I know that's my issue but with a lifetime of this illness I know what I can and cannot do. How do people just say get past it. Apparently, they must but I haven't found a way to do that and it's worse since the spinal surgery in Dec wasn't a success so about 90 percent or more bedridden. Last Friday morning made it to the fridge I was having a 'good' day then the turn blood pressure crashes and I'm doing everything to break my fall. My brittle bones as they described and spinal recovery didn't like that episode. No I'm not going to the hospital they can't do much for broken ribs, i've been doing fine with the skull, the wrist and the spine harder to ignore. But dealing with the kidney infection I started this morning became a priority.

    Lord here I've re typed this so many times and it's so awful.

    So how does one get over it (I'm talking emotional) since about the minute I was cut out? Honestly you don't want the pages just in healthcare alone the doctor at MAID since omg you are in a lot of pain when he saw the birth defects, mishandling etc and I'm so sorry healthcare has failed you all this time. he was really sorry that I didn't meet third criteria the hospital's definition basically no way will one survive within the next two months. This is before they found how bad my spine was and the Chief of Neurosurgery said I cannot do anything about the rest of your spine and where they tried to fix me.

    Sorry but had to write this as it came to mind and I had to spew.

    Really though how does one just get over a lifetime of being no longer useful nor loveable?

  • purgatory
    replied
    freakout Fabienne You are so lovely and caring but how can it not be me when it's all the family, a marriage, a kid, and now this. I'm tired of fighting through our health system, The lying under Oath I would have to engage a lawyer that I find so hard to take and the cops now I know why they are in the papers every week another one committing a crime, rape etc. I just keep running into walls and we are suppose to be a socialist kind country. My ass. Spine surgery left after 36hrs no instructions couldn't think of it at the time, then you can reach them. 2 weeks ago i saw the surgeon, he didn't even look at the incision and all he wrote was a prescription for inflammation ALEVE kills my stomach, plus hello kidney disease so that's a no no. yup I go to all my appointments as I've always have since I was 14, or 15 yrs old. My so called mother would drop me off at the er when my kidneys weren't functioning right and a massive kidney infection and the usual tons of stones. She would say but we can't pick you we don't drive in the dark. 15 mins away. No do you at least have money for a cab that's what I am. Something you drop off Really I'm not being dramatic. When I was trying the lumbar injections they insist they see the person who will be there to pick you up. Once I had to pay someone. this was October. Hell yes I drove duh they never worked. I'm so sorry for going on from one thing to another but they are happening back forth, same time.

    That is an interesting quote from that movie. Haven't seen it. I may just do that pm you are very kind

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  • purgatory
    replied
    Thank you A J there is not much to say I'm just in purgatory

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  • purgatory
    replied
    Thanks Paul I know I won't get better. I have a lot of pdoc and therapy appointments, use my toolbox. Its been alone but not. I've pushed the envelope and asked for a real discussion he can decide when tonite he said this weekend. I told him quit using me I have a puzzle book or computer when he visits me and the topics are always cats and work. absolutely no human contact, reassurance but he says when I ask him about that is I'm saying you don[t love me, not attractive to me etc I walk naked in the kitchen to grab bottle he gives me a huge berth of room and absolutely no indication at all he sees me as a female btw it's in the morning he 'd be naked too He ensures that there is about a foot between us in bed. Somehow people stop liking or loving me, damn I warned him and he was so excellent for 2 years then my back fracture and he closed his feelings off to me. It's always excuses because i did that and when I don't he says it's something else. I supported him with my back messed up when he was mean and drinking two full bottles of vodka a day, then he went cold turkey third time I had to have an ambulance. He said to the doc he did it for me ha never said or acted like it. He stayed home when the cops came on the form 2 (the one my family had signed as a warning not to give evidence of using me by putting in I had capital gains, paid only a wee bit for rent he took half my pay and I had to pay utilities that he used for his tax credit. Im a hoarder of documents. You know what's odd is everyone describes me as nice, kind, super helpful, generous. Maybe because I only worked with them/ I never drag anyone into my bouts of really low depression and I great at I'm fine and with a smile. I have no idae i don't do conflict or passive aggressive. I see black and white. I know it sounds dumb i live rent free etc but it's lonelier than being in a boarding house that i'm not to share with anyone.

    Apologies I'm not wearing my glasses they are in the bedroom, it's hard seeing him and can't show unconditionally my love.

    But that's it no more 'real friendships that just end just occaisional feather friends of Hi and no more kidding myself that anyone would love me forever.

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  • Freakout Fabienne
    replied
    You are not useless OR unloveable!
    Steven Hawking couldn't use his body or even speak, but he was FAR from useless. You can still contribute through your mind. You are obviously a smart person who is very aware. I'm sure you have lots to contribute. You are contributing to me right now, in giving me someone to relate to regarding feelings of depression and low self-esteem. Thank you for sharing publicly so that I had the opportunity to commiserate.
    As for unlovable, nobody is unlovable, unfortunately, there is just a large percentage of people who don't understand how to love another living being whether it be a person, an animal or even nature/the planet. There are too many people who are unfortunately bottomless pits of need, want and take, take, take. You may be a giving person without realizing it and are attracting takers. And these takers will make you feel inadequate because whatever you give, it is never enough for them.
    So before you put blame on yourself, look at the people in your life. But if you REALLY look at these people and you realize that they ARE givers and are giving to you, make sure that you appreciate them.

    I heard an awesome line in a movie the other day. I can't repeat it verbatim, but it goes something like this: (taking place in Afghanistan), the Afghan says 'Americans come from a place where everything is just as good as the afterlife' Then he says something about why the Afghanis are so willing to die because life on earth is hell and they so badly want to see a better life while in the hellhole they live in, even if it is the afterlife....something along those lines. It really resonated with me and made me appreciate the society I live in and realize that plenty of people in plenty of 3rd world countries live in literal hell every day. The movie was called 12 Strong. (I am assuming you are in Canada as this is a Canadian site).

    If you need someone to listen to you, you can message me publically or privately.

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  • AJ
    replied
    Hi Purgatory. Sorry I wish I could say something that would be helpful, except to say I hear you and send along my cyber hug, I'm not sure what else to say.

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  • paul m
    replied
    Hello purgatory. No need to feel badly over posting. Sometimes our life sucks and writing about that is no reason for being embarrassed. I can't say how or even if you will get better, but it is possible to eventually feel better depression wise. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like you are getting much help. Keep posting here and we will welcome your posts. Take Care. paui m

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