I feel like I entered deep depression.

[mik3ca]

I never thought my life would be THIS sad today
I'll give a rundown of my life.

I'm 41 right now.

As a child I was bullied a lot in elementary schools (Yes I've went to a few to try to escape bullies but I keep getting new ones).
That bullying stopped at Grade 10.
I did finish high school, earned a diploma and jumped into college per advice from family. I eventually finished college and never got a good job.
I also had a hard time finding work until age 22 when a new grocery store opened, in which I worked permanent part time. In 2020, I left that job due to issues surrounding COVID-19 between my employer and I.
So now I'm jobless, used up nearly all my funds and still live with family.
I feel depressed because I'm trying hard to connect with real people but my problem is (and I've seen this at my former job) that all the people I want to connect with either seem so busy or attached to their phones 24/7.
This past year I tried running speed dating events and could only run one which wasn't enough. When I look online, I see competitors stating they are selling tickets fast despite some having bad reviews.

I just feel no one wants to help me LIVE anymore. I even asked the few friends I have for help and they don't want to. People have told me to start over at the bottom again (work wise) but that would depress me all the more because I'll feel like I'm working with people alot younger than me who would be stuck on their phones or I probably wouldn't get a job because I don't have a new phone.

I mean I just feel depressed for not being rich enough to own the latest techology to do basic tasks and for not being able to make any friends (or even build a family of my own) at all.

I thought when the media was talking about basic income, it gave me a sense of hope because it would allow people to enjoy life instead of working every hour and that would be the kick I need to build a relationship I think. But with how that program is being delay (if it will ever happen), I don't know where to turn.

Is there any way I can get help without having to go to a doctor or being administered special pills? because I live with someone who is on a disability and he takes special pills daily and he too does not really have any friends and he is older than me.

I mean I'm trying to be a productive member of society but when I can't even get enough people to run ONE speed dating event in Toronto, it makes me wonder if Earth is the wrong planet for me to live on....

I'm gonna stop rambling and cover myself up and pray there's light at the end of the tunnel.

[Hazelcat]

Hi there. I'm new here too. I'm older (51) but I can identify a lot with your story. I dealt with abuse as a child, and also bullying for several years in late elementary school and early high school (just one bully in high school through grades 8 and 9). Maybe like me, you were abused or neglected as a child which makes you more vulnerable to bullies?

I suffered job loss (loss of hours) during Covid and am still trying to recover financially. I quit my job last year due to unbearable stress, and am planning to attend a college career program. So - I'm starting over at 51 so please don't feel like you are too old at 41! I know it's not easy, though. All my family and friends are better off financially than me so I get feeling like others are ahead of you - but do not compare yourself to anyone! There's a quote "Comparison is the thief of joy" although I'm not sure who said it.

Also I do try to remember that many, many people are worse off than me although I may not know them personally. Many people are deeply in debt, cannot afford the latest technology or are out of work.

I've been struggling with depression for years also, and meds don't work well for me. You should be able to talk to a psychiatrist for free and they may want you to try medication but you should be able to tell them if you don't want to. In my city the psychiatrist can refer you for free counselling or group therapy (at least a limited amount).

Hugs and best wishes,
Hazel

[sandy11]

Hi mik3ca, thank you so much for sharing your situation, as well as your past. I can imagine how distressing these times may be for you, especially with the depression and financial stress.

I am 22 and still early in my adult years but can relate to working with those who are outside my age range or just have very different interests. I hear you, connecting with others can be quite difficult these days. Technology either brings individuals closer or creates barriers between them. We live in a world where it is now considered the norm to carry the latest technology, and for some individuals, that isn't always possible. You are not at fault for not having a fancy phone or the latest gadgets. Your worth goes beyond that and you deserve the same respect and support as anyone else.

Sometimes those around us are not always there to give us the support or response we need and it is valid to feel unsupported or unheard in these situations. In these moments, it is especially important to be your own best friend. This is always easier said than done, but not entirely impossible. You are not alone in this and I am sure there are others out there who would want to help, as Hazelcat mentioned. Medication may not always be helpful for everyone and that is completely okay. It might be worth looking into psychotherapy or even drop-in group counselling programs to connect with others who may also be in similar situations and have first-hand experience with what you may have gone through.

As someone who has shuffled through various forms of therapy, including medication, I agree that it can certainly feel like we may be "starting from scratch" again when we take on a new form of treatment, which can be scary and de-motivating.

One way I like to think of it is that perhaps instead of stepping backwards, we just need a moment (however long it may be) to pause and take a breather so that we can collect the right skills and coping tools, meet the right people and form fulfilling connections before we can get moving forward again.

Pausing for yourself takes a lot of strength, especially in a world where we often rush to get from one place to the next. You deserve to feel supported and I am sure that same light is making its way towards you as well.

[Mocha231]

Hi mick3ca,

I was also bullied in grade school so your story really resonates with me. I also work in the field of employment. The job market is not at it’s best right now. I am a bit concerned about your financial situation. Have you applied for ODSP? I am close to your age and I also feel like I have not achieved my goals. I think most people have high expectations for themselves and when we don’t meet those expectations we feel down. Have you spoke to your doctor about how you’re feeling? Have you felt down for an extended period of time? CBT is a counselling method that may help you cope. Your doctor may be able to refer to a therapist at the hospital that offers CBT for free. CBT focussed on changing your thoughts which ultimately changes your behaviour and I have had lots of success with this method with patients.

[Hazelcat]

Hi mick3ca,

I was also bullied in grade school so your story really resonates with me. I also work in the field of employment. The job market is not at it’s best right now. I am a bit concerned about your financial situation. Have you applied for ODSP? I am close to your age and I also feel like I have not achieved my goals. I think most people have high expectations for themselves and when we don’t meet those expectations we feel down. Have you spoke to your doctor about how you’re feeling? Have you felt down for an extended period of time? CBT is a counselling method that may help you cope. Your doctor may be able to refer to a therapist at the hospital that offers CBT for free. CBT focussed on changing your thoughts which ultimately changes your behaviour and I have had lots of success with this method with patients.

Wanted to add that CBT was very helpful for me. That was actually the "group therapy" I was referring to when I mentioned getting funding via a psychiatrist earlier. Seeing a psychiatrist is free and then you would mention an interest in CBT.

I'm currently doing DBT (dialectical behaviour therapy) through a workbook and a private therapist. For me it is filling in the gaps that CBT didn't resolve - like non-verbal feelings of shame and anger from my childhood trauma, which was evoked by recent life events.