New to forum - Mom has Bipolar

[Bunny]

Hi Everyone,

I am new to this forum. I am 29, and my Mom was diagnosed with bipolar when I was about 3. You'd think I'd be pretty well adjusted to this illness by now... but I'm not.

I've read a lot of information on Biplolar but none of it really seems to explain what I see in my mom. I have observed the depression and the mania (more often the former). But more often than not, what I think I am observing is neither depression nor mania, but not "normal" either. Often (about 90% of the time), she's just not really "with it".

There are small examples, like my Mom will tell me she's a vegetarian, and then eat a burger for dinner. Or she'll tell me she's lost weight every time I see her but she's always the same size. Or we'll have the same conversation three times during a weekend.

Or a bigger example is when I try and explain that I'm confused and it upsets me that these little things happen, and she either doesn't understand what I'm talking about, or becomes very agitated and touchy.

She is also very rarely without a medical problem. IBS, carpel tunnel, asthma, cholesterol, aching knees, headache, cold/flu, miscellaneous aches and pains.

These medical issues are one of what I call her "cornerstones". I call them cornerstones because they are the things that seem to be the pillars of her life: shopping, TV, medical issues, money (usually lack of).

After my Mom was diagnosed, her life fell apart, and she lost her husband, her job, even me, because my Dad moved to another city (I would visit 3 times a year). This must have been devastating. I can't imagine.

People who knew my Mom before she became mentally ill tell me such wonderful things about her. They tell me she loved life, and was so kind to people. They tell me she was like me, with a family and a career and lots going for her. But I don't know that woman.

I love her and want the best for her, but I can't always give her what she wants or needs. When my mom complains to me about a problem, which is all the time, all I can usually see are solutions, but all she wants is my sympathy. But I don't have any more sympathy... so I get frustrated that she won't listen to my solutions and she gets frustrated that I don't care about her problems.

It's not that I don't care, it's just that it's nothing new.

I'm at the point where I don't know what to do. I know she won't change, so I'M the one who has to change. But I don't know how. I don't know how to reach down within myself and extract more patience and acceptance. I feel like that's all gone, and it's been replaced with anger and frustration.

Do you have any suggestions for me? How do you deal with the illness of a loved one? How do you separate the person from the illness, or is that impossible?

[A.E.V.]

hi Bunny, welcome to the forum.

I read your post, and I feel for you how you must be frustrated... but I also feel for your mother and how she must be frustrated.
you see, I read your post, and it could very well be my son writing the same thing about me in ten or fifteen years. I'm certain he could relate to a lot of what you're going through.

sometimes what I need is not ready-made solutions, but to know that there is someone there. I wonder if your mother has other people that she talks to about these things? because I know from my personal experience that putting everything on one person is quite a bit load on their shoulders.
at other times, I will be in a "what should I do" state of mind, and need someone to help me find solutions.
a dear friend that sees what I'm going through will ask me: do you want solutions, or just to have ears to listen and a shoulder to cry on? and depending how I am at that moment, I'll tell her which. at least she knows what to expect.

I try so hard not to tell my son much of what is going on because I am genuinely afraid he might get so infuriated with me and stop talking to me... but that's just me.

be courageous... it's not an easy thing to live - on either side of the fence.

take care,

Anne.

[AJ]

Welcome to the forums Bunny. I grew up in a family that was highly dysfunctional (Not unique) but no mental illness, other than me. I can only imagine how hard that would be for a child, especially starting at age 3.

I guess the good news is that you are an adult, and have a whole lot of choices that you didn't have as a child.

Anne has asked some good questions about what support your Mum has in place. If she has other support in place, it might take some of the 'load' off you.

You may want to consider, or you may already have, support for yourself in all this. Family members are more likely to 'burn out' when helping someone in the family with mental illness, if there's no support for them.

[uni]

Welcome Bunny, and thanks for sharing your concerns. That is proactive in itself, and not something most of us do easily. I think it's a good thing that you are asking questions here because it's a great place to get a few answers; even better, it is a place of empathy, support and acceptance. I can't give you much, but I will try to give you some of that. All the best.

[paul m]

Hello Bunny and welcome. There are many levels of any mental illness and bipolar is no exception. By it's very defintion a Mental Illness means that someting is wrong with our thinking pattern. So sometimes it is impossible for us to be rationale( or what the world sees as rationale). By definition a mental illness is also chronic.

Some of us get better with very little help, others get better with a lot of help and some just never get better no matter how hard they try. Unfortunately after years of trying it's very easy to give up.

No matter how much you and others have suffered, I can guarentee that your Mom has suffered much more. However I also understand your huge frustration level.

The MDAO has a good fact sheet on helping someone with a mood disorder. www.mooddisorders.on.ca click on learn more. It deals partly with the exact emotions you are feeling and gives hints on how to deal with them. Its a very usefull sheet, give it a read. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Hi Bunny and welcome aboard

I've read a lot of information on Biplolar but none of it really seems to explain what I see in my mom. I have observed the depression and the mania (more often the former). But more often than not, what I think I am observing is neither depression nor mania, but not "normal" either. Often (about 90% of the time), she's just not really "with it".

There are small examples, like my Mom will tell me she's a vegetarian, and then eat a burger for dinner. Or she'll tell me she's lost weight every time I see her but she's always the same size. Or we'll have the same conversation three times during a weekend.

It almost sound like dementia... but then I forget thing. Not long ago, said the same thing twice in the same thread.

Separating illness and person is not impossible but very difficult. Even for the person with the illness it is a daunting task. And it is not just the illness, you also have to factor in what medications she is taking as they also affect behaviours.

Are you the primary caregiver for your mom?
Have you looked in your local community to see if there are any agencies that might be of help?

[Bunny]

Wow, clearly I'm new at this. I just lost my entire post. Thank you all for responding... I am going to get back to work and post back later.

[paul m]

Hello Bunny. I'm not new and I lose my posts all of the time . I never understand why when I want to delete some usless piece of e-mail it takes 2 or 3 operations to get rid of it, but write one really long post, hit one wrong key and poof. Take Care. paul m

[Bunny]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for all of your posts. After doing some reading on this forum, and some of the links you provided, I'm feeling a little better.

I think that some of the things I observe in my mom are a combination of the illness and the side effects of medication, but I'm never sure which habits or behaviours are not a result of either of those, and which things are part of her personality. I think this is the real crux of what I struggle with.

For example, she's horrible with money. She's on disability, so she gets a cheque from the government, and has subsidized rent, etc... which means she doesn't have a lot of spending money. But she'll lend money to people, get her clothes dry cleaned, take taxis... and then she sometimes runs out of money so she can't buy food. And then of course when she asks me or someone else for money -- do I take on the 'parent' role and refuse out of "tough love", or do I just give it to her -- after all -- I don't have to deal with her horrible illness...?? There's always so much guilt with either option. (and I should also mention here that I am not my mom's primary caregiver -- she mostly takes care of herself, and in the past few years it has been another family member who has been handing out money when she needs it)

Another example would be her myriad of health problems, but she won't eat properly, set a strict sleep schedule, excercise, or quit smoking... even in moderation. She always has an excuse, and I know that making lifestyle changes is really hard, but the payoff is huge if you don't have to deal with so many health problems/doctors appointments/prescriptions/over the coutner meds($$$$), etc. I wonder if it's her illness or medication that create a huge barrier to doing these things, or if she's just really set in her ways and refuses to change.

But like I said in my earlier post, I know I'm the one who has to change. The previous examples are things that have been going since I was a kid, and I've never been able to process them properly. And I know I have to stop thinking, "Well, if only she would do this or that, she wouldn't have this or that problem", and start thinking, "How am I going to accept her for who she is, even if I don't agree with the way she lives her life? and How do I stop blaming her for her own problems?"

I am going to try attending a support group in my city so hopefully that will help.

Thanks again for all of the supportive suggestions and comments.

[paul m]

Hello Bunny. It is tough looking afer any loved one with a major illness. Its also tough to not only make the right decisions, but to feel good about yourselve afterwards.

In a prior post I posted a link on looking after someone with a mood disorder. It really stresses the need to set limits and to look after yourself as well.

Your a good person for wanting your mother well, but unfortunately you cannot force somebody to get better. Try re-reading that fact sheet. It's not perfect, but it may give you some hints

In regards to money for groceries, I would sign her up for a food bank and if I had too I would buy her the bare neccessities of grocoies when she ran out.

Another option, one that is not very pleasant, is to have a public trustee manage her money for her. You would need a doc to say that her illness was such that she cannot handle her money. I realize these are not great solutions and how troubled you must be by all of this. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Not sure if you mention it Bunny, but how old is your mom?

[Bunny]

Hi Woody,
My Mom is 59, why do you ask?

[paul m]

Hello Bunny. I do not know why Woody asked, but I was going to ask myself. Several reasons. In some places you can get meals on wheels delivered for free at a certain age. There are also other benefits that are sometimes available to older people.

There are also some studies that show that bipolar may go into remission on the elderly, but it hasn't worked on me yet (55). I cannot remember the study but I think it was older people in their late 60's to early 70's. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

At 59, she would most likely rebel at the idea of putting her finances in the hand of someone else.

Paul suggestion about meal on wheel is a good one. Even if she had to pay a monthly stipend at lest she would be at least guarantied food for the hole month.

What I was thinking is that with all her other ailments, not just the mental illness but IBS an so forth that she might qualify for something like assisted living. Not like an old folks home. They have there own apartments and such and they are free to go as please. There is a medical staff available for those that need it. Not sure she would qualify at 59, but you might be able to put her name in the cue as these places have long waiting lists.

Another thing that I would like to mention is that at 59, your mom is probably pretty set in her ways. It does not mean that she cannot change, but just means that influencing changes in behaviour might be more of a slow process.

[Bunny]

Hi paulm and Woody,

Meals on Wheels is actually a really good idea... I'm going to look into it. She doesn't really like cooking for herself so that would be great, and might encourage her to eat some more balanced meals (might help with the IBS too....)

That's an interesting point about Bipolar going into remission. I'm going to look that up.

You're right about her being set in her ways, and I've spent years trying to get her to change. I used to put her cigarettes down the toilet when I was a kid... never went over well!! I think going forward, if I don't expect any changes, if there happen to be some changes for the better, it will just be a bonus. (vs. expecting change and constantly being disappointed).

I re-looked at the fact sheets too -- very informative. It's nice to hear that both my mom and I are "normal" -- if there is such a thing!