New to forum - Mom has Bipolar

[leila63]

Dear GTchamp

Before I got ill enough to not be able to work, I too had a very stressful job as a liason between a larger company and a subcontractor complete with a beeper too. I still don't understand how before I used to be able to handle so much stress and now just driving can be very anxiety producing.

One good thing is that taking a step back can be good in the long run. I started a new medication in Feb and I'm feeling much more stable now and able to take on more things. For me it just took a while to learn how to listen to my brain to know when something was too much and to know when I could take on more. I try to not take things on permanently because my illness seems to be quite variably.

It all just takes time and everyone is different.

[paul m]

Hello Gtchamp. It is very frustrating to be unable to do what we used to do. My guess is that the frustration caused by that factor is probably a major source of depression. I know it was for me for a long time. My illness, also made me feel useless and that really hurt for a long time.

I think the hardest part of my illness for me to accept was that I was forever changed. I kept trying to do things that I probably never will be able to do again. That's not all bad as it forced me to become a better and a more caring person.

My life is better now and I cannot give you any medical advice on how to get better. I can tell you a bit about my life. To get better I had to

Accept my illness in full, I still didn't like it and I still try hard, but I accepted it. All of it. Without accepting all of it, we cannot fight against it as a whole.

I had to become the best patient going, no more lying, flushing my pills etc

I had to learn to manage stress as it affected the new me, the old me would have handled it differently

I had to improve my relationship with my spouse.

I had to learn about my illness and how it affected me. I Had to learn about identifing my moods and what I could self manage at home and what I needed a doctor for

I had to learn to stay away from triggers

I had to get involved in things where I could redeem some of my self esteem. Volunteering helps me greatly as long as I watch my load.

I had to come to terms with my financial position.Easy to say, hard to do, but very important.

I made new friends

I had to change my life stlye, no more drinking coffee all day, no more weekends with the boys(well I could go, but who wants to be the only sober guy).

Unfortunately, it takes a long time to get better sometimes, my life was complete chaos by the time I started to change things around, so perhaps it took me a bit longer and I may need more structure. However you can enjoy your life again, it will probably not be the life you had 10 yrs ago or even the one you had planned on, but you can enjoy it. Remember you have a Chronic Illness, some days managing an illness like that is a fulltime job. My life is pretty good right now and believe me, if I can get better, so can anybody else. I am nothing special when it comes to healing myself. Take Care. paul m

[gtchamp]

Thanks Woody, Leila63 and Paul M. You have all given me alot to think about. Especially you Paul . Today was a pretty good day. I was pretty drugged and slept all moring but since then I have been up since lunch, I have been pretty high functioning. Pretty much myself.

I just want to add, I have been searching for many years for people to contect with who understand this disorder and I truly find it a blessing to have these forums to turn to. I am learning so much. Thanks so much.

Blessings everyone. Take care.

[leila63]

gtchamp I'm glad that you are enjoying the forum. I haven't around long myself but I find it has become a life line for me. I feel like I've found something that I didn't even know was missing.

Paul M, you very eloquently spoke about life now as we know it. I think when you spoke of acceptance it really resonated with me. Reminds me of that phrase the serenity poem "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference".

[AJ]

Paul, thank you. Thank you for sharing some of yourself, your story, your hope and your hard earned wisdom.

[paul m]

Hello Gtchamp. Thx for the thx. Sometimes I still have those feeling drugged days, I do not know exactly why, fortunately for me they do not happen very often, but I really hate them. Take Care. paul m

Hello Leila63. I have thought about that passage or quote many times in my lifetime and it is certainly very appropriate. Thx for reprinting it. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Well said Paul!

[gtchamp]

Just me needing to VENT...GRRRR

So...another update. Here goes. I'm going to vent a little. On Monday, I had 3 appiontments. First one was with a counsellor. Went very well. Made alot of headway. I left very happy. I was feeling very much myself this day as I was for the last 2 days. Next appointment was with the Psychiatrist. He listened to me then said time is running out session. Didn't think my week long of spending days in bed was related to my disorder, told me my medication in my system was very high but we won't touch it. Asked me what I though of all that. I was stunned. I felt like he basically was telling me the previous week he though I was lazy. My last appointment was with my general doctor. I told her what happened with the phych. She listened. However, because when I get a bit passonite about things I can get slightly reved, she told me she thought I was "up". How did I feel about that. I was pissed. I almost started to cry. Then she asked what was happening. I told her that one of the things I am working on in counselling is the fact that I feel like I am not heard or validated and this stems way back in my life. So when I have a doctor treat me like he did today. It makes me hurt and angry. Plus, can't I just have a bloody good day!! She said she understood. I aplogized for taking things out on her but she said it was good. She needed to know that about her patients.

Anyway, I'm not too keen on seeing them anytime soon. I'm supposed to be keeping my mood chart. I stopped. I figured why when they don't even believe me. So, that is my story. And, for the record, I do feel like me today. Thank God. And it is ok, to feel like that. At least that is how I feel.
Thanks for listening.

[paul m]

Hello Gtchamp. Sorry about your day. It's really tough sometimes without the help of inconsiderate people.

I cannot say what the availability of docs are in your area. Here they are non-existant. When I was first treated I was fortunate that I could change docs if I had too, not so anymore.

What follows is not the best advice in the world but it's all I got. If you can change docs, investigate that possibility. If you cannot then sometimes all we can do is try to figure out how we can get the best out of the one we have.

Sometimes that means putting constant questions to him. Like "I've had no energy for the last week and no matter what I try I cannot get into a stable mood. What do you think I should try? " Or "My meds do not seem to be controling my moods, can we review them and see if any changes are needed?" Some docs actually work better when we are proactive, others react badly to being questioned and still others are just twits.

But by asking questions, you might have a little control over the topics. Oh, ask how long your interview will be with the doc. A scheduled 30min will usually run 20min (the other 10 is fo note making) and if he is running behind, it could get cut further. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Hi Gtchamp,

I do not know if this is possible for you, but I try not to book too many appoinments for the same day. Unless I do not have the choice I will only commit to one thing. Even if it is completely unrelated. I find it easier to recoup if something goes sideways.

When your Pdoc asked you what you thought, what was your reaction? Did you say anything? My memory can be spotty at time ... what is your diagnosis again?

[gtchamp]

Hey Paul and Woody. Thanks for your replies. Hello to everyone else out there.

Paul: I thought I was being pro-active. I had taken in a list of side effects I was not happy with. I had done my home work with my mood sheet. Also did some other paper work to show my phsych. But some of your questions are good and I will write them down and probably use them at my next appointment. My docs aren't too bad, I just think they are puzzled this time around. I, too, am puzzled. I am not entirely convinced it was a sift in my mood but could simply have been me taking on too much.

Woody: I am an Epileptic Bipolar. Although my last seizure was in 1997 so, sometimes I don't even count that anymore. When my Pdoc asked me what I thought, I was completely stunned. I looked at him and just stared. This was mainly due to the fact that he wondered if I had spent the week in bed due to a fight with a very close friend. I was shocked. I have NEVER holed up like that for a simple reason like that. To be honest, I was insulted. When I composed myself, I told him that I actually tought that the time I spent in bed was for healing. He asked how I felt. How could I feel. I was freakin sleeping!! Very frustrating.

Right now I am dealing with a problem with my medication. But I will go to the proper forum to discuss that.

As usual, thanks again for listening to my rambling on and on.

[paul m]

Well Gtchamp, you've certainly have got the right spirit. Keep trying and perhaps you will find out what works.Shrinks sometimes ask dumb questions . I once told a shrink" I know that I have been holed up for a week for no reason, well I have a chronic illness, that's hard to treat, but other than that I really don't know why I holed up, of course that's why I'm here, to get answers". Shrinks really hate that answer, My appt got cut short and I was told not to come back until I was ready to work with him.

I cannot speak for anybody else. My illness sometimes is triggered by external factors and sometimes it is not. I can be living a prefectly normal and happy life and suddenly start to plunge into a deep depression. When that happens, I need no reasons.

When I used to spend a day in bed, I used to feel tremendously guilty about it. I would struggle to get up and try and do things and that would make my mood worse. I know forgive myself. If I have to spend a day in bed then I do so, without guilt. I have a chronic illness that is tough to treat and sometimes I have to spend the day in bed. Guilt will make my moods stay bad for a long time, so I try to avoid it.

Mind you a thick skin is necessary. Everybody has sympathy if you say you were in bed for a week with the flu, but say you were in bed with depression for a wk, very little sympathy. However, depression kills more Canadians every year than the flu does, so which is the more severe illness. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

I would be very frustrated too GT Champ

[gtchamp]

Update

So, I wasn't really sure where to put this in the forums so I thought I would put it here. Looks like the doctors and I have come to the conclusion that my current issue is actually due to my counselling that I am going through. You see, I can tell a story void of emotion and then the emotion comes later. That is not good for someone who is bipolar because when it does catch up, it can be a pop shot very hard and fast. I drop really low very fast and then it can be over in a few minutes. We are dealing with it by watching me carefully while I still go to counselling. I also took alot of things off my plate to lighten my stress load.

Has anyone else ever been in counselling and found that it interferred with their condition and if so, how did you manage it?

On another note, I was told my Epival levels are over the legal limit in my blood theraputically. I'm not happy. I have several side effects. I will be asking them AGAIN ...or should I say, telling them to decrease it.

Hope all is well. Take care.
Tracey

[paul m]

Hello Tracey. First, don't worry too much about where you put something. More important that you feel comfortable posting.

Counselling and therapy are supposed to help us deal with "ALL" our problems in a successfull manner. If the therapist doesn't deal with everything, including delayed reactions, then it is very it is hard to move forward in a complete manner

However if we don't tell them the full storey, then it is hard for them to realize the full extent of the problems we are having. Its important for us to discuss with our counsellor any problems we feel that they may be causing us in the long run. Some counsellors will appreciate you telling them that they are causing problems and some won't.

As well some counsellers are ill equiped to deal with a tough illness like bipolar and just will not understand. It can be very hard to get a counsellor that provides the right mixture of understanding and knowledge. But your first step should be to discuss it with him and then possible look at a different counsellor depending on their reaction. Take Care. paul m