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Possibly depression-like symptoms?

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    Possibly depression-like symptoms?

    Sometimes I feel like I pour so much energy into something that I canít feel any excitement anymore. And I look up and everything looks so bleak and pointless and I lose the motivation to continue or do anything else. It kind of feels like my inside Iím squirming with dread realizing how I feel. The pointlessness usually goes away after a while but doesnít seem to fully disappear until the next morning.

    So its kind of a cycle of getting excited about something and pouring myself into it then the above.

    Usually I make myself finish video projects (I like putting family videos together) which yields some feeling of accomplishment but when I feel down like that, it makes me feel like my accomplishment is little and that the finished project really actually kind of sucks and that itís stupid to feel happy or excited about it because of that. And then thereís books I get so excited about writing then lose interest after about a chapter or two. Donít know if thatís related.

    Nights I feel worse. A lot of nights after everyone goes to bed I have to work up the energy to get ready for bed myself, in the meantime lying on the couch feeling alone and almost miserable. My mom usually offers to have a bedtime chat about the day but sometimes I donít feel like getting up so I stay on the couch, which makes it worse (because I always feel a bit better after talking to her).

    Get bored after a while and make myself get ready for bed convincing myself Iíll feel better in the morning. I usually do. Even though everyone has already gone to work by the time I get up and Iím alone anyway, the brightness and new day make me feel better and usually excited to work on a video or something similar. Sometimes the cycle from the previous day repeats. But sometimes I can feel good all day.

    (I find this not so much when Iím working because my mind is distracted I guess? But after a work day sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted and kind of similar to what I described above, especially if Iím working an evening shift)

    I also find i tend to obsess over one thing though. Right now itís making videos and I donít feel like doing much else (except maybe checking social media or watching tv). I enjoy family time and playing games and watching movies with them but donít seem to have the energy to ride my horse or go four wheeling or go for a walk, which I usually love. But I will go skiing with my family for the day.

    I donít know when this started. Iíve kind of had bad spells that last a few days to 2 weeks (but rarely longer) over the last few years but it always went away. Whenever that happened I would check off most of the symptoms of major depression (sadness, loss of interest in activities, low self esteem, feeling hopeless, tired, no energy, felt much less talkative and I think I actually worked slower because of how I felt, but my sleep and eating habits didnít change or at least not much) in myself (but a moderate version) but it wouldnít last long enough and would go away before I ever had a chance to do anything about it. And these spells were always random, nothing seemed to cause them. This would happen every 2 months or so. Hasnít happened for a while but I still sometimes feel how I described above, for a couple of days then that goes away. Not sure about the time frame or how often this happens as I find it hard to keep track even writing it down.

    As it is now, I sleep about 10 or sometimes more hours every night and still feel tired. I sleep 7-9 usually if I work early and donít feel any worse but Iíll sleep a solid 12 hours after a couple nights of that (I always wake up a couple times during the night though). Iíve lost 10 pounds in a few months not trying but Iím pretty sure thatís not related to anything, just been working more so have less time to eat bad stuff lol. I donít have a particularly healthy diet in general though so maybe thatís part of my problem? Yet Iíve had blood tests and never tested low for any important vitamins or minerals. I havenít felt like riding my horse or doing too much else in a while but itís winter so I could also put it down to that. But I enjoy (most of the time) watching tv or hanging out with my family. I canít stand sitting still doing nothing most of the time. I do feel sad quite a bit, sometimes itís after everyone goes to bed or if something happens to make me upset but other times it seems like thereís no reason.

    I can still laugh and have fun with my family but then I feel worse when Iím alone. But sometimes I donít want to talk or be around too many people (never applies to my family).

    Also, if I have a day off and have a plan for the day (like working on a video, even though thatís not important and I could do it anytime) and then something else turns up that I have or want to do (like looking at new insulin pumps since Iím diabetic, something I hate doing, or going to look at kittens [my old cat passed away recently so weíre looking into getting a couple of kittens], something I love to do but bothers me anyway if I had a different idea for how the day was going to go), I get stressed out feeling like I donít have time for everything.

    I would like to know if any of this could be related to some form of depression. I canít relate to much when people describe their major depression symptoms because Iím really not that bad. But I still have a feeling that something isnít right. But maybe thatís just normal and what Iím experiencing is regular everyday sadness. Iím too scared to talk to anyone about it because I donít want anyone to think that Iím ungrateful or that Iím trying to belittle mental illness and trying to make how I feel seem worse than it is, because I can still function normally, sometimes itís just harder. And I know people with clinical depression feel much worse than I do but I donít know, something just doesnít feel right.

    Trying online tests doesnít help because they ask ďfor the last 2 weeksĒ and it either doesnít last that long or I canít remember how I felt over the past 2 weeks. Writing it down doesnít help either because I can think Iím okay but then a couple days later Iím thinking ďwow I feel much better todayĒ. On the other hand if itís not bad enough to remember or be able to write down then it canít really be that bad can it?

    Sorry, I know this is really long and all over the place and Iím not sure it makes much sense. Itís really hard for me to describe but I tried my best. Iím just very confused and really I want to know whether what I feel is completely normal and if anyone else has ever questioned their mental health this way.

    i feel like someone should just tell me Iím imagining things and that Iím fine and nothing is wrong with me but I canít help feeling like theres something. I guess Iím really looking for suggestions for what could cause me to feel this way? Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this. Thanks for any replies.

    #2
    Welcome to the forums PaperStars. You did indeed post in the Depression section, but it would have been ok if you hadn't. We're pretty relaxed about that on this forum, unlike a lot of windows tech forums.

    If you think/feel that things are not okay, then they're not. Don't let anyone dismiss your thoughts or feelings about how you're doing!

    Sometimes there is no 'reason(s)' for how I feel, I just do. Physical health, and other life stresses can contribute to my state of well being, but sometimes I just can't put a finger on it. There are some life changes that can makes a difference, and sometimes there aren't. The important thing is to accept where I am and figure out where to go from there.

    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Thank you for your reply AJ. It took a while to work up the courage to even post this here, even online where no one knows me! It does always seem to me like no one would understand that I feel this way, because my life looks pretty good from the outside. I donít have a lot of major stresses that most people my age would have (Iím 22, still live at home as my family has always been very close and I would rather pay a bit of rent than live on my own, I have a decent steady job and quite a few hobbies when I have the energy to do them), but I do still feel stressed out quite a lot, even over small things that most wouldnít stress over. I guess I have to stop thinking so much about what other people think!

      I get what you say about there sometimes being no reason for feeling down too. Sometimes I can pinpoint a reason but other times I come up with nothing, I just do, just like you said.

      Comment


        #4
        Well I'm glad you did post PaperStars.

        People call me a worrywart. I can worry about certain things. Flying worries me, not crashing, just missing the flight, or a connection, or lost luggage! I actually get quite anxious about it. My travelling companions don't quite get it.

        I'm also one of those, prepare for the worst and plan for the best, kind of person. It is a good thing when hiking in the back woods in the winter, but a bit of a drag when doing an activity expecting a disaster to happen any minute.
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          Hello and welcome PaperStars. Can it be related to depression. I can't diagnose as I'm not medically qualified, but it does sound that depression is entering your life. Depression can be very short term( a day) or much longer lasting. As well anxieties often go hand and hand with depression.
          We don't need a reason to have depression to spring up, it can come on all of a sudden (so can anxieties) .

          Please feel free to ask more questions, answer other people's post and/or use the forum to vent out some of life's frustrations. Take Care. paul m
          "Alone we can do so little;
          Together we can do so much"
          Helen Keller

          Comment


            #6
            AJ- yes, I worry about the same things when flying! I donít think Iíll ever fly anywhere alone. I get totally lost just walking through an airport though. And then I worry about really stupid stuff too... I sing at my church sometimes, and Iím perfectly fine being on stage in front of everyone (or at least no more worried than the average person would be), but walking up to the stage and back to my chair afterwards is what makes me the most anxious, because itís then that I feel all eyes on me... Iím pretty sure I used to have some level of social anxiety but Im much better now than I used to be. Working as a cashier seems to have helped me get through most of my worries. At least I can actually reply to people when they talk to me instead of feeling like I canít say a word, and eating near other people no longer makes me feel like Iím about to choke on my food (unless maybe Iím trying to talk to them at the same time).

            paul- Thank you very much for the welcome
            and your reply. You take care also!

            Comment


              #7
              Hello PaperStars, and welcome!

              Thanks for getting up the courage to post, and sharing some of your story In reading it I find many elements of my own experiences over the years.

              Whether you have the disorder called depression, I really can't say. Some of us seem to be born more prone to changes in our moods than others. If the mood changes interfere badly enough in a person's life, then a diagnosis may help and you can go from there. Other times, people just ride with it and learn some tools to use when things get rougher. I know for sure that bouncing things off of people in this forum, or just venting or whatever, has been a great way for me to get perspective and help me figure things out. I hope you're able to find the same.
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

              Comment


                #8
                Thank you uni! I think itís very possible Iím one of those people prone to mood changes. I think that mostly started happening when I was around 14...starting high school, I had just gotten my horse, was struggling to find out who I was. Although I felt I should be the happiest Iíd ever been, I couldnít pull myself out of a dark sad feeling many days. But I was having a hard time with my horse, because she was more than I could handle at the time and that definitely took its toll on me. Still, even after we became comfortable with each other, and years later when she was no longer a challenge for me, I still had these darker, sad periods of time that seemed to get worse after my first (and only) year of university.

                But I really canít remember much from back then. I feel like I used to be so much happier when I was younger, I was always so positive and always out doing something. I think maybe some of that childhood happiness just goes away when you get past a certain age and realize the world isnít as perfect as you thought it was. But I do also wonder if I feel down more than I should. Sometimes I feel like Iím going to ďwake upĒ someday and be myself again, then I end up really happy for a while and forget about all of that and life is good. Then that happiness goes away and I pretty much forget I ever felt happy. I wish there was an easier way to manage the mood changes because I feel exhausted sometimes trying to keep my spirits up, but Iím hoping I will at least find the energy to start getting some light exercise once some of the snow and ice goes away. Sometimes I find exercise helps, other times it makes me feel worse, but itís worth a try!

                thanks for your comments and I hope that I will be able to find that too!

                Comment


                  #9
                  PaperStars, I believe that awareness is half the battle, and it sounds like you're fairly aware of your moods. Sometimes I wonder if we all have kind of an internal compass (pretty sure I often ignore mine) and when too many alarm bells go off, it's time to check the situation out. What I personally do is journal or talk to a friend, or read something helpful or come onto the forum. When mega alarm bells go off (after some time in denial) I phone a mental health professional.

                  Thanks for mentioning exercise. I need the reminder! I'm convinced it's the magic pill for most of our human ailments. This does not, however, mean that I necessarily fill my prescription
                  uni

                  ~ it's always worth it ~

                  Comment


                    #10
                    uni, yes I think I am fairly aware of how I feel, although why is another story...sometimes the dumbest things can make me feel bad, other times I canít think of a reason but know there is one (and sometimes there really is no reason I should). Iím trying to be more aware of why I feel a certain way now, and exactly how I feel, so I try to tell myself ďI feel this feeling because of this or because this happenedĒ. Iím not sure how thatís working yet though, as sometimes when I feel down itís hard to remember to try to figure out why . Itís so easy to just think ďwow I feel really bad. When am I gonna be happy again?Ē Even if itís only been a couple of days. But lately Iíve mostly just been feeling that way at night, sometimes in the morning; and during the day Iím fine as long as Iím doing something that makes me think or work hard.

                    I am also a creative type so Iím always writing, journaling, reading, etc. I like to sing too. I find that sometimes when I write or sing a lot (or go for a walk or a run) though, I seem to lose all feeling and itís like I spilled all the feeling out of me. Itís kind of weird feeling just numb like that. I think that happens anytime though so itís not just when I feel sad. When I am sad itís usually hard to find the energy to do any of that but I really should try more because I think itís might help.

                    Lol and yes, exercise does seem to be a cure-all. I actually wrote a research paper on the benefits of regular exercise in high school. That doesnít mean I always fill my prescription either though! Hehe

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