Sometimes I feel like I pour so much energy into something that I can’t feel any excitement anymore. And I look up and everything looks so bleak and pointless and I lose the motivation to continue or do anything else. It kind of feels like my inside I’m squirming with dread realizing how I feel. The pointlessness usually goes away after a while but doesn’t seem to fully disappear until the next morning.
So its kind of a cycle of getting excited about something and pouring myself into it then the above.
Usually I make myself finish video projects (I like putting family videos together) which yields some feeling of accomplishment but when I feel down like that, it makes me feel like my accomplishment is little and that the finished project really actually kind of sucks and that it’s stupid to feel happy or excited about it because of that. And then there’s books I get so excited about writing then lose interest after about a chapter or two. Don’t know if that’s related.
Nights I feel worse. A lot of nights after everyone goes to bed I have to work up the energy to get ready for bed myself, in the meantime lying on the couch feeling alone and almost miserable. My mom usually offers to have a bedtime chat about the day but sometimes I don’t feel like getting up so I stay on the couch, which makes it worse (because I always feel a bit better after talking to her).
Get bored after a while and make myself get ready for bed convincing myself I’ll feel better in the morning. I usually do. Even though everyone has already gone to work by the time I get up and I’m alone anyway, the brightness and new day make me feel better and usually excited to work on a video or something similar. Sometimes the cycle from the previous day repeats. But sometimes I can feel good all day.
(I find this not so much when I’m working because my mind is distracted I guess? But after a work day sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted and kind of similar to what I described above, especially if I’m working an evening shift)
I also find i tend to obsess over one thing though. Right now it’s making videos and I don’t feel like doing much else (except maybe checking social media or watching tv). I enjoy family time and playing games and watching movies with them but don’t seem to have the energy to ride my horse or go four wheeling or go for a walk, which I usually love. But I will go skiing with my family for the day.
I don’t know when this started. I’ve kind of had bad spells that last a few days to 2 weeks (but rarely longer) over the last few years but it always went away. Whenever that happened I would check off most of the symptoms of major depression (sadness, loss of interest in activities, low self esteem, feeling hopeless, tired, no energy, felt much less talkative and I think I actually worked slower because of how I felt, but my sleep and eating habits didn’t change or at least not much) in myself (but a moderate version) but it wouldn’t last long enough and would go away before I ever had a chance to do anything about it. And these spells were always random, nothing seemed to cause them. This would happen every 2 months or so. Hasn’t happened for a while but I still sometimes feel how I described above, for a couple of days then that goes away. Not sure about the time frame or how often this happens as I find it hard to keep track even writing it down.
As it is now, I sleep about 10 or sometimes more hours every night and still feel tired. I sleep 7-9 usually if I work early and don’t feel any worse but I’ll sleep a solid 12 hours after a couple nights of that (I always wake up a couple times during the night though). I’ve lost 10 pounds in a few months not trying but I’m pretty sure that’s not related to anything, just been working more so have less time to eat bad stuff lol. I don’t have a particularly healthy diet in general though so maybe that’s part of my problem? Yet I’ve had blood tests and never tested low for any important vitamins or minerals. I haven’t felt like riding my horse or doing too much else in a while but it’s winter so I could also put it down to that. But I enjoy (most of the time) watching tv or hanging out with my family. I can’t stand sitting still doing nothing most of the time. I do feel sad quite a bit, sometimes it’s after everyone goes to bed or if something happens to make me upset but other times it seems like there’s no reason.
I can still laugh and have fun with my family but then I feel worse when I’m alone. But sometimes I don’t want to talk or be around too many people (never applies to my family).
Also, if I have a day off and have a plan for the day (like working on a video, even though that’s not important and I could do it anytime) and then something else turns up that I have or want to do (like looking at new insulin pumps since I’m diabetic, something I hate doing, or going to look at kittens [my old cat passed away recently so we’re looking into getting a couple of kittens], something I love to do but bothers me anyway if I had a different idea for how the day was going to go), I get stressed out feeling like I don’t have time for everything.
I would like to know if any of this could be related to some form of depression. I can’t relate to much when people describe their major depression symptoms because I’m really not that bad. But I still have a feeling that something isn’t right. But maybe that’s just normal and what I’m experiencing is regular everyday sadness. I’m too scared to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m ungrateful or that I’m trying to belittle mental illness and trying to make how I feel seem worse than it is, because I can still function normally, sometimes it’s just harder. And I know people with clinical depression feel much worse than I do but I don’t know, something just doesn’t feel right.
Trying online tests doesn’t help because they ask “for the last 2 weeks” and it either doesn’t last that long or I can’t remember how I felt over the past 2 weeks. Writing it down doesn’t help either because I can think I’m okay but then a couple days later I’m thinking “wow I feel much better today”. On the other hand if it’s not bad enough to remember or be able to write down then it can’t really be that bad can it?
Sorry, I know this is really long and all over the place and I’m not sure it makes much sense. It’s really hard for me to describe but I tried my best. I’m just very confused and really I want to know whether what I feel is completely normal and if anyone else has ever questioned their mental health this way.
i feel like someone should just tell me I’m imagining things and that I’m fine and nothing is wrong with me but I can’t help feeling like theres something. I guess I’m really looking for suggestions for what could cause me to feel this way? Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this. Thanks for any replies.
So its kind of a cycle of getting excited about something and pouring myself into it then the above.
Usually I make myself finish video projects (I like putting family videos together) which yields some feeling of accomplishment but when I feel down like that, it makes me feel like my accomplishment is little and that the finished project really actually kind of sucks and that it’s stupid to feel happy or excited about it because of that. And then there’s books I get so excited about writing then lose interest after about a chapter or two. Don’t know if that’s related.
Nights I feel worse. A lot of nights after everyone goes to bed I have to work up the energy to get ready for bed myself, in the meantime lying on the couch feeling alone and almost miserable. My mom usually offers to have a bedtime chat about the day but sometimes I don’t feel like getting up so I stay on the couch, which makes it worse (because I always feel a bit better after talking to her).
Get bored after a while and make myself get ready for bed convincing myself I’ll feel better in the morning. I usually do. Even though everyone has already gone to work by the time I get up and I’m alone anyway, the brightness and new day make me feel better and usually excited to work on a video or something similar. Sometimes the cycle from the previous day repeats. But sometimes I can feel good all day.
(I find this not so much when I’m working because my mind is distracted I guess? But after a work day sometimes I feel absolutely exhausted and kind of similar to what I described above, especially if I’m working an evening shift)
I also find i tend to obsess over one thing though. Right now it’s making videos and I don’t feel like doing much else (except maybe checking social media or watching tv). I enjoy family time and playing games and watching movies with them but don’t seem to have the energy to ride my horse or go four wheeling or go for a walk, which I usually love. But I will go skiing with my family for the day.
I don’t know when this started. I’ve kind of had bad spells that last a few days to 2 weeks (but rarely longer) over the last few years but it always went away. Whenever that happened I would check off most of the symptoms of major depression (sadness, loss of interest in activities, low self esteem, feeling hopeless, tired, no energy, felt much less talkative and I think I actually worked slower because of how I felt, but my sleep and eating habits didn’t change or at least not much) in myself (but a moderate version) but it wouldn’t last long enough and would go away before I ever had a chance to do anything about it. And these spells were always random, nothing seemed to cause them. This would happen every 2 months or so. Hasn’t happened for a while but I still sometimes feel how I described above, for a couple of days then that goes away. Not sure about the time frame or how often this happens as I find it hard to keep track even writing it down.
As it is now, I sleep about 10 or sometimes more hours every night and still feel tired. I sleep 7-9 usually if I work early and don’t feel any worse but I’ll sleep a solid 12 hours after a couple nights of that (I always wake up a couple times during the night though). I’ve lost 10 pounds in a few months not trying but I’m pretty sure that’s not related to anything, just been working more so have less time to eat bad stuff lol. I don’t have a particularly healthy diet in general though so maybe that’s part of my problem? Yet I’ve had blood tests and never tested low for any important vitamins or minerals. I haven’t felt like riding my horse or doing too much else in a while but it’s winter so I could also put it down to that. But I enjoy (most of the time) watching tv or hanging out with my family. I can’t stand sitting still doing nothing most of the time. I do feel sad quite a bit, sometimes it’s after everyone goes to bed or if something happens to make me upset but other times it seems like there’s no reason.
I can still laugh and have fun with my family but then I feel worse when I’m alone. But sometimes I don’t want to talk or be around too many people (never applies to my family).
Also, if I have a day off and have a plan for the day (like working on a video, even though that’s not important and I could do it anytime) and then something else turns up that I have or want to do (like looking at new insulin pumps since I’m diabetic, something I hate doing, or going to look at kittens [my old cat passed away recently so we’re looking into getting a couple of kittens], something I love to do but bothers me anyway if I had a different idea for how the day was going to go), I get stressed out feeling like I don’t have time for everything.
I would like to know if any of this could be related to some form of depression. I can’t relate to much when people describe their major depression symptoms because I’m really not that bad. But I still have a feeling that something isn’t right. But maybe that’s just normal and what I’m experiencing is regular everyday sadness. I’m too scared to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want anyone to think that I’m ungrateful or that I’m trying to belittle mental illness and trying to make how I feel seem worse than it is, because I can still function normally, sometimes it’s just harder. And I know people with clinical depression feel much worse than I do but I don’t know, something just doesn’t feel right.
Trying online tests doesn’t help because they ask “for the last 2 weeks” and it either doesn’t last that long or I can’t remember how I felt over the past 2 weeks. Writing it down doesn’t help either because I can think I’m okay but then a couple days later I’m thinking “wow I feel much better today”. On the other hand if it’s not bad enough to remember or be able to write down then it can’t really be that bad can it?
Sorry, I know this is really long and all over the place and I’m not sure it makes much sense. It’s really hard for me to describe but I tried my best. I’m just very confused and really I want to know whether what I feel is completely normal and if anyone else has ever questioned their mental health this way.
i feel like someone should just tell me I’m imagining things and that I’m fine and nothing is wrong with me but I can’t help feeling like theres something. I guess I’m really looking for suggestions for what could cause me to feel this way? Sorry if this is the wrong place to put this. Thanks for any replies.
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