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    First post for me. I think I'm going to go point form just to let you get a picture.
    I turn 60 this year, suffered depression since I was 4
    Also, fibromyalgia and anxiety since 80's
    Grief is knocking on my door, my mom just over two years and my friend of 45 years last year.
    My oldest son is a constant worry with schizophrenia.
    My marriage has broken up, we separated almost a year ago. On our 36th anniversary. Only we live on the same property.
    My husband blames everything on my depression. I feel like a pathetic loser and like I have been cast aside broken. For some reason I have a lot of acquaintances, and no friends. I have given my entire life to my marriage and am living alone for the first time ever.
    I have been thinking that maybe my family would understand if I committed suicide. This is not a good sign for me and that is why I am here.
    I can't stop crying or find joy or energy.

    Hello Seashell and welcome. I too have a lot of acquaintances and few true friends. Part of that is my fault as I feel as if I've been burned many times before by supposed friends and I don't want to put myself out there. Probably doesn't make sense to a lot of people, but it leaves me in a safe spot that I am content with so I figure why change things. It takes work to maintain friends and sometimes I just don't have the energy. Not good excuses , but they are the only ones that I have. Also some people make and keep friends very easily( I'm not one of those people). I find that I make and keep acquaintances and that satisfies my need for social contact.

    It's always tough to lose a friend and/or some relatives. You have my sympathies. In regards to your husband blaming you. Unfortunately that happens. But just because it happens doesn't make it right. There are lots of physical problems that could leave us unable to continue life as we once knew it. I mean whether it is a physical illness or a mental one, the results may be the same . We are incapacitated for a length of time in some way and it's not our fault. Your husband could just as easily came down with a physical ailment that will leave him unable to do much.

    Sorry to hear about your son. I can understand it being a constant worry, our son has bipolar(as do I).

    In regards to ending it all, Not good thoughts, people will miss you. If you can't stop crying etc you need to talk with your doc about a different antidepressant or a different cocktail of medications, It took me years to find the right combo of meds and now I have more good days than bad and I'm glad my suicide attempts were failures.

    Don't give up on your self. I thought that I would never be happy either, but things did eventually change. The illness is not your fault nor is it fair to apply label and say that this or that was your fault. A mental illness is not something we ask for . Take Care. paul m

    "Alone we can do so little;
    Together we can do so much"
    Helen Keller


      Thanks for your input, I don't take meds any more, I find that the side effects too bad and complicate other medical conditions.