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Here we go again

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    Here we go again

    My boyfriend and I have had major relationship problems in the past. And here we go again. I feel sick about it. I don't know if there's hope for us or not. I can't even think straight. My emotions are in a turmoil.. I'm drawing on my faith and friends, and whatever support I can get. It gets me through the day but it doesn't change a thing.

    Today I read some of my past journal entries. I see that I have personal stumbling blocks that may sink any relationship I try to have with anyone. I've gone for help, he's gone for help, we've gone for help together, and it always comes back to emotional issues I can't seem to get past. I end up thinking I'll never be anything but mixed up, out of step. and incapable of sustaining my part in a healthy relationship.

    I don't want to lose my boyfriend because of my wonkiness/craziness/illness/issues but it looks like that's exactly what's happening. I don't blame him though. He didn't make me this way, and he doesn't need the grief I seem to bring to his life. He deserves happiness, and maybe the best way I can love him is to let him go, if that's what he decides. My heart is breaking here, but I'm pretty sure his has already broken and he's had enough. He says he doesn't want to be around me, talk to me or text with me. I don't know if we have broken up, or he just needs a break from me (it has happened before). I don't know if I'll hear from him again. Meanwhile, I leave on a week-long trip in a few days.

    If he doesn't get in touch before I leave, do I go against his request and try to contact him, or take him at his word and leave him alone? If I try to contact him what might come of it? What kind of shape will I be in to go on a trip? If I don't, and am full of uncertainly, what kind of shape will I be in? What if I wait, and try after I get home? No clear answer. No right way.

    This is one of those times when I have to hang on to the roller coaster really tight and do whatever I can to preserve some kind of peace of mind, even a bit here and there, enough to get me through the next few days, and not think too far beyond or I'll be in an even worse state. One day at a time, maybe one hour at a time.

    I hate this.

    If you've read this far, thank you. Just putting it out there has done me a small bit of good, and as always I'm so very grateful for this forum.

    Last edited by uni; April 11th, 2019, 12:30 PM. Reason: Trying to find the right words
    uni

    ~ it's always worth it ~

    #2
    I"m sorry to hear about your relationship challenges Uni. I've certainly had my share. The one thing I might suggest, if someone says they don't want to talk or txt or be around you, they should give you a time frame (otherwise it's not unreasonable to ask for one), and tell you the intent behind the desire to have no contact. It has left you hanging, and that's not fair.
    AJ

    Humans punish themselves endlessly
    for not being what they believe they should be.
    -Don Miguel Ruiz-

    Comment


      #3
      Thank you AJ. What you say makes perfect sense. I didn't even think of looking at it that way.

      I'm still not sure what I'll do, have to calm down a bit yet. But some point, unless he reaches out first, I'll contact him about time frame (and possibly one or two other things). Provided he even answers.

      Anyway I got through today by not being home alone for most of it. Went to a support group meeting and did some volunteer work and lunched in a food court with some ladies I know. Sat in my car and called a friend on my cellphone (bless her patient heart and ears). I also wandered around half-heartedly looking at clothes and ended up buying a new blouse to take on my trip. On sale, as it happens.

      So some good things did happen today. Unfortunately through it all I felt sick inside. I need to cry but no tears will come. Oh, forgot to say I took myself for an 11 minute walk this evening. Timed myself. Haven't done that in far too long.
      uni

      ~ it's always worth it ~

      Comment


        #4
        I understand the need to cry and the lack of tears. Crying to me is a form of letting go, and that can be scary!
        AJ

        Humans punish themselves endlessly
        for not being what they believe they should be.
        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

        Comment


          #5
          That is true AJ. This morning I did shed a few tears (but only a few), thanks to CBC radio. They played a wonderful rendition of the gospel tune "I Saw the Light". I love that song, so it touched my heart, but also made me sad because I've heard it played at funerals. A while later, they did a show about organ donation, and the gratitude that some recipients had toward one young man whose organs now allow them to have a better life.

          There has been no word from my boyfriend so far, and I've decided to leave things be for now, and carry on with my trip. It took a visit to the mental health walk-in clinic on Friday to get some perspective and decide what to do. I will see what the situation is when I return in a week or so. Until then, I'm doing my best to keep occupied, and stay connected with supportive friends.
          uni

          ~ it's always worth it ~

          Comment


            #6
            I hope you can enjoy your trip in spite of the boyfriend 'issues'. Staying connected to your support system is so important, especially in tough times.
            AJ

            Humans punish themselves endlessly
            for not being what they believe they should be.
            -Don Miguel Ruiz-

            Comment


              #7
              Thanks AJ. I imagine I'll enjoy the trip for the most part. Not sure how much access I'll have to the forum so I may not be on here for a week or so. Time will tell how things go; all I can do is my part, which I'm doing the best I know how. For now that's ok.
              uni

              ~ it's always worth it ~

              Comment


                #8
                Doing the best you know how is definitely a good approach. All we can really ever ask of ourselves is to do our part.
                AJ

                Humans punish themselves endlessly
                for not being what they believe they should be.
                -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                Comment


                  #9
                  Hello Uni. Somehow I missed your posts. I am sorry to hear about you and your boyfriend. You are probably on your trip now and i hope that you are enjoying it. When you get back enough time should have elapsed for you B?F to have made up his mind whether to contact you or not. In the meantime I wish you well. Take Care. paul m
                  "Alone we can do so little;
                  Together we can do so much"
                  Helen Keller

                  Comment


                    #10
                    The best relationship and break up advice I've received is to honor what the other person has said. So if your boyfriend has asked not to contact him, don't contact him. I know this is probably so hard to do and painful to say the least because he hasn't clarified whether you guys are broken up or not but be patient. I'm sorry you're going through this and experiencing so much pain and confusion.

                    Comment


                      #11
                      Thanks for the encouraging words everyone, I appreciate them

                      Without going into the whole scenario of what has transpired since I last posted, we decided yesterday to take a month "break" to not see each other, and come to our own conclusions about the relationship. This "time out" or whatever you want to call it is not something I'm familiar with. I do know that it's either this or end things, so we'll do this. I have no idea what will come of it. I need a bit of time for the idea to sink in.

                      I heard something at a support group tonight that made me realize I don't even know what my needs are! I've lost touch with them somewhere along the way. How can I expect someone to give me what I need when I can't even explain what that is? Good grief. I see some journaling in my near future...

                      uni

                      ~ it's always worth it ~

                      Comment


                        #12
                        I hope the 'break' helps you to sort out what your needs are, and whether this is the person you want to get that support from and have a healthy relationship with.

                        I'm going thru some stuff with extended family myself, and see journaling in my immediate future too!
                        AJ

                        Humans punish themselves endlessly
                        for not being what they believe they should be.
                        -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                        Comment


                          #13
                          Thanks AJ. Good luck to us both with our journaling!
                          uni

                          ~ it's always worth it ~

                          Comment


                            #14
                            Hello Uni. Good Luck with both your thoughts and your jouranling.. Take Care. paul m
                            "Alone we can do so little;
                            Together we can do so much"
                            Helen Keller

                            Comment


                              #15
                              Yes I'll second that Uni.
                              AJ

                              Humans punish themselves endlessly
                              for not being what they believe they should be.
                              -Don Miguel Ruiz-

                              Comment

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