Sigh

[AJ]

Thanks Uni.

[AJ]

Well, I went to my appt. on Wednesday. I was honest with my Pdoc and told her how suicidal I've been. She left it up to me to go to ER or call mobile response team if needed. She is out of her office next week, but she said I could call in and they'd get a hold of her if needed.

I just can't find my way out of this dark hole. I just feel so hopeless. The longer this goes on the worse the hopelessness is. I usually ride these things out, but this has been going on quite some time. Sigh.

One breath at a time is the only way I get through the day.

Sorry to be so dreary.

[Determined]

No need to apologize AJ. I know my last plunge into darkness lasted much longer than before and was much more intense than I remembered. I really didn't think I was going to pull through this time and was living much the same as you; was so relieved when the end of the day rolled around and I could get a break by sleeping.

Did your pdoc suggest any other coping mechanisms to help you get to the end of this rough patch? I am far from knowledgeable about treatment options but I do know I was getting frustrated to the point of trying anything to help with my recovery. One day of feeling so awful is too much but to go week after week is just plain torture. It just completely boggled my mind when I considered the levels of suffering that are endured by those afflicted with mood disorders and it is made even worse when there is so little relief in sight. Do you think going into hospital would benefit your current situation?

I'm really sorry that you have been struggling with this for such a long period but you do have my utmost respect in handling it with such perseverance. I am so hoping and praying that you will get some relief real soon.

[uni]

AJ, I don't look at what you posted as being dreary at all. All I see is that you have depression and are posting about the reality of it. I admire your perseverance so much. How has your sleep been lately? I know that some good sleep can make a marked difference, so just wondering.

I *so* wish that the bad feelings lift, even a bit, very soon

[AJ]

Thanks Determined and Uni.

I struggle every day, many times a day with the idea of going to the ER. I just keep hoping that things will turn around soon. I'm stubborn. That's probably where my perseverance comes from. There you go, I haven't totally lost my sense of humour.

My sleep is short and interrupted. I guess that's better than none. I take clonazepam sometimes just to get a break from not sleeping well.

Tomorrow I have to mow the lawn. The physical exercise is a good distraction. I'm also going to take my dog to the park with some friends. Forcing myself to be social ( my dog really needs a run in the park) is also good for me.

So here goes another night. To sleep per chance to dream... Isn't that from Shakespeare?

[Determined]

Yea, I hear ya AJ. I know there's nothing I'd rather do than hang around ER for several hours waiting to see a doctor. I think we may all have a stubborn streak in us which may have a lot to do in keeping us going.

Enjoy your outing today.

[AJ]

Thanks Determined.

There was a skunk in the yard this AM. Stinky. Thankfully my dog wasn't out when he/she came to visit!

[Determined]

Yikes, you never know when those striped kitties will show up. I will never forget the smell of a freshly skunked dog.

[AJ]

That's what I'm afraid of. Last time when my dog saw a skunk in the yard she went after it. The skunk charged at her and my dog, Bella, got scared and ran into the house. Whew! Was it your dog Determined? Is it true that you're supposed to bath them in tomato juice? I hope they don't have another encounter. Bella may not be so scared next time.

[Determined]

Yes it was. We let him out the back door and a skunk caught him by surprise. I don't even think he had a chance to move. We tried tomato juice among other things but the smell lingered for a long time. Apparently there are some new shampoos out there that are supposed to work really well.

[AJ]

I saw my family MD today. My Blood pressure is up and may require an increase in dose or change of med. Geez.

I told her how I've been feeling and she made me promise to go to ER if needed. She did have a suggestion. She suggested I think about care for Bella if I did need to go to the hospital. It's one of the things that holds me back from going, besides being stubborn.

[Christina]

Hi AJ. Sorry to hear your blood pressure is up.
I agree with your family doctor, look into getting care for Bella so that you will be at ease if you go into the hospital. I think the guilt of leaving her may be holding you back.
Nobody likes to go to the hospital but sometimes its the best solution.
Take care of yourself.

[AJ]

Thanks Christina.

[uni]

Hi AJ . I suppose it stands to reason that your blood pressure is up, given the stress you've been under. And I get that you're reluctant to look at alternatives for Bella, but thinking about possible arrangements wouldn't mean you have to use them.

It's one of the things that holds me back from going, besides being stubborn.

I think we may all have a stubborn streak in us which may have a lot to do in keeping us going.

I agree, stubbornness does have its uses! We don't see how amazing we've been until later when looking at what we've come through

[AJ]

You're right Uni. Planning alternate arrangements doesn't mean I have my PJs packed.