New Lifestyle change

[saweeet]

I'm going to try to go to the doc on wednesday, thats the soonest i can do it, other than going to the hospital. Just due to my work schedule.
i'm just hoping that i get my doc instead of the stupid one that barely talks to u and just gives you meds. can't stand doc's like that

[Woody]

Depending on the type of twitching it could be Tardive Dyskinesia but my Ex mother-in-law had facial tics and she was not on any medication. For her it always got worse when she was in an room where A/C was on. Talk to your doctor.

i feel like i'm working to much, and i'm getting burnt out. But i've found the best way to stay on track is keeping myself completely busy. But i'm finding the older i get, the less i can bounce back.

According to your profile, you are still just a pup For me, back in the spring of 2004, I had an endless amount of energy. I would go go go. I would not matter if I sleep or not. I could have gone toe to toe with that annoying little bunny and put it to shame. Now Was it age (andropause) or was it my body that finally said 'you idiot, there is nothing left'! Hard to say...

Our bodies are constantly changing and I have had to re-adjust my thinking and the expectations I impose on myself. I cannot remember your Dx, but in both depression and BP there is a component of levels of energy. The only thing that I can recommend is when things are good, enjoy it, but do not abuse it, because you never know what is around the corner...

[paul m]

Hello Woody. You said it well about our bodies constantly changing. Take Care. paul m

[saweeet]

You make some good points. I've just spent the last couple years fixing my mistakes, and i basically put my head down and work my butt off everyday for almost three years. I could control things better, because i knew i had to get up the next day and deal with peoples lives.
Once i start to slow down, i find thats when i get more attacks and my addictions gets out of control. I took today off, cause i just couldn't do it, i worked the last two days completely exhausted, so i stayed in bed till i couldn't sleep anymore. and i feel good, relaxed and energized, but i feel bad for not going to work, but it was the only shift i could count on finding a replacement for. the rest of the shift, would have been difficult, due to the client in general.

other then the issue with my addictions, things seem to have calmed down, the new medication is working good, the tic's went away, haven't got them in a couple days, it could have been stress of all the work.

i go see my addiction councilor and pdoc tomorrow, and work. Don't know how i do it some days.

I may seem like a pup by age, but I've experienced the harsh reality of life, probably more then most have by my age, and because of that and working to much i feel old. LOL

[paul m]

Hello Saweet. One other thing is bipolar can change on us as we age, it can get better(we wish) it can get worse or it can come at us from a different angle all together and confuse us yet again.

These are things that few docs warn us of when we are trying to find solutions to our illness. I would say that I know more people who got much worse before they got better, than I do people who got better right away with treatment.

I often thought my life would have been easier if the initial doc had sat me down and said"Paul, you have a life threatening illness, that may take many years of hard work to overcome". Maybe nothing would have changed, but at least then I would have had a clearer view of my future instead of the rosy and inaccurate one I was lead to believe for so long. Take Care. paul m

[saweeet]

i was misdiagnosed for years, as just having depression. Mainly cause they assumed the manic attacks were associated with the drugs i was doing at the time. And I'm sure that it was part of it.

But instead of getting me into to see a professional when i started having suicide tendencies and lots of highs and lows, my family ignored it, as they were afraid of the label that would be placed on me.

I wish i was diagnosed 7 years ago, I'm sure it would have made some what of a difference, maybe not completely, as at that point i was in denial about everything including my drug addictions, but at least i would have been assessed correctly and placed on the right journey of finding the proper medication and the the right steps in making my life as manageable as possible. Maybe i would have understood more of what was going on, then just assuming i was crazy, due to the situation i would get involved with. And these situations were things i would never do under normal circumstances. Which is basically my ex, who i spent 5 years with. And no one could understand why i stayed in such a dangerous, abusive relationship. It wasn't love, he just convinced me that i was crazy, and he was the best i was going to get out of life. If i live the rest of my life single, i will have a better life then being with him. He destroyed everything i worked so hard for, and starting fresh, makes me realized i won't make those mistakes again.

I have a hard road ahead of me, and at this point in my life I'm doing ok. But i know situations that are based on a lot of stress trigger my manic attacks, and may will be a hard time. due to my brother in law death, and one of my uncle is extremely ill, and they don't expect him to last more then 2 months.

I seen my addictions councilor today, and I'm glad I'm going to her. She sees the positive strengths in me, then the negative. As much as I'm finding it hard to deal with all these negative addictions, and the bipolar. I have to look to the future in a positive nature.

My biggest is fault is that as much as i want to change. I can't see that change being possible in the future. I've lived through many terrible things, and as much as i don't see my self as a strong person. I am. I have survived, and each day is a struggle, but i do get through it, and work slowly towards my goals. I need to learn that things take time, and even if i want something now, i need to take a step back and do it the right way.

BTW i took Zeus to doggy school yesterday. He is the bad dog out of the 9 of us. He barked and growled the whole time. Everyone sat on the other end of the shop/training area, while i sat by myself. Silly doggy. I felt embarrassed but really this is why I'm paying for training sessions. At least while he was doing it, he was sitting or laying down. I didn't have to hold him back like a couple other people did with there dogs. So that is a positive. I guess i don't seem him as being aggressive, cause he is a good dog at home. Its just taking him outside for walks or meeting new people, that causes me issues. Stay tuned till next weeks doggy school!!!!

[paul m]

Hello Saweet. A lot of us were misdiagnosed for years and often our illnesses were made worse by the drugs the docs gave us.

We all have to live through our past and our present and hope the best for the future. I cannot give you any concrete advice on how to manage all of your personal demons and get them into line.

I don't even know if I've done the best job I could with my own life, all I can do is fight things one day at a time.

The future is going to come whether we want it to or not, bringing with it a lot of unwanted things. Some will be surprises, others will be things we just have trouble dealing with.

You have learned how to survive, not everyone does, take pride in that. It is a very tough skill to learn without adding a chronic and difficult illness.

I hope Zeus ends up top of his class. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

In 98 I was Dx with depression and put on an antidepressant. Not long after that the an antidepressant flip me over... I figured I was cured went off my meds and stop seeing my Pdoc. Fast forward to the spring of 2004 and CRASH.

Change is not easy. It is not easy when your well, never mind when your not. If I look back myself anytime there has been any significant changes it has not been because I got up and said 'today I will...', it because of some kind of calamity or another where I had no other choice but to make changes.

We are often our worse critic ... be gentile with yourself

[saweeet]

I know i'm hard on myself. There are things i can't control and things i can. I find the ones that i should be able to control, i'm having the hardest time dealing with.

I need to keep telling myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark it seems at times.

And that if i can give it the effort it requires, that i can achieve anything. Its just taking that step where i finally say "today is the day" and push through those hard times.

I just can't seem to figure out the best way to do it. Quiting everything at once doesn't work, and doing things one at a time doesn't either.

My biggest issue is getting rid of the things that enable me to continue doing the drugs and the gambling.

The gambling i have a plan, well kinda lol. I need to find like a piggy bank, and when i pull money from my account, i can stick it in there and use it for my extra car payments. I haven't figured out how its going to work yet, but i will. It will need to be something i can safely put in my car.

Because its going to take minimal at least a year to get my house, so getting a new car is my short term goal. I just need to pay off whats left on my car, and wait for some things to come off my credit report. So im thinking 6 months is a good time table on that. And Thats a huge motivator. Mainly cause it will be the first HUGE purchase ill have done on my own without a co-signer, i don't care how bad the interest rate could be. I need something bigger due to ZEUS.

The drugs.....i need to stop seeing my boyfriend. It's not an easy decision to make, and its one thats going to be hard to explain to him. But at this point, i need to try and be clean, and he can't say no to me. So i need to do it for him. No one can guarantee the future, and i know he'll want to wait for me, he's said it before. But right now, i do need to do whats best for me.

Its not really the issue of the pot. Its what can happen due to it. Which is going back to cocaine. Ill always be an addict when it comes to that. And i know deep down, if i get weak and do it. It may take a lot to bring me back. And that is something i don't want, and im deathly afraid of.

I was able to quit it many times without rehab, and i don't want to lose everything i've worked so hard for. Plus i don't want to disappoint everyone again. As much as im the type to do as i please and not care what some people think. I've hurt my family enough, and thats what keeps me trying over and over again to get everything right.

i feel like i talk more about my addictions then my bipolar, but i feel that they are connected. I do more gambling and drugs during the manic and depression stages of my illness. When i'm doing ok, its easier to control. And it helps for me to write here, so when things aren't going good, i can look back, and see the right way to respond to situations.

thanks

jackie

[uni]

Hello Jackie. Thank you for sharing with such honesty. It sounds like there's a lot happening in your world right now. I wish you the best in whatever decisions you make or turns you take.

Just coming to the forums and typing away some of my stresses and worries can be like a kind of medicine. I can breathe easier, literally, and feel like a physical weight has been lifted.

My boyfriend tells me, when I spill some of my troubles to him, "a burden shared is a burden halved". I think there's something to that.

I look forward to hearing more from you and Zeus. How are the doggie classes going with your unruly student?

[paul m]

Hello Jackie. I wish you well with your goals. Take Care. paul m

[Woody]

Something you might want to consider is getting a copy of your credit report if you have not done it already and marking your calendar with the dates when things listing are about to come off. Sometime you have to give the credit agencies a little nudge to get them to clear line items.

You seem to have a clear direction as to the whats and whens...

ONE DAY AT A TIME
Today is the most important day of your life. Use it.
Forget yesterday – and don’t worry about what might happen tomorrow.

[Atlantis]

Hi Jackie,

Hang in there, i am struggling with the gambling addiction right along with you, we can do this, the most important thing is to keep trying everyday...

[saweeet]

i try and stay out of the city's by myself. I had to go there yesterday and ended up in teh casino.

I did gamble, but not enough to put myself in a bind, i just gambled my extra money away. But i'm getting better. At least i was able to stop myself when i hit that limit.

So i picked a D-day for my smoking, my gambling and my drug use. Its may 1, i'm trying before hard to try and control these. But May 1, is when there is no excuses left.

Today's a sad day, its my brother in law birthday. So i'm at work kinda wishing i wasn't. But we are having a poker night party in honor of him. So i will be getting a little tanked.

Other than that, things are going good. See my doc on friday about concerns over my face spasm, as well as the anixty attacks i'm having. And pregnancy test. which i hope is negative.

Wait and see i guess.

Jackie

[saweeet]

So i'm going threw huge with drawls with the drugs and smoking making me seriously bitchy. But other than that, the medication has kept me stable. Havn't hit a manic attack in a long time, i'm so happy about that.

but i did do an impulse buy and Bought new car but i'm loving it, and so is zeus, way more room for him. Other than that i'm just working like crazy!!!

Haven't been online much cause my homework for the next two weeks is not using internet at home. Stops me from easy access for gambling. so i have to wait till i have time at work.

ttyl