New Lifestyle change

[Atlantis]

Hi Jackie,

It's nice to hear from you i am sorry to hear you are not feeling well but i am glad that you are joining up in a boot camp, exercise is so good for the body and the mind.

That's great news about the smokes, only 5 all day, impressive, i have 5 gone before 9 am, sigh...I'll tackle that issue when I'm ready .

[saweeet]

I found with the smoking, that it wasn't a matter of me wanting to smoke, it was the social part of it. So i've stopped smoking around everyone else and only do it when i really crave it. So i've gone 4 days with a pack so far and i just started the second half of it. so its going good.

its good that something positive is going on.

The whole having to go to mental health makes me a little sad, i'm trying to do all this without going to tons of meetings a week, but if i have to go i have to.

I told my addictions councilor that i felt like i should have died instead of my brother in law, and she got really concerned. I'm not saying i want to hurt myself, its how i feel, and i've felt this over the last year.

I feel like no matter how hard i try, i'm always taking one step forward and two steps back. I'm frustrated and pissed off at the world.

And i don't want to be, because being the way i am, hurts other people in my life. Main reason why i broke up with my boyfriend. he's nice and all, but as much as i want to love him i don't. And i don't see it being fair for someone to have to deal with my issues if i'm not completely into the whole relationship. But i feel lonely now. So i go and see him anyways. Totally not fair to him, but i think, he think ill change my mind like i always do, but i can't. I thought being with someone i don't care about would be easier then being in love, but i want that crazy can't live with out him feeling again. This time i want it with someone who isn't a bad person.

I hate feeling crazy and out of control, and im just plain tired of trying to get this stuff fixed. And i know i've only really been trying to fix everything, and deal with my bipolar for the last year, but even knowing i have bipolar doesn't make anything i've done easier to deal with. It just gives people excuses for my behavior. which isn't right. in the end i choose to do these things to myself. And until i know how to control myself, i will not get better.


jackie

[paul m]

Hello Jackie. I cannot comment directly on your experiences as I'm not you, so what follows are just my observations of myself or others around me.

In regards to love. Love's great and it certainally helps kick start a relationship, but I've found the happiest marriages are the ones where true friendship also takes place. That true friendship takes a long time to develop, certainally longer than it takes to fall in love initially(on average).

I fell in love with my wife and now she is also my best friend. Just love probably would not have held us together during the really difficult times. If love was all it took, I should have married my first G/F when I was 14 and saved myself all that agony of dating.

Studies have shown that as many arranged marriages result in long term loving relationship as do the marriages where couples fall in love first and then marry. Both ways are fraught with perils, but commitment and respect are a huge part of any relationship.

In regards to controlling ourselves. The very first step is too admit that we have a major illness. You've done that. The second step is to realize that changing one's life and getting better takes time and patience. That step can be a really difficult one to learn. Those two simple steps took me a very long time to conquer. We all make mistakes as we try to get better, it's also hard not to be self critical.

Keep fighting. You have a difficult time in front of you, but your worth it. Take Care. paul m

[saweeet]

Does anyone feel very antisy being on mood stabilizers. I find i'm not having the manic attacks like i usually do, but i feel very antisy. Like i'm trapped inside a box and i can't get out. And when i don't feel like that i have extremely bad depression.

I'm going to see one of those doctors that specializes in dealing with medications in June, but i feel the depression is taking over everything. I've done what i can do for getting rid of stress, by cutting back on work and other commitments.

Im not sure i can keep going feeling like this. I try everything i can think of to get out of this depression but its not working.

Ive tried to do what my pdoc suggests, but it still doesn't help. And as much as i understand medications can help. I don't want to be drugged up so bad that i lose sight of who i am.

I'm confused and lost in this world of craziness that i feel.

[AJ]

Deep breath Saweeet. Refresh my memory, what meds are you on? By antisy do you feel anxious or restless, or both? What kind of specialist are you seeing in June? When is your next appt. with your P.doc? Do you see a t.doc?
What other support or resources do you have? Forgive me if you've told us all this. A little short on memory.

[gtchamp]

Hi Saweeet. So sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. That feeling of being ansy and trapped is awful. I know it very well. It usually means I am hypomanic (not saying you are). I find that exercise, like a good walk, helps to alleviate it. However, usually I need my meds altered. Hang in there, it will get better.

As for love...I think you grow into love. My husband and I were friends first and I wasn't even sure I wanted to date him but I'm glad we did. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Thinking of you
Tracey

[paul m]

Hello Saweet. You have my sympathies, you are in a tough spot. I don't like being drugged up either, but I do find that sometimes I have to put up with more meds than I like in order to give my brain a chance to settle.

If I broke my arm, I probably wouldn't like it being in a cast either. I would try for the lighest one avaailable that would do the job and I'd wear it only as long as I absolutely had to. Brain meds can be the same, the lightest dose that will do the job for the shortest time, but sometimes that what we have to do.

I take a lot of meds, but I don't take near as much as I once did when I was really ill. Sometimes it is possible to cut back. Take Care. paul m

[Sweetest1]

Saweet

I have nothing wise to add, I hate how my meds make me feel too. Try to live it day to day and do the best you can with what you have same as we all do.


Keep us posted on how you're doing k?

again cuz I can.

Rebecca

[sapphire921]

I so totally relate Saweet...I am pretty much in the same boat you are right now.
know you're not alone!
Bobbi

[Atlantis]

Hi Jackie,
It's so nice to hear from you, I missed you

Just try and catch up with me, I'm taking 6 different meds ...

[saweeet]

I am going to see a physiologist on the 16th of June. He's going review my medications, because the doctors just keep adding medications that aren't working.

I go to mental health now once a week, which was highly suggested by my addictions councilor. As she is not trained in dealing with mental illnesses. Its kinda of hard to see this new girl at mental health. Mainly cause I've dealt with her before with my client i work with. So having to revile how i think and feel to her is weird, plus she's a touchy feely kind of person, and I'm so not like that.

I'm trying to do what i can on my own till then. I'm in the process of finding a new doctor, due to the minimal 3 week wait for the one i currently see. and to me thats way to long to wait if something needs to be adjusted with my medication.

The depression I'm in, is slowly taking its toll on me. I spend all my days in bed until 4 or 5. The i get up and do some stuff, and usually back in bed by 10ish. I feel so drained, and when I'm not feeling like that, i feel like i'm trapped in a box that i can't get out of. I think its the medication stopping a manic attack. But feeling all this anxiety is worse i think then dealing with the manic. At least i was use to the way i was. I knew who i was. Now I'm dealing with someone i don't know, and its not something i like.

[Atlantis]

I have been going through something similar to you to Jackie...The lithium is controlling my manic symptoms very well, very, very, very well...Somedays I barely have the drive to even get started in the morning and life seems so black and white...i hope this feeling will pass soon...I don't like it at all...I also have lots of anxiety and I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

[saweeet]

That's how i feel.

At least when i have to work, i can get up and do my job. But doing that takes so much out of me.

I hate these waiting games, in dealing with my medications. Id rather deal with it now, not 2 weeks from now. Many things can happen by then.

[uni]

for Saweet

[Atlantis]

What are you hoping the doc will do? An increase, decrease or med change? Or do you just want to chat with him about how the med is making you feel?