rough day

[Robbietwin]

Anne,
I am saddened by your post! I can totally relate! One thing is when we (ok me) are not on meds, there is so many possible outcomes. One thing that has been brought up and not sure if this applies to you but the money... I have spent so much on crazy things and trips. My husband will not let me have any (ok very little) control of the finances! It is very difficult to not be able to have any independence in that way! I also suffered from hyper ***uality! Which isn't healthy for a marriage either. And one more thing... the coming down phase... that was the worst part! I would end up every time in the hospital! I know I am not on meds at this point BUT I am also in the depressed phase, if/when I go hyper mania to full mania my spouse will be the first one to get me to the doctor. One blessing about this illness is we seem to able to see it coming (mostly)!
The point is, I have been in the depressed phase for more than year (most of that time was spent in the bottom of a bottle or other more damaging drugs), so NOT taking the meds is no better (for me). Please hang in there and keep us all posted!

[paul m]

Hello Everybody. I'm going to say a couple of things as to how they apply to me and not anybody else. They are not a criticism nor a holy writ handed down from on high, merely how bipolar affected me.

My highs and lows over the years have lasted from a couple of days to mths. Sometimes there were long periods of being normal, sometimes there was none. My depressions tended to come on slowly, but my mania always came on fast. Even though I now know the signs and some of the triggers, I still sometimes have difficulty catching my self.(antidepressants make it super fast)

I never enjoyed my highs, perhaps temporarily, but not for the full duration of the high. I tended to be a miserable SOB and the higher I got the more paranoid I became, definitely not fun. One can be quite sane to others, yet quite insane to yourself. I also suffered a lot from mixed states.

Along the way I've spent money like water, thought marriage vows were something for other people, been arrested, alientated nearly every person I know, and I've tried to commit suicide.

Getting better was a lot of work for me. Partly because I was stubborn, partly because I was stupid, partly because my illness was difficult and a large part because it was very hard to learn anything about bipolar. Unfortunately it still is.

So for everyone who is still suffering, this is a very difficult illness. It varies from day to day within us and it also varies from person to person making it difficult to treat. But hang in there, if I can get better, you can too. I have no special abilities, in fact I am a bad patient. It will be tough, but worth it. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

for Anne

[A.E.V.]

the last two days have been nice. I can't say they were good or awesome, but they were nice.
I saw my sister and nieces yesterday which always helps! her youngest is now three months old and cute as a button. needless to say her giggles brightened up my day.

I know better than to keep my hopes up because feeling ok usually lasts a few days tops, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts.

[paul m]

I'm glad a few days of sunshine came your way, you deserve it. Take Care. paul m

[AJ]

Glad to hear you've had a couple of better days Anne.

[Woody]

That good Anne

[leila63]

Hi Anne,

Serenity sure is meant to be treasured. Glad things are going better.

[uni]

I hate mental illness, but I love the way you guys describe things so clearly, in only the way somebody who has been there can do.

Paul, I'm grateful you were unsuccessful in attempting suicide. Apparently your work here is not yet done!

leila63, I like what you say about serenity. I do a short daily reading of one sort or another, and today's began with the sentence "When things which usually upset me don't get to me, I know I have a hold on serenity." How encouraging those moments are.

Anne - wishing serenity for you.

[paul m]

Thankyou for your comment Uni. It's one of the nicest things anybody has ever said to me. Thankyou paul m

[Bunny]

I'm so glad I found this site...
Hearing all of your stories makes me realize how normal my mom is in all of this. So many of your comments are familiar sentiments or feelings she has described to me.
Thank you for helping me, and educating me, and for helping my mom have someone who understands just a little bit better...
Bunny

[paul m]

Hello Bunny. I'm glad that you've joined our community. Your comments and questions have added to our forum. Take Care. paul m

[A.E.V.]

oh dear, oh dear... never a dull moment!
I went from totally listless and depressed to being a hyper, wacky money spending machine.
I had to go to the pdoc on wednesday - between two patients - to be told that it's probably my body reacting to no having anymore Lamictal in my system. either way, he put up my Invega until I can see him again next week so we can decide what he will give me to replace the Lamictal.

I've started having the guilt about putting people through the wringer with this demanding illness... I've discovered that people can to some extent deal with someone who is extremely depressed, but cannot deal with someone slightly manic or hypomanic. so I am having this guilt about asking too much, and wasting their precious time. they have never said it to me, but it's how I feel.

I've been keeping away from the forum, because I don't really feel like I'm contributing much when I'm constantly whining and complaining!

Anne.

[paul m]

Gosh Anne, sounds like you have bipolar. That's a pretty serious illness that can cause us to do things we really don't want to do.

Ok, on the serious side, who would you rather whine to, someone who doesn't understand , or people like us, who not only do understand, but have done the same damn thing.

You know just saying your feeling guilty probably means your a pretty good person.

It took me a long time to realize ,that sometimes when I posted complaints about my life, that there were 20 lurkers out there in cyberspace who were saying, thank God, its not just me, others feel the same way.

When you or Woody or AJ or some other poster complain about problems, I think of one of two things. A) Thats just how I feel, good gosh I'm not the only miserable feeling sob here or B) Yeah I 've felt just like that in the past, I wonder if I can help. Either one makes me feel better.

So post away, even when we whine, we often help someone, even if that help is too make them feel so not alone. Take Care. paul m P.S. I hope the Invenga helps

[uni]

Nice to hear from you Anne. If you can't feel o.k. whining and complaining here, then where can you?

I agree with Paul about the lurkers, having been one. It felt good to hear others describing their problems, in the sense that I felt less alone. It also encouraged me to join the forums.