by Jamie G.
CW: Mental Illness
Maladaptive behaviours. Mal, being the french word for bad, and adaptive being the evolutionary term for morphing to your situation in order to survive. So maladaptive behaviours are the destructive ways some people cope with life’s trials and tribulations in hopes of making it from one day to the next. Maladaptive behaviours become a pattern, an unconscious response to the pain we feel inside that seems unchangeable.
One form of maladaptive coping I used in my misguided youth was stealing, shoplifting, pretending I was Robin Hood, however you want to spin it, I was taking things that weren’t mine. It wouldn’t have been far-fetched to call me a kleptomaniac, someone who steals compulsively without forethought or remorse. Basically, I was addicted to stealing, but moreso, I was addicted to the rush stealing gave me that seemed to light up my otherwise dark and stormy soul. I will now tell the career defining and career ending story of my thievery.
One sunny Monday afternoon I was lying in the grass contemplating the complexities of life as a teenager while sipping my elixir straight out of the bottle. My best friend laid beside me, provoking my stream of unhinged thoughts and providing the much needed rationality for my self pity. We all know I should’ve been staring at a white board or giving a titillating presentation on the novel Frankenstein, but I believed I was above the status quo. Foolish.
Once the grass no longer provided solace, we decided to head to the fluorescently lit world of sliding doors that open on command for our own personal enjoyment. Let’s call it Treasure Island. Me and my best friends, we were treasure hunters. Looking for the missing pieces that would complete our frivolous collection. Walking down the isles we felt powerful, every step we took was a step in the direction towards salvation, destiny, freedom, and ultimately happiness. I was entranced, no longer aware of my friends existence or the existence of anyone else for that matter.
“This purple effervescent lipstick will give me the courage to stand up to anyone and everyone. It will wither away my reservations and let me roar like a lion anytime anyone dares to challenge me,” I say in my head as I satiate my pockets.
“This blue hair dye, it will complete me. It will make my family see me for who I really am. I will no longer feel so misunderstood and misinterpreted. Blue will make my dreams come true,” I think to myself as my eyes dart around looking for the next piece of treasure.
“An eyeshadow palette, with each new bewildering shade I will be able to see a new perspective. I will finally be able to understand other people’s perspectives and understand how it feels to walk a mile in their shoes. My tumultuous relationships will be no longer,” I say as I lull myself into a sense of false security standing smack dab in the middle of Treasure Island.
My pockets are full and my mind is finally at ease. The adrenaline, the pride, the enjoyment, it’s fulfilling like nothing else in my life was. As we waltz out the doors about to return to the mundane city streets, the security guard of Treasure Island yanks on our backpacks and looks down at us with a look that could only be described as smug with a dash of disapproval. I look at my best friend and I can tell we are both screaming on the inside, communicating with our eyes the words we cannot bare to say.
“Shit. This is it.” I thought as I was caught red handed, $250 worth of treasure that was no longer hidden in my torn up backup.”
We get escorted back into Treasure Island, but this time it feels cold, full of despair and lost opportunity. The guard was in between the both of us, one hand on each of our shoulders firming gripping us to ensure our safe arrival to the judgement room. The Treasure Island was in a nefarious location with quite a reputation for reprimanding thieves. We were one of many, but in this moment we felt like no one else could understand how fast our hearts were beating.
Once we arrived at the judgement room, our hands were locked together behind our backs as we sat in the most uncomfortable chairs they could find. I knew I couldn’t keep up the charade any longer. I had to face the facts. I was a criminal, handcuffed to a chair, and I was awaiting the police’s timely arrival. As I sat there I began to feel a wave of guilt wash over my body and weigh me down. Never in my life had such fear coursed through my veins. The police were terrifying, but what truly broke my spirit was seeing my mom’s face when she arrived to collect me and the massive fine I had been slapped with. That was still to this day one of the worst days of my life. My mom forgave me, but it took months. I am still unsure if I will ever forgive myself for that lapse in judgement.
Now I don’t believe in “morals of the story” or making everything into a teaching moment. But what I do believe is we all make choices about who we want to be. Who we are is often a reflection of how we act on our worst days. Maladaptive coping feels so good in the moment, it’s an instant release, an instant rush, an instant hit of dopamine that makes us forget. But in the long run, in the real world, we are a sum of our actions. We are how we impact the world and how we present ourselves to the world.
If you relate to this story you may want to reach out to your doctor or a family member to seek further support. While shoplifting is a problem within itself, it is usually accompanied by other mental health issues or external issues in one’s life.
For more information, check out this resource: https://psychiatry.org/news-room/apa-blogs/kleptomania
For support:
Good 2 talk for post-secondary students – Available 24 hours a day/7 days a week
Visit https://good2talk.ca/ or call 1-866-925-5454. Free confidential support services for post secondary students residing in Nova Scotia & Ontario
Kids Help Phone Available 24 hours a day/7 days a week
Visit https://kidshelpphone.ca/. Available 24 hours a day for Canadians aged 5 to 29 who want confidential and anonymous assistance from trained responders.
Hope for Wellness Help Line – Available 24 hours a day/7 days a week (Bilingual & Indigenous languages offered)
Visit https://www.hopeforwellness.ca/ or call 1-855-242-3310. Help line and online chat service available for Indigenous people residing across Canada
