Chapter 5: Families and Caregivers

The military acknowledges that families of serving members also, themselves, serve.

When a serving family member shows the signs of an Operational Stress Injury, the whole family may be upended. A person with an Operational Stress Injury may not be easy to live with and even though families may know that what they are experiencing are the results of the injury, it’s hard not to take the symptoms and behaviours personally. They may feel they are now living with a distant stranger – one who has disturbing and in some cases, frightening behaviours and angry outbursts. They also can and sometimes do, self-medicate with drugs or alcohol – or both.

Children may not know that the upsetting changes they are seeing in their parent are due to an OSI. They just feel sad and neglected. There is a name for what they (and their other family members) are feeling. It is called ambiguous grief: their parent (loved one) is there but is emotionally unavailable.

Persons with OSIs tend to isolate so they can handle, as best they can, their symptoms: hypervigilance, angry outbursts, and triggers, but this too can be hard on families. The help and support families and caregivers try to offer can be fiercely rejected.

Then, there are the children to care for. They have their own growth milestones to meet and lives to live, but they are deeply affected by living with an unpredictable and volatile visitor whose needs are now greater than their own, exactly the opposite of what a parent/child relationship should be.

Intellectually, family members know their injured loved one is not to blame, but their hearts are sore, nonetheless. Some live in fear or “walk on eggshells” because of excessive angry outbursts and even violence.

Transition to civilian life is as hard on families as it is on the serving member. Families have integrated into the military culture which is an exclusive club. There have been so many moves over the course of the serving member’s tenure that families haven’t had time to get to know a new community before they were on the move again. The kids may have attended many schools.

In these days of Facebook and other social media, there are many ways to stay in touch with their support systems once CAF members have transitioned out, but their new reality is not the same as the supports they have left behind. It can be hard not to feel lonely.

There are many resources for support (as you will see below). A commonality among the many words of advice are, “take care of yourself’ which appears to be the most ignored. Families are used to managing on their own and taking care of business (including everyone else’s well-being) by themselves.

But the advice stands: Take care of yourself so you don’t break down too. If you need support, reach out. If your mental health is suffering, seek treatment. You don’t have to do it alone.

Informal Supports

Resources