As a young girl my parents always encouraged me to be involved in the community. They wanted me to play sports, participate in after school clubs, and interact with other children. I had trouble finding the motivation to go do these activities. When I did I never really felt like I fit in with others. I would always prefer playing alone in my backyard on my swing set. I had a wicked imagination as a kid. Some kids go through a phase where they have an imaginary friend or two. I didn’t have just one imaginary friend, I had a whole boarding school of them. I would pretend that I was the most popular girl in school. I was the lead singer in a band, I was the prettiest of all the girls, and all the boys wanted to be my boyfriend. In reality, I had really low self-esteem and didn’t feel like other kids liked me. I was always scared to be myself. I couldn’t sing, I was slightly overweight, I hated my appearance, and I was way too young to date boys. I always preferred playing in this imaginary world because in this world, I liked who I was. I was outgoing and fun. This was the beginning of years of isolation and depression for me.
As a teenager I found out that drugs and alcohol were the perfect solution to the way that I felt. After stealing a few drinks from my parents liquor cabinet and smoking some weed, I felt comfortable in my own skin. I felt happy with a new outlook on myself and on life. I could interact with others and not worry about what they thought of me. Drugs quickly became an important part of my day-to-day routine.
In the following years of adolescence and young adulthood, I became an opiate addict. Pot and alcohol had stopped working, but opiates did. Then I could no longer get prescriptions for opiates, so I sought out heroin. Eventually, that stopped working too. No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop getting high. I sunk in to a really dark place emotionally. I overdosed several times, and each time I was mad that I woke up. The last time I got high, I loaded up my needle and was sure that it was enough to kill me. When I woke up, I knew that I needed help. I either had to die or find a way to stop feeling the way I was so tired of feeling.
It wasn’t until I went to rehab at a dual diagnosis treatment facility that I was diagnosed with depression. At first, I didn’t really think I was depressed, I thought I just had a drug problem. In treatment, I was prescribed antidepressants. I was willing to take anything to make me feel different from the way that I felt.
I had a wonderful therapist with whom I had individual therapy sessions twice a week. She helped me talk through various times in my life, starting with my childhood. She pointed out all the early symptoms of depression that I had shown from a young age. Isolation, lethargy, lack of interest, and anxiety. She explained to me how it can be hard to identify mental health disorders when somebody has a substance use disorder because many of these symptoms are overlapping. I came to realize that I suffered from depression long before I was addicted to drugs and alcohol.
Today, I have a year and a half sober and I am properly medicated to treat my depression. Not every day is great, but on the majority of days I have the motivation and energy to get up in the morning and start my day. I incorporated a lot of things I learned in treatment into my daily routine that keeps me healthy and balanced. Some of these include prayer, meditation, yoga, and being a part of a support group for people who struggle with addiction. I now look forward to going out with friends as well as introducing myself to new people. I have friends who hold me accountable today and don’t let me isolate. I feel as though I have a purpose to help others recovery from drug addiction and co-occurring disorders. I have a life worth living today, which is more than I could’ve ever asked for.
Cassidy Webb is a 24-year-old avid writer from South Florida. She works for a digital marketing company that advocates spreading awareness on the disease of addiction. Her passion in life is to help others by sharing her experience, strength, and hope.
